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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to go and back to living on my own or am I neuro diverse?

45 replies

Dall · 22/07/2023 12:01

I moved in with DP 2 years ago. Still love him but I find the living situation overwhelming. My DS spends approx 1/3 of time with his DF so I had a fair amount of time on my own. I enjoyed that. I like to potter. not hear others, not smell their cooking smells and not have to make conversation. It has been totally compounded by his 18 year old DS moving in full time. No conversation with me to discuss, it just happened. Not going to Uni. No idea how long for. I feel like I don't have my own home. Can't relax as I never know who is coming and going. When I will be able to get in the shower before work for example. On one hand I feel like a complete cow and a bit of a failure for not relishing my life. But I feel like time to my or ourselves is a non negotiable I just didn't realise how important.

Spoken to DP many many times and he sometimes seems to get how I feel but has done very little to find a solution to my need space. It's hard, in no way do I want for anyone else to feel they don't have a home either. I just didn't sign up to live like this and can't move on from it. He gives the impression I am being unreasonable. Friends all think I should just get out as the situation is energetically, emotionally and financially not working but they are my friends and I don't know would say to me just buck and be an adult. Thoughts?

YABU - this is normally life you need to find a way to live with it.
YANBU - home sometime needs to feel like a sanctuary from the world

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/07/2023 12:10

It has been totally compounded by his 18 year old DS moving in full time. No conversation with me to discuss, it just happened. Not going to Uni. No idea how long for.

How did this ‘just happen’ without a discussion?

Honestly, if your friends (who have met your DP) think you should get out of the relationship/go back to living alone, then you should listen to them. Why would they tell you to do something really disruptive - leaving your partner/telling him & his son to move out - if they thought you were just being precious? No one advises their friends to turn their life upside down if don’t truly think that their friend would be better off in the long run.

worksucks2023 · 22/07/2023 12:10

Why didn't he discuss the son moving in full time? That would be a deal breaker for me. You wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him to get his own place with his son.

Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 12:18

Because he used to be there a couple of nights a week the rest with his mum. She moved and he decided it was better living with us I guess. I have mentioned it pretty early on but there had been many it will be alright as uni… he might move back to his mums… he wants to move out. Now it is what it is and I need to make the best of it.

The energy involved in selling and moving out is escaping me right now. We would need to sell to move on.

OP posts:
exexpat · 22/07/2023 12:30

I think your friends are right. I feel the same about time alone in my own space; ex DP just did not get it, which is one of the reasons he is an ex. Current DP and I have our own homes, and happily spend a week or so together at a time but have no intention of moving in together. If you can afford it, 'living apart together' is a perfect way of life for people like us.

whatevss · 22/07/2023 12:32

Yanbu, regardless of whether you're autistic or not.

YOU feel shit in the environment you're in. It's irrelevant how others might feel about living similarly. Since you can change things without any detriment to the only person you're responsible for - your child - it seems obvious that you should.

Move out and get some peace and quiet.

Fraaahnces · 22/07/2023 12:38

Get some realtors in for some appraisals, put the place on the market and THEN tell him. Just like son moving in.
He’s not your partner.

CovertImage · 22/07/2023 12:44

Does "neurodiverse" just not mean anything at all any more?

MadamWhiteleigh · 22/07/2023 12:46

Is it just the DS18 or do you think you
would feel the same if it was just your DP? How old is your DS?

Dishwashersaurous · 22/07/2023 12:47

Sit down and have a family conference about living arrangements.

Explain what you need.

That you need to be able to get in the shower I'm the morning.

That you need yo know who is in the house.

That one evening a week you need everyone out the house so that you can have quiet time.

Be really clear about your needs.

If after two months no one is listening to your needs and respecting them. Then you move out

Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 12:48

I thought it could include but not limited to not being able to tolerate stimuli that is considered ‘normal’. Sorry if I offended that is really really not my intention.

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 22/07/2023 12:49

Your friends are right, move out. I know it’s a lot of hassle but it sounds like you will never be happy living with this man.

Living together isn’t for everyone.

Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 12:51

MadamWhiteleigh · 22/07/2023 12:46

Is it just the DS18 or do you think you
would feel the same if it was just your DP? How old is your DS?

