To just want to have a single conversation about our child sometimes?

[TLk2me]

My husband and I share a child together and I also have a step child, my husbands older child. The children are 3 and 11 so quite a large gap.

It's really starting to bug me that I never seem to be able to have a conversation with DH about our child without him swinging the conversation back to his 11 year old somehow.

For example showing him pictures of 3 year old doing X Y of Z just becomes aw I remember when DS11 did x y and z, he was really good at it, he learnt it really quickly, I've probably got a picture here somewhere hold on I'll find it and show you, oh look here it is etc etc.

Or 'Dh what shall we get 3 year old for Christmas' becomes a quick 2 min conversation before he starts going on and on about what he's going to get his DS11.

It's annoying. Sometimes I just want to talk about our child, sometimes I just want to share our child's achievements or cute moments without making it all about DS11. Sometimes I just want to look at a few pictures of our kid without also then having having scroll through reems of pics of DSS too.

I disagree. I have 2 children. I'm quite capable of talking about or focusing on one.

It isn’t normal, even when you have two biological children together, to always change the subject to talk about one and not the other.

The next time he does it I would say: “It feels like every time I try and talk to you about DS you change the subject away from him.”

That way it’s “I want to talk about our son together a bit more” rather than “you talk about DSS too much”.

I agree with you, but I think that one of the saddest things about divorce is that you don't have someone to talk to about those very small moments that the two parents shared. He is trying to share those moments with you now and I can see why it's hard for you but if he's a really decent man then I think I would just put up with it.

I think this hangs on whether he is discussing his child as well as yours, or instead of yours.

From what you've said your resentment is because it's the latter. Your frustration is not because you don't want to talk about his own child,but because you just aren't getting opportunity to talk solely about your own. Am I correct?

He’s probably seeing the conversation as being about his children - both of them.

It’s really rare that I have a chat about a specific child with a friend who has more than one. I talk about my son, as he’s my only child, but when people have more than one; they refer to all of them interchangeably. If I was saying my DS has just started doing X; they’d say child A did X, and B did Y and here’s a photo of D… Same for if I was talking about what we were getting DS for Christmas, they’d interpret that as a chat about what we were getting the children; so they’d talk about them all.

It’s not realistic to have a chat about a specific child with them, unless they’re concerned or unhappy about something. They are conversations about children; and he has two…

Is there a wider issue about DSS? DH sounds like he’s being a good father…

YANBU....I think this riles so much because it s about your child however is it part of a bigger problem? Is it just this one topic, or does he have a habit of making it all about him? I think essentially it's that he's not listening to what you're saying and being in the moment with that specific topic which you brought up because it was important to you. He's making associations with other areas of his life that he believes are interesting and sharing them with you. As you were presumably not around when SS was young he's filling you in with all the exciting details. Watch and see if he does this in other areas, eg if you mention an incident at work does he automatically telk you a story about his work? Perhaps this is the one topic that makes you prickle most as its so personal. If he does it in other areas it might be an ADHD trait. He needs reminding of this. Don't make it just about the children though, make it more about him steering or even dominating conversations and his lack of empathy. You might need to be more obvious. When he digressed just shut down and walk off. If he asks what's wrong just say you can see he has other things on his mind and you'll talk about your topic another time when he's able to concentrate/listen/pay attention.
I don't think this is something you just have to accept. It's not a competition and people who have more than one child are able to talk about just one at time. Have the general convo then do your first disengagement on a neutral topic. If you have an otherwise good relationship it should be OK to say after a while 'you're doing it again!'. Hopefully he will apologise and say 'Sorry hon, you were saying.....'

It’s not realistic to have a chat about a specific child with them, unless they’re concerned or unhappy about something. They are conversations about children; and he has two…

It's perfectly normal to discuss just one child when talking about something they've mastered or achieved in the present. If one of your kids got star of the week at school, would you say "oh DC1 used to get that too"? Yes, if you're talking about what presents you're getting for Christmas you'll likely discuss both, but not everything is like that, and in fact it would be pretty shitty for the child if their achievements are constantly discussed purely to mention that their older sibling also achieved that.

