To feel sad/ guilty about my private school experience-wasted opportunity?

[malificent7]

I was sent to a top private sport school as my dad taught there and we got half off. I wasn't rich, pretty and I was the least sporty person so I obviously had a very hard time there and was completely ostracised. I was subject to somr very cruel bullying and my nan said my parents knew and grieved for me but wanted me to get good grades so I stayed.
I did ok ( 4 Bs at a level but not amazing) and got into uni but promptly suffered a nervous breakdown and spent most of my 20s a complete mess....eating disorders, bad men...you name it. Single motherhood etc. I am 45 now and finally have a career ( poor pay ..healthcare, a great dd and a lovely fiance.)

However, I feel guilty that I was given all these opportunities but messed up so badly. My dad gave me contacts...i even got work experience in a bank...but i rejected the monied, luxury lifestyle. I do love my job but i struggle financially and havn't made the best of my life despite being given the best opportunities that my parents sacrificed for.
My dd won't be going to private school. and she says I was privileged...I am but why didn't it work for me?

I guess education cannot improve average!

Elements in your story resonate with me. I was also sent to a private school which I hated and I was terribly bullied, but came out with good academic grades so my parents regards this a success (and I think back when you got your A Levels 4 Bs was also considered pretty good going). I've since underachieved and struggled with self confidence and self esteem issues, which I do attribute to not long standing issues caused by my schooling.

I don't feel guilty. Yes, I was given opportunities but they were ones that I didn't want and which came at a cost. My parents were blinded by the name of the school and didn't look at what was best for me as an individual.

My DC are also not going to private school.

You're not average. Don't be so hard on yourself. Not everyone who goes to private school goes onto be a glittering success - I certainly didn't.

I haven’t capitalised on my private school education. I don’t feel guilty about it. I wasn’t asked by my parents what education I wanted, nor what life I wanted in adulthood. It was their choice & I don’t owe them for it.

my kids also not in private!

You weren't given an opportunity to thrive, you were given the opportunity to be bullied. Private school is not better than state if it's a horrible experience. Don't feel bad OP, you've nothing to feel bad for.

Honestly, I don't think you messed up at all. I think you were let down by your parents who should have considered taking you out of that school. I think you did remarkably well considering what you had to deal with there.

Being bullied at school is horrendous and the toll that takes on both your mental and physical health can be very long lasting. Grades are not everything when it comes to success in life. Loads of people achieve based on their own inner belief that they're marvelous. Lack of confidence is probably the biggest barrier for most people to achieve. Your daughter is young and probably sees things as black and white which it simply isn't in this situation.

I wouldn't keep raking over your past and regretting things because there is no going back. Focus on your happiness today.

You don't owe your parents anything, they didn't respond to your needs that well. Could you be neurodivergent? Some people find a similar pattern esp with social problems, underachieving, eating disorders, relationship issues..? It's not your fault and I think amazing you have turned it around

It sounds like you survived a really difficult school (a school being private doesn't mean its a healthy place to be) and have a lovely life now.

But you didn’t have a great education? You went to a school that was not the right environment for you, where the school focused on something that wasn’t your particular skill or interest.

You might well have done better at a more normal school, with less focus on sport and where you’d have fitted in better socially.

Your parents made the choice they thought was best for you, but it sounds like they got it wrong.

So accept that they made the wrong choice, forgive them, but recognise that actually you didn’t have the right opportunities. Then focus on doing what’s right for yourself and your family in future.

I feel the same - and feel very guilty that I don't have a high flying career like the rest of my school friends.

But it is what it is.

My kids will be going to state as I can't afford private (the irony!)

I think you need to re-frame your thinking here, OP. Your parents failed you by keeping you in an institution where you were miserable and bullied because they (wrongly) bought into the illusion of prestige and exclusivity and thought this was more important than your happiness. Despite this, you have not only survived but you have built what sounds like a lovely life.

I agree. OP, you say you were given the "best opportunity"... but it actually sounds as though it was the worst opportunity to suit you. If your parents had a choice between schools (as opposed to making the most of a huge discount), I bet you'd have thrived in a different school and got the most out of it (and then subsequent opportunities).

I went to private school too and I have a degree....I've been a sahm for years and have never had a "good" job. Only crappy admin ones. I had a difficult upbringing despite being relatively privileged and I really didn't have the headspace to be ambitious. What an absolute waste of money

You didn't mess up. Your parents left you in a school where you were miserable and being horribly bullied. They might have thought they were doing the best thing for you, but what they did was actually awful. I'm sure you would make a different choice for your child given your experience.

Personally I think you should be kinder to yourself. You did really well considering the awful environment. You suffered an awful lot and went off the rails but you came through it and have so many positives now

I think you probably need to allow yourself to grieve your school years and the situation that, however well intentioned, your parents put you in. You spent years feeling miserable and isolated and it is only natural to feel that deeply.

You didn’t chuck anything away. Private school isn’t a guaranteed route to success. I don’t think anyone I know that went to private school has been particularly successful. I know plenty of self made millionaires who did even finish their GCSEs in mainstream.