DS is 14 DP has another DS7 who is here at other times so I knew would be different and busy but I think it is two other adults that I can’t cope with. One of which I don’t really feel like I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 12:53

@Dishwashersaurous thank you. Sound advice.

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 12:58

You can’t tell people who live with you they must leave the house one night a week.

and people suggesting that wouldn’t tolerate that request from their partners.

This isn’t working for you. And someone who doesn’t discuss their child moving in full time isn’t someone who has your best interests at heart.

I move out.

Kitkatfiend31 · 22/07/2023 13:04

I think the 18yr old is your problem really. You have a son so it's not like you didn't expect to live with just your dp. Your dp is right to support his son but should have talked about logistics better. The poster saying you can tell everyone to be out if their home one evening for your convenience is nuts. Are you going to go out one evening for your dp then another evening for his son to also have time alone? You clearly need to move out as it's not working for you but it is not their fault. I assume their isn't a spare room you could make your chill out room? As a compromise.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/07/2023 13:09

Obviously wouldn't normally ask people to go out once a week

However, she wasn't expecting to live with an 18 year old.

So suggesting a compromise that could work for everyone

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/07/2023 13:10

Sounds more like you’re an introvert, or at least partly one. That’s totally normal - you need space by yourself to recharge. It’s a perfectly ok way to be, and no one should be telling you that you’re unreasonable.

I don’t think bringing up neurodiversity is helpful- not that being ND isn’t “normal” or OK. It’s just a specific medical diagnosis and doesn’t mean just liking time alone.

I would recommend selling and going back to the way things were. Not thinking of it as any kind of failure - it’s just discovering who you are and what you enjoy.

Floofydawg · 22/07/2023 13:10

Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 12:58

You can’t tell people who live with you they must leave the house one night a week.

and people suggesting that wouldn’t tolerate that request from their partners.

This isn’t working for you. And someone who doesn’t discuss their child moving in full time isn’t someone who has your best interests at heart.

I move out.

There's nothing wrong with asking for some space. My DH regularly takes his son out so that they get some time together, but also so that I can have the house to myself.

Does the 18yo work OP?

Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 13:12

@Kitkatfiend31 we have a spare room used as office/laundry/work out space. I seem to have an issue with the comings and goings out the door. Clearly heard all over the house as with cooking. but that is normally people come and go. I am not sure if I need more control over my environment than is normal.

OP posts:
ClematisWren · 22/07/2023 13:13

This alone doesn't mean you're ND, but likely introverted.
I'm very introverted, live with DH and DS13. I can go out and interact normally with people, have a public-facing job, speak to large groups etc, meet friends etc, but I need a lot of downtime to recharge afterwards. I do hybrid working so (during term time) have at least a two days per week where I'm on my own in the house.

School holidays just about finish me off, having DS at home all the time. It's not like he's in my space constantly, but just knowing there's another person in the house is mildly stressful, even when it's my own DS! DS is the same - he loves the days when DH and I are both out at work and it's just him and the dog. DH is more extroverted and gets a bit grumpy if he's left on his own for more than a few hours, but he recognises my need for space and will help me to achieve it.

If your DP is more extroverted he may simply not be able to see the issue, but lots of people wouldn't cope with having someone else's child/teen/young adult around 24/7. You DP has changed the game - understandably given that no-one wants their kids to feel unwelcome - but you are not compatible to live together in the current situation.

Is there some way you can engineer things so that you have at least a day a week home on your own? If not, and there's not end-point to this, I would suggest going back to living separately.

Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 13:15

@Floofydawg he works from the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dall · 22/07/2023 13:16

@ClematisWren thank you. Mildly stressful having others in the house. That is it. I feel abnormal for feeling this way as I have never felt it before. It’s exhausting me.

OP posts:
ClematisWren · 22/07/2023 13:28

You're not abnormal OP - read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain, I suspect you'll recognise yourself in there.

This is nothing to feel bad about, it sounds as though you've just reached the limits of what you're comfortable with. We all have different levels of comfort and it's helpful to recognise that. Some people hate being alone and would prefer any company to none. Some people can't stand to live with anyone at all. You've just ended up in a situation where there are too many people in the house for you to be comfortable, and you're not being given any space or acknowledgement of your needs.

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