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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to have a single conversation about our child sometimes?

49 replies

TLk2me · 23/07/2023 06:53

My husband and I share a child together and I also have a step child, my husbands older child. The children are 3 and 11 so quite a large gap.

It's really starting to bug me that I never seem to be able to have a conversation with DH about our child without him swinging the conversation back to his 11 year old somehow.

For example showing him pictures of 3 year old doing X Y of Z just becomes aw I remember when DS11 did x y and z, he was really good at it, he learnt it really quickly, I've probably got a picture here somewhere hold on I'll find it and show you, oh look here it is etc etc.

Or 'Dh what shall we get 3 year old for Christmas' becomes a quick 2 min conversation before he starts going on and on about what he's going to get his DS11.

It's annoying. Sometimes I just want to talk about our child, sometimes I just want to share our child's achievements or cute moments without making it all about DS11. Sometimes I just want to look at a few pictures of our kid without also then having having scroll through reems of pics of DSS too.

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 23/07/2023 06:57

I totally see how that would be annoying.

But from your husband's POV, since he's split from the mother of his older child, do you think he just misses having someone to talk about his 11 year old with, and having someone to reminisce with?

Jigslaw · 23/07/2023 06:59

BubziOwl · 23/07/2023 06:57

I totally see how that would be annoying.

But from your husband's POV, since he's split from the mother of his older child, do you think he just misses having someone to talk about his 11 year old with, and having someone to reminisce with?

I agree with this. His child is also the one who he went through all of the milestones and exciting events with first, he probably does get nostalgic now his second child is doing these same things. I can also see how it's annoying, but it's good he is interested in all of his children, many dad's aren't once they move on and start a new family.

itsgettingweird · 23/07/2023 07:03

You have 1 child.

He has 2.

Parents with more than 1 biological child won't be different to your DH 🤷‍♀️

Namechangenoo · 23/07/2023 08:53

I can see why it's annoying to compare the milestones, if your child does something new and then he talks about how well/how quickly his older child did the same thing, but he's probably constantly reminded of his older child at a younger age.

With the conversation about Christmas presents, if you have two children then I think it's perfectly natural to talk about what you are going to buy for one child, then move on to the other one.

Overall I think YABU but you could mention it to him if you think he's comparing both children to one another too much.

JMSA · 23/07/2023 09:07

YABU, sorry.

10HailMarys · 23/07/2023 09:26

YABU. His older child is just as important to him as his younger one, and they are brothers. It is completely normal for a parent to think of their two children together as a unit, and to reminisce about their similarities and differences.

You have one child who means the world to you. He has two children who mean the world to him. If you have another child after DS, will you just stop talking about your older DS in favour of the younger child?

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 09:41

People will tell you YABU but as a fellow step parent - YANBU. This would annoy me and I would have no problem telling him so. He is with someone that is not his child's other parent and needs to realise things will be different as a result, you will not want to switch to talking about that child instead every time you talk about your own. This is his reality and he needs to accept it. That's not to say he can never talk about them, but not every time and he needs to recognise that it is not the same for you emotionally. If he wants to reminisce about the child he had before he met you, his family members would probably appreciate it more.

Don't bottle these feelings up. Spending your life tiptoeing around a parent who can't accept the obvious is no way to live.

itsmylife7 · 23/07/2023 09:46

That's the reality of having a partner who's already a Father to his first child.
Hopefully shows he's a good Father.

Totaly · 23/07/2023 09:46

You need to be a bit more ruthless
oh sorry though we were talking about Bob? Sorry I haven’t finished speaking - or that’s great but can we’re get back to Bob now?

Ask him why he’s so rude to you all the time?

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 09:46

People on here seem to be under the impression that it's only the step parent that needs to respect their partners feelings and situation on here, but that is not the case. So yes, he has two children and will think of both of them when he thinks of one. She has one so will not. They both need to respect those realities - which includes him.

CatsSnore · 23/07/2023 09:51

YANBU OP. I agree with what Sofa said.

