To feel sad/ guilty about my private school experience-wasted opportunity?

[malificent7]

I was sent to a top private sport school as my dad taught there and we got half off. I wasn't rich, pretty and I was the least sporty person so I obviously had a very hard time there and was completely ostracised. I was subject to somr very cruel bullying and my nan said my parents knew and grieved for me but wanted me to get good grades so I stayed.
I did ok ( 4 Bs at a level but not amazing) and got into uni but promptly suffered a nervous breakdown and spent most of my 20s a complete mess....eating disorders, bad men...you name it. Single motherhood etc. I am 45 now and finally have a career ( poor pay ..healthcare, a great dd and a lovely fiance.)

However, I feel guilty that I was given all these opportunities but messed up so badly. My dad gave me contacts...i even got work experience in a bank...but i rejected the monied, luxury lifestyle. I do love my job but i struggle financially and havn't made the best of my life despite being given the best opportunities that my parents sacrificed for.
My dd won't be going to private school. and she says I was privileged...I am but why didn't it work for me?

I guess education cannot improve average!

Tbh it sounds a miserable experience and one to put behind you. The life you have sounds blessed and I wish you well.

For what it is worth I work in an industry where private school, Oxbridge grads abound and honestly they are not anything to write home about. Lots of neuroses, rely more on connections than ability, and often have very poor crisis management skills. I earn more than most with a very rough comp education.

Success is measured in lots of different ways. And sounds to me you have made the most of the opportunities you have had... a wonderful family and (hopefully) rewarding career in (not one) but two professions which add real value to society. Personally, I think you are acing it.

I think this is what happens when parents choose prestige or achievement over what actually suits their kid. It obviously wasn't the right school for you and nobody addressed the horrible bullying to suffered. I honestly think you should try to give yourself a break and focus on what you have achieved despite what sounds like a really difficult experience in your teens.

It’s understandable that you feel this way. You were raised in an environment where someone’s worth was directly linked to their achievements.
You need to detach these things. You are worthy just for being you. Regardless of any academic/ sporting/ career achievement.
It’s hard work, good luck and give yourself time and love.

I got a 1st in my recent degree but my dad reckons the exams were too easy! What a piece of work!

I think the way you are feeling is one of the downsides of the 'check your privilege' exhortations that are the current thing. Not because we shouldn't recognise how we are lucky or that others have some disadvantages, but because it sets up this narrative that if you have X and Y then you will succeed and not have any struggles.

But everyone does have these struggles!
I did ok ( 4 Bs at a level but not amazing) and got into uni but promptly suffered a nervous breakdown and spent most of my 20s a complete mess....eating disorders, bad men...you name it. Single motherhood etc. I am 45 now and finally have a career ( poor pay ..healthcare, a great dd and a lovely fiance.)

You know what? Some stuff went wrong, you lived through some difficult stuff, you've workers through them, sounds like you are coming out the other side so well done you! You are living a perfectly normal human life and have nothing to feel guilty about.

At the age of 8, I went home one Friday afternoon from my lovely village primary school and was informed by my parents that, as of the Monday, I'd be going to a private school mile's away.

I never got a chance to say goodbye to the school I loved. My local friends thought I was snobby and privileged and stopped being friends with me. The girls at my new school hated me from the moment I arrived (it was part way through the term and I was an outsider), and this didn't change over the next 10 years (I was stuck there for 3 years of primary, 5 years secondary and 2 years of 6th Form).

Even thseveral l of the teachers disliked me because I wasn't academic, arty, sporty etc. I was quiet, well behaved etc but school just was not the place for me.
I was bullied for 10 years. I used to fantasise that our car would crash on the way to school and that I'd have to spend months in hospital. To me that sounded better than being at school!

I went to university because it was expected of me (by my parents), not because I wanted to.
I've had well paid jobs, but never a career. I'm now a SAHP and my parents will comment about how my education has been wasted. They seem to forgotten that I had no say in where I was sent to school, or that they chose to ignore anything I told them about being unhappy.

I've always struggled with self confidence, always think I look ugly and can't understand why anyone would want to be friends with ne (even though I have some lovely friends).

My DS is about to start secondary and we went with the school that all his friends are going to as I know that will help massively with the transition. I see his wonderful friendship group and it makes me so happy to know he has that, because I never did and I was so lonely (only child) growing up.