It's very self absorbed of him to view conversations initiated by someone else as "about his kids". I would never do that with a friend, for example, if they told me a story about their child, I might say "I remember DD1 doing that", but I wouldn't then hijack the conversation and start showing her pictures of my DD doing it, especially when she hadn't even finished her story. I would throw the conversational ball back to her, because she was the one that started the conversation and she wasn't talking about my child. These are basic social skills.

What it all boils down to is people thinking if your partner is a parent, they are not responsible for remembering who they had their child with and can just pretend it was you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, does he do this in other conversations too- not let you finish and effectively talk about himself? I think it's of course fine and good he talks about his first child also, but that doesn't mean it needs to be everytime you mention yours. Have you told him how you feel? It can be said sensitively and it's not like you'd say he can't ever talk about them! I do agree with others though that often the first child is more exciting in terms of milestones in some ways and he's already been through that rather than going through the first ones together.

I do agree with others though that often the first child is more exciting in terms of milestones in some ways and he's already been through that rather than going through the first ones together.

Just to address this as a last point as I don't wish to hijack - this is all the more reason for him to be mindful of OPs feelings and not rub it in her face. If he's genuinely not as excited about the child they share because he's done it before, then he should be aware this is likely to sting his wife who in an ideal world would no doubt prefer it if their spouse was as excited as they were about their child, and who is already having to sacrifice that usually normal feeling because he has another child. He should be going out of his way to NOT make it plain that his feelings are along the lines of "been there done that", not demonstrating it at every opportunity.

Yes I agree, it sounds like he isn't thinking about that currently.

Yanbu, I’ve had years of this. DC comes home and is Mary in the Nativity, cue instant stories of how SDC was Mary, and how adorable was she.

DC’s moment was gone instantly.

SDC are older now and have their own lives, it does get better. Just say, oh yeah that’s nice, and get up and do something else. I’m more than happy to talk about SDC but it’s like a guilt thing I think, they have to cram any conversation back for their own peace of mind.

This is perceptive.

When you hook up with someone who's already had a child, it's common sense they'll want to talk about them. People who will be bothered by that might want to date only childfree.

When you hook up with someone who's already had a child, it's common sense they'll want to talk about them. People who will be bothered by that might want to date only childfree.

Equally, when you get with someone who is not your child's parents, it's common sense that they will not want to talk about them as often as you will and instead of their own child. People who will be bothered by that might want to stay single or with their child's other parent.

Why is the onus purely on the non parent to be mindful of who they are dating? Why is there not a balance to be struck?

@aSofaNearYou precisely.

Whilst I do think there are some parents who can’t talk about their later children without bringing it back to their first, I think this is poor parenting. I have a friend who does this and you can already see it’s going to cause issues for the two children in the long term (currently 5 and 3). EVERYTHING is about how amazing the older one is. It’s really sad.

If you both had children from previous partners it would be same, I like to call it conversation

I like to call it conversation

Thats where two people discuss one topic? That’s not happening here.

I find a lot of these answers very strange! I have two kids, DH and I are not just capable of talking about one of them at a time, it’s important that we do! They’re separate people not just child a/b! Yes, a lot of the time when we’re done discussing one we will then talk about the other, but we finish the first discussion first.

Part and parcel of entering into a relationship and having a kid with someone who already has one.
I'm sure it must be annoying; it's why it's a 'no' for some.

Sounds normal to me, I have 2 children and when discussing something with my DH it will refer back to the eldest because it turns into a reminiscing moment. Are you jealous?

It sounds completely normal OP and if you had more than one biological child, you would probably do the same thing too without even realising it.

YANBU. Unless you do the same when he has started a discussion about DSC, do you bring it round to your DC or are you happy to keep it about DSC?

I'd just stop the conversation everytime and walk away if he kept doing it.

I'd start a conversation about your shared DC then the moment he moves it to DSC I'd jump up and move. After a while he'll notice and ask you about it. Then I'd tell him you are sick of every single conversation being turned into one about DSC and if he wishes to reminisce about when DSC was small he should do so with DSC's Mum.

But that's not what this is about. This is about someone initiating a topic around a certain subject/person and someone listening to one sentence and hijacking the conversation.
I'm sure OP has no problem hearing him talk about his child, just not when she's talk8ng about someone else!