AIBU to want to go and back to living on my own or am I neuro diverse?

[Dall]

I moved in with DP 2 years ago. Still love him but I find the living situation overwhelming. My DS spends approx 1/3 of time with his DF so I had a fair amount of time on my own. I enjoyed that. I like to potter. not hear others, not smell their cooking smells and not have to make conversation. It has been totally compounded by his 18 year old DS moving in full time. No conversation with me to discuss, it just happened. Not going to Uni. No idea how long for. I feel like I don't have my own home. Can't relax as I never know who is coming and going. When I will be able to get in the shower before work for example. On one hand I feel like a complete cow and a bit of a failure for not relishing my life. But I feel like time to my or ourselves is a non negotiable I just didn't realise how important.

Spoken to DP many many times and he sometimes seems to get how I feel but has done very little to find a solution to my need space. It's hard, in no way do I want for anyone else to feel they don't have a home either. I just didn't sign up to live like this and can't move on from it. He gives the impression I am being unreasonable. Friends all think I should just get out as the situation is energetically, emotionally and financially not working but they are my friends and I don't know would say to me just buck and be an adult. Thoughts?

YABU - this is normally life you need to find a way to live with it.
YANBU - home sometime needs to feel like a sanctuary from the world

https://susancain.net/book/quiet/

I don’t think there’s anything abnormal about how you feel either.

You’ve gone from a household of two, sometimes one, to a household of four, sometimes three. Quite a big change to get used to, especially when it seems to have been thrust upon you. It’s communal living and many, many people would hate it.

What to do? I guess you need to sit down with your DP and come up with some options.

@ClematisWren thank you so much. I feel like I can understand myself a little better just ready the article.

reading

Who's name/s is the house in?

I don't think you are unreasonable. This living arrangement was imposed on you with no discussion. It's not an environment you are comfortable or can feel at home in. I think it's totally understandable not to want to live this way.

It is the DPs house not OPs. Why should
be discuss his own son moving back home?

@Sugarplumfury both names although we are tenants in common not joint. 65% share to me due to how things had to be arranged. We split house bills 50/50. Financial history is an another issue! But I’m here now. I paid off his debts and credit cards so get our joint mortgage. Promise of no more credit cards. Since found out one kept and one new.

@drpet49 he lived here before I moved in yes but was massively in debt so we decided to try living together and sort out house. I am £350k into this house. Not sure if that makes any difference really. I own 65% legally.

@drpet49 I mean DP lived here. His DS had also lived here but not full time since he was 2/3.

I am not neurodivergent and not particularly introverted but I adore my own space. Since our DC grew up I am often in the house for long periods on my own and I love it. Not sure is want to be alone full time.

I think you’ll have to rethink your set up. Especially since your partner doesn’t respect your views and is a liar in debt.

Accepting money from you and then hiding his true financial state is horrific.
Added to moving his son in without discussion.
It's absolutely no wonder your friends are telling you to run.

The financial lies are enough of an excuse to go.

This. How regressive to think there must be some neurological condition involved when someone simply wants space and privacy, and that it's an unreasonable desire otherwise! Straight out of the seventeenth century.

This is why your friends are telling you to run.

Unfortunately adult children do sometimes move (back) in, and parents give them help to move out again if they are upsetting one/both.

Your DP is not in a financial place to do so and has restarted his old poor financial habits.

Oh and in future don't pay of the debts if any partner instead give them help them pay them off themselves.

I don't think your dp did anything wrong by allowing his ds to move in full time. I mean, nobody says no when their child asks to live with them do they? If you get into a relationship with someone with kids, you know that's a possibility.

However, I think YANBU to decide that this situation isn't working for you and want to separate. I wouldn't like it either and also enjoy my own space.

If your living situation makes you unhappy it's fine to change it.
Do you want to move out and rent?
Sell the house or be bought out?
Continue to date or split?

Figure out what you want and then discuss it with your partner.

I empathise. I'm really quite introverted (and most likely ND - 2 children dx with ASD and one on the waiting list, high AQ score).

Have you considered using noise-cancelling headphones? I've just bought the Bose QuietComfort 45 headphones for my girls and it's made a world of difference.

@decaffonlypls

we would have to sell as I couldn’t be bought out. Ideally I’d like to continue a relationship living apart I think but things are quite hard right now and all I can think about is getting some space.

@Lougle thank you I sleep with earplugs and also spend some time in the bedroom with headphones which help a lot but I guess not enough or I wouldn’t still feel like I need complete space.

Are they noise cancelling headphones? I was quite amazed at how much the ones I bought the girls block out all the background noise. I get very noise sensitive and become acutely aware of the dog's nails on the flooring, the doors opening and closing, chit chat, etc.