All of that rabbiting on above was to say that you're not alone and your feelings are entirely valid and understandable.

I went to a private girls school for secondary and at least half of my class have grown up to be very successful career women BUT many of them that are now “successful” did not do that well academically.

Their progress is based partly on family connections / support etc, for example their parents supported them to work in unpaid internships in London or gave them money in their 20s for a deposit on a house or a start up fund for a business which enabled them to take risks. And no doubt some had employment opportunities opened to them in specific companies based on who their family knew. The same actually applies to middle class kids I knew who has supportive parents and went to very average state schools. Many of the “half” who didn’t go into high earning jobs and didn’t even complete university were on scholarships etc. I think that’s very interesting and no coincidence.

There is an also a sort of confidence and unspoken belief my schoolmates had that they would all grown to be quite well off. No matter how lacking in intelligence, kindness or talent. I think that helps. And the constant hand outs from parents lol

If you were bullied and didn’t come from the same type of family it’s not wonder things didn’t turn out the way you might have hoped for. So yeah don’t feel bad. Your parents meant well but sounds like it wasn’t the best choice.

Going against the majority but I would feel
the same as you OP.

I enjoyed my not very posh private school in some ways - mainly for the great attitudes to girls playing sport.

But my home life wasn’t happy - my parents were drinking heavily and unhappy with each other. We’d only moved to that city at 13, so knew no one outside of school, which was an all girls school. I literally knew no boys beyond my friends brothers. I think these were some of the reasons I struggled so much with relationships in my 20s.

I too have massively under-achieved compared to my straight A record. The school even measure the IQs of about 5 of us.

My partner left state school at 15 and did far better than I did. Some male privilege there, but not all!

I had a horrendous time at a posh public (fee paying) school. My Dds had an ok time at state school - got top grades. My parents also thought money could buy you a better experience. I thought that a good state school would be the best - but it wasn’t all plain sailing. The whole experience depends on the children around your child and also things like teachers being ill/ leaving etc. It is so multi factorial that it is difficult to work out if grass is greener etc.

One thing I recognised when doing Uni open days with Dd was the ‘which school are you from’ ‘what does your dad do?’ mentality of private school (parents and) children. It still very much defined them. Dd and other state school children weren’t asking those questions they were saying ‘where are you from?’ ‘What do you like doing?’ type of questions.

My Dd told me she was in a lecture theatre for her first lecture and some posh boys were loudly arguing about which of their public schools was best value for their fees. I said to Dd she should have turned to them and said I would argue that mine was best value as I am sitting here next to you with my parents paying nothing. But she didn’t have the confidence they did (tbf she would now because she’s realised it’s all banter).

What you are doing is judging yourself as that unconfident girl who was at a school that was not a good fit for you and an experience you couldn’t control. Similar to me and possibly how my Dd would have been at the time if she went to
that school. Use those feelings on trying to work out where your child would be happiest if you have a choice of schools. I would also make sure they have a life outside of school (clubs etc) so that when friendship groups breakdown they have a back-up group.

btw, just to add I do understand how you feel and I felt a bit like you in my early 30s. I would be so ashamed I’d actively avoid my old school friends online since I was working in call centre at one point and I dreaded our conversations in case they asked me what I was doing with myself .

Shortly after I went back to retrain and got into a new professional career and then my creative passion in an unrelated field took off and i now get paid for it so my work is fairly often featured in local and national publications etc the money I get is enough to get a deposit on a flat and am now essentially working two jobs but I love it.

So I guess I could say ah it was “worth it”… if I still had that mentality. But actually the way my mindset is now, even if I had still been working in a call centre, what I’d tell myself is that I’m doing the best with what I have and there is no shame in having a different path from those I went to school with.

Especially as school doesn’t tell the whole story and our backgrounds were still very different so why expect we will always have the same outcome?

