Nose on the wall

[tattooedteagal]

DH made DS face the wall earlier then put his nose on the wall just like he was made to as a kid.

I'm not happy but apparently his parents did it and he's "fine". I think it's outdated, humiliating, and cruel!

Yes, DS is very challenging. Exceptionally smart (gifted) with ASD and suspected ADHD. There's been a lot of change lately and his behaviour is off the wall. He doesn't stay still (at home), he hits me, he barely sleeps, and has regular meltdowns. BUT I think DH has lost all perspective!

You need to sit down with your dh and discuss what approach to discipline and boundaries you're going to use with your children so you're being consistent. I personally find his approach belittling, isolating and emotionally harmful and would never ever do it to my child. There's many many other strategies he can use but he's obviously defaulted to what he is familiar with (which a lot of people do when they don't have enough resources to know to do differently). It's up to you both to do that research so I'd suggest setting time aside and doing it together because he'll be more likely to get on board then. Or if he's in school as to speak to the teacher and see what approach is working well there so it can be continued at home.

How is it abusive? It's not a method I'm familiar with but it's just time out?

He doesn't stay still (at home), he hits me

So what punishments DO work then when he hits you?

Do you think treating an autistic child like this is adequate parenting? Do you have any understanding of autism? Time outs are not effective to start with.

I was thinking the same thing?

Sounds like my mate's exh. Their ds used to wet himself with fear. This is where your ds is heading imo. Report him to ss and get rid of him. Or you are enabling the abuse of your ds.

My 2 year old has suspected ASD. If she throws something towards her younger brother (15m) then she gets asked not to do it again. If she tries to throw something at him again, she goes in her cot for a 2 minute time out.

When this happens she comes from her cot and doesn’t do it again so it clearly works. I personally think time outs are effective it just depends on the child. Asking a child to put their nose to the wall for a time out is a bit extreme but something has to be done so the child knows that hitting isn’t okay

What would you suggest?

Removing the child from the situation is effective, obviously for everyone’s safety. At 2 this is easier, but emotional and social delays are a key factor with autism/adhd. Removing a child from
the situation and helping through a meltdown or just disregulation (as throwing toys would be) is not the same as actively punishing and humiliating like standing nose to wall is. It’s the start of a slippery slope in punishing actions that ND children will always have difficulties in managing, especially in the early years.

I personally use a simple rule - would you do to an adult what you’re doing to the child? Obviously there’s nuance before anyone comes at me with ‘that’s ridiculous my husband wouldn’t fit in a cot’. I mean in recognising that a person is angry or have acted badly. An adult also needs to have ‘time out’ sometimes, they may be feeling argumentative or frustrated. But you’d never have an adult stood to the wall so why would you a child? Children don’t learn how to regulate emotions through punishment. It’s proven over and over again to lead to issues as an adult.

I wouldnt time the separation time or make it an active ‘time out’. My advice is to give you child as much or as little time as they need to themselves/with you checking or staying with them until the situation is ready to move on.

Fair enough . But is it working ? Sounds as if maybe a different and more effective punishment is needed.

It's a Romany term meaning a foolish person.

Cunt is a well known term universally...

That is slang for vagina so the insult is being a woman

That’s abusive for any child in my opinion. Especially a child that needs to move due to ADHD

Your husband sounds cruel and abusive. What a hateful thing to do.

This OP.

It doesn't sound abusive to me - it's just time out.

Hope it works and he stops hitting you.

I voted YABU then read that he is 4. I imagined he was pre-teen or older, in which case hitting you would be serious. A four year old hitting is not particularly unusual behaviour, in my experience.

So now I think he’s absolutely being unreasonable. My ex was similar: had no real concept of ang appropriate behaviour or parenting.

I don't understand how facing the wall is humiliating.
It's removing them from the immediate area and giving them room to calm down

Can you not see that having your nose to the wall and being unable to move or see anything isn’t abusive?
I suggest you go and stand to the wall now, but your toes touching and your nose and see how much you can see, how uncomfortable you feel and how vulnerable you feel. This isn’t a time out helping a child learn to regulate.

Honestly, go and stand with your toes touching the wall and your nose touching the wall and see how it feels and if it’ll help you calm down. You have to try it to explain.

Your ds is autistic and ADHD. He is not being naughty, he is not 'not behaving'. All behaviour is communication, he is behaving this way because his needs are not being met (no judgement - I have two autistic kids who both have meltdowns - we cannot meet their needs always and sometimes they just won't cope regardless).

I urge both you and your DH to look up Newbold Hope which is an organisation set up to help families with SEND related violence. Yvonne Newbold has done a TED talk (which you can watch for free), and does lots of seminars (which you have to pay a small amount to watch but they are well well worth it). It will change your perspective and help you to understand your ds behaviours and help him to make family life better for all of you. Really - he is a little boy who needs help, and standing with his nose to the wall will not help, it will make things worse.

He never used to hit me but there's been a LOT of change recently. We're in the middle of moving house with our stuff in boxes. He's had to adapt to a new sibling. His favourite teacher is leaving. It's been bloody tough!

I either completely ignore him when he hits me or I say 'NO' in a firm voice. Neither works, to be honest. Time out didn't work either as he just sat there throwing toys across the room and kicking the wall.

Like one pp said, I feel these methods (nose against the wall) are a slippery slope. DH' dad used to whack him with a slipper and was physically abusive so their parenting isn't exactly a benchmark!

What happens before he hits? Is the hitting because he's just angry or during a meltdown? How does he behave after? Does he apologise? Does he have a safe space at the moment where he can go calm down?

Facing the wall, fine.

Putting your nose on the wall hurts, and is a form of corporal punishment

Tbf, I have a biased view on this because I do calm myself down by putting my forehead on the wall. So I should probably just accept that my view isn't relevant here.

What a b*stard.

Your child is dysregulated due to change and this is how his father treats him. I wouldn't be happy at all op.

One of mine likely has autism and we just focus on breathing when things get too much. He's so young, he doesn't need heavy handed punishment.