I think you need to re-frame your thinking here, OP. Your parents failed you by keeping you in an institution where you were miserable and bullied because they (wrongly) bought into the illusion of prestige and exclusivity and thought this was more important than your happiness. Despite this, you have not only survived but you have built what sounds like a lovely life.

This with bells on.

Tbh I think your parents somewhat set you up to fail. In general I don't think it's a good idea for kids to attend the schools their parents work at, and certainly not where there isn't really a varied socio-economic mix and your child won't have access to many of the opportunities available to their peers. I know this is one of the perks top private schools use to attract teachers - heavily discounted school places - but in reality it's still a huge financial strain for teachers' families and often the children don't have a normal school experience because their peers at school have such a different lifestyle to theirs and they are therefore somewhat isolated and on the fringes.

And no child does well when they are isolated, humiliated and undermined. I think your parents made the wrong choices and that's on them. Assuming they made them in good faith because they believed them to be in your best interests, then this may be something you can come to terms with.

Thanks for your kind words. Tbf i know a few high achievers who went to the roughest comp near me. I used to teach and the kids in the referral unit were easier to teach than those in the prestigious catholic boarding school.

I think i carry a lot of anger and need counselling. I could do with those pennies now. I also got a bit of " we could afford a better house/ clothes/ hols if it wasn't for school fees.) Messed up.

My psychiatrist told me he gets a lot of ex alumini from said school.

You didn't choose that school, and you should be proud of yourself overcoming your problems. I also know plenty of private school people who haven't particularly excelled career wise, not sure it's worth the money

Bullying happens to everyone. It isn’t a feature of private school and it doesn’t and shouldn’t define you. Be kind to yourself, accept your past, and try to move on.

Let me give you my example:

I was sent to an underperforming state Secondary despite winning a full scholarship to a prestigious local private school (I took the entrance exam in secret because I really wanted to go) because my Dad couldn’t be bothered to drive me there. I had been bullied horribly during Primary and that turned violent at Secondary - I was beaten up most days, spent an hour everyday hiding in my maths teacher’s room after school — he used to call the police regularly but nothing improved.

On top of this parents were abusive. I was their scapegoat, beaten, family would leave me the washing up to for the whole day when I returned from school (from the age of 6). I was already cooking for my siblings from the age of 5 but that’s because gran looked after us and physically couldn’t do it but during Secondary the role expanded and I had to do everything.

At some point in Year 10 I made a conscious decision I was going to take care of my MH - I was coming closer and closer to a breakdown and realised I needed to take care of myself because if I didn’t nobody else was going to. I think that turned things around - in that it I realised I wasn’t helpless any moee.

I left secondary with very good GCSEs. Went onto A Levels and did stem subjects which I passed. I then went straight to work and realised even without a degree I could use my maths skills to work my way up to the profession I wanted. I didn’t really have friends - those whom I considered friends were quite abusive and so I cut them off, I became scared of marriage and commitment and seemed to attract absolute losers, and when I started earning enough money I paid for therapy and counselling.

It was so useful and truly turned my life around so much so that when DD seemed like she was heading down a similar path in terms of bullying — instead of letting history repeat itself I took the immediate action I wished my mum did. I got her out of that school, took legal action against the parents (for my satisfaction rather than because it worked), and basically just refused to accept it. I realised then that actually maybe my experiences had some benefit after all. Without them I might have been tempted to be more accepting of mt daughter’s treatment.

Hello
I am 45 and went to private school
Got 2Bs and C went on to RG university where I got a 2:2
Have done a string of shitty jobs since and never earned more than £35k
I loved my school but there are very few high fliers from my year
Two brilliant lawyers
1 GP
1 estate agent who owns her own company
That's it
I was sad when I realised my kids wouldn't have what I had and posted about it in here at the time
And someone quite rightly pointed out "can't have been that good if you now don't earn enough to send yours"
Which I guess ai agree with
Mine was a very general "independent" school for "nice" girls
No one was super clever we weren't pushed in anyway. It was just nice. We had a nice time but in no way did it prepare us for the real
World at all and that makes me quite angry sometimes

You were sent to a school that was a poor match for you. Spending money on private school fees can be a waste if the school isn't a good fit. That's down to your parents.

The purpose of sending a child to private school varies from parent to parent. My DD1 is at a private secondary school and even DH and I don't have the same rationale for her being there. I think it is because she will enjoy the academic challenge and being with similarly academic children. DH thinks it is for the extra curricular activities. Both of these reflect our feelings about our own education. But what we are both clear about with DD1 is that we are paying for her experience now, not for some future career benefit.

Have your parents given the impression that your later life success should pay back for the cost of your education or have you created that expectation yourself? If your parents have driven it then they shouldn't have - private education should be a gift without strings attached, just like any gift.

One girl in our year summed it up well. You don't fot in with your peers as you are not as rich and you don't fit in with your local peers as they assume you are rich, priveledged and snobby. It's a lonely place.

Fit*

Strings attached definately.