MrsFarmerTom · 23/07/2023 09:53

It doesn't sound like you really consider your stepson part of your family, which is sad.
I have two children, like your DH, and it's totally normal and natural for the actions and milestones (and facial expressions, and sleeping positions, and mispronunciations, and, and, and...) of DC2 to remind you of those of DC1.
Part of marrying someone who already has a child is that - if they are a decent parent - they will have all same tendencies of decent parents everywhere, which includes the above.
I'm wondering if it really is every time you mention your child, or if it just feels like that. Have you tried talking to your husband about it (in a non-accusatory way, because he's not actually doing anything objectively wrong, it's just something that you personally don't like)

Totaly · 23/07/2023 09:56

See I disagree here.

I will speak to DH and want to tell the full story and he interjects with something totally unrelated and I can’t finish what I’m saying.

I have to say, I’ve not finished and you’re not listening. It’s annoying.

It’s the being talked over that’s the issue not the step son information.

FloweryName · 23/07/2023 09:59

I can see why it would feel irritating but that is entirely yours to manage in this situation.

It’s almost impossible as a parent not to think about your other child when you’re talking about one of them. Mine are adults now and every time anyone tells me about something their own children have done I can’t help but think about when mine did it too. It’s normal. When friends and colleagues talk about their kids I have to remember not to bother telling them about when mine did it over a decade ago because it’s not going to interest them and it’s not current, but your DH shouldn’t have to bury that kind of chat with the person he parents with.

Original poster
TLk2me · 23/07/2023 09:59

It’s the being talked over that’s the issue not the step son information

This yes. Its more that I don't feel finished talking about our child. Like he barely even talks about our child before he's going on about SS.

I get it's normal to discuss both but my point is he will discuss ours for about a nanosecond in comparison before he's off talking about SS.

OP posts:
Original poster
TLk2me · 23/07/2023 10:01

I feel like just getting up and walking away every time it happens because its like oh great okay guess we're talking about DS11 again now then when I was trying to have a conversation about our child.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 23/07/2023 10:02

Have you ever spelt it out to him? Alternatively, whenever he starts talking about his parents switch the conversation to yours.

FloweryName · 23/07/2023 10:02

Don't bottle these feelings up. Spending your life tiptoeing around a parent who can't accept the obvious is no way to live.

It sounds like that’s exactly what you want the OP’s DH to do.

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 10:03

FloweryName · 23/07/2023 09:59

I can see why it would feel irritating but that is entirely yours to manage in this situation.

It’s almost impossible as a parent not to think about your other child when you’re talking about one of them. Mine are adults now and every time anyone tells me about something their own children have done I can’t help but think about when mine did it too. It’s normal. When friends and colleagues talk about their kids I have to remember not to bother telling them about when mine did it over a decade ago because it’s not going to interest them and it’s not current, but your DH shouldn’t have to bury that kind of chat with the person he parents with.

Why does he not need to think about how often he's doing this? If you can remember not to do this with other people, you can remember not to do it with your partner who is not your child's other parent so is not going to be as interested as you. It's basic social skills, parents are not absolved of that, they don't need to be constantly pandered to.

He's not parenting that child with OP, he's doing it with his ex. This is a result of his life choices, he entered this situation knowingly. OP does not have to pretend to be the child's mother to spare his feelings.

Original poster
TLk2me · 23/07/2023 10:04

And he gets on fine with his ex so he could speak to her if he wants. Appreciate its not the same as living with the other parent though and as easily being able to reminisce.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 23/07/2023 10:05

You're going to have to tell him if you want things to change.

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 10:06

FloweryName · 23/07/2023 10:02

Don't bottle these feelings up. Spending your life tiptoeing around a parent who can't accept the obvious is no way to live.

It sounds like that’s exactly what you want the OP’s DH to do.

Hardly, he's not bottling feelings up by not over sharing about his kids whenever he feels like it. He can still have his feelings and share them an appropriate amount and with an interested audience.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/07/2023 10:08

on the plus side, if you split up you can be reasonably sure that he'll still care about your joint child.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/07/2023 10:15

If you have a second child it will make more sense - first children get all the milestone fuss and subsequent children are compared to that. By the third child even the mothers hardly notice when or how a child does new things.

In your case your DH already went through that, so you are not getting to do the infatuated new parent obsessing stage together, which is a shame. But it's nothing personal to your child, it's just context.

Jigslaw · 23/07/2023 10:17

Have you spoken to him about it? I don't mean just got shitty or whatever but said how it makes you feel?