Maybe it didn't work for you because you'd been through years of bullying at school and as a result your self esteem, self image and confidence were already wobbly and just not up to being 'released into the wild' when you went to Uni. Its a difficult transition for a lot of folk, I certainly struggled and despite JUST scraping a 3rd in my degree I feel I 'failed' at Uni. I've had various mental health hills to climb since, and I didn't spend my former years getting bullied like you did.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You didn't have an easy road and that's not your fault. I'm miffed that your parents knew you were bullied and didn't do anything about it. Go easy on yourself. xx

I also went to private school, my parents pushed me into A levels I didn’t want to do and school told them I wouldn’t perform well in. I did Chemistry, Biology & Maths. I got a U in maths, N in Chemistry & a D in Biology. Fortunately we also took General Studies and my D in that, meant my 2 D’s were good enough to get me into an ex Poly reading Economics - which turned out to be my passion. I worked hard, got a 2:1 and managed to talk my way into investment banking where I’ve worked for 25yrs. It’s been a very lucrative career.

At a school reunion a few years back our year had a huge range of different occupations, there were lawyers, bankers and accountants, teachers, entrepreneurs, SAHM’s - we even have a professional storyteller! My 2 DC are also at private school, not because I want them to have glittering careers, but because I want them to have choice. They will have a great education, plenty of opportunities to try new things and hopefully, work out from that what their passion is. I want them to feel fulfilled and happy - whatever they choose. FWIW I’ve advised both mine against working in a bank, it’s a soul destroying career, but I’m stuck with it as I have two sets of school fees to pay.

I don’t think you’ve messed up. You’ve done what you can to the best of your ability given the scenarios you’ve been in.
Have you considered you might be neurodiverse? Asking as some of the things you’ve described about school, your 20s and work sound like the life experiences of many neurodiverse women.

This 100% private or state is irrelevant choosing an environment where your child can thrive and be happy is key. No one would do well in the circumstances you describe at school. My cousin's all went to fee paying schools. One of my cousins just did not fit in he was not that into rugby the main sport and was a poet and artist. My aunt could see this and moved him to a local state school where he met his tribe and excelled. This isn't on you at all you were simply in the wrong environment to flourish and unfortunately it had an impact on your mental health. Good to hear you are happier now but don't for a minute think you failed in any way.

It baffles me that people spend so much money on private education. There is virtually no evidence - none- that it buys good outcomes. After all how could there be? Good evidence would involve large randomised controlled trials with long term follow-ups. This would be prohibitively expensive.

Yes, privately educated people go on to be more economically successful, but there is a very obvious alternative mechanism going on there, in that their parents are also wealthy. Socioeconomic status is extremely hard to control for in analyses. And inheritance of socioeconomic status was going on for long before schools existed.

I attended three schools, ranging from a "bog standard comp" to a public school. There were a range of backgrounds at each school and I i mixed with very diverse people. My experience was that, with few exceptions, my peers' outcomes were almost entirely predictable from their parents' status. The teaching at the public school was absolutely not better than at the other schools, and there was also lots of bullying and some scandals involving staff and students. In my view, private education is mostly a tax on the gullible/fearful rich.

What I am saying here op, is that you did not waste your brilliant education, because there is no reason to think that your education was brilliant. And the fact that you felt uncomfortable working in finance probably just reflects well on your character

Agree with this entirely, our experiences are very similar. Especially about the scholarship kids. These are kids who, by definition, are of higher academic performance than the school average. But my experience is likewise that they do worse, economically, than their richer school friends. It's all about parental privilege in the end.

Family member is similar he was sent to a top public school got massive discount due to parents job he was miserable and frankly it’s had a life long affect. It’s more nuanced than “you pay it’s better” the school has to suit the child.

You need to see this for what it really is. Your parents left you in a school you were bullied at and it effected your mh which has took you years to recover from.

I think by your forties it’s time to let go of resentment over your parents’ choices / guilt over your own missed opportunities. They did their best, and so did you.

My parents had a tough time at independent school, so they sent me to the rough local comp. I was a quiet well mannered academic child, absolutely loathed it there and did not fit in at all. Ironically, I’d have done well at a small independent school I think, and that’s what I’ve chosen for my children.

The mistake your parents made was leaving you at a school where you were being bullied. I’d go absolutely nuts at the school and withdraw my children immediately if we had that. I suspect it damaged your confidence and that had career consequences for you, but it’s over now. Either get therapy or move on.

If it helps, we all look back and curse our missed opportunities. It’s just being a grown up I’m afraid.

It sounds like your parents set you up to fail. My sister and brother in law did the same with their eldest daughter. Paid a fortune in private school fees. She was average academically and struggled to fit in with kids from wealthy families. Left school at 16 and married the first loser who asked her. It is your parents who should feel guilty they didn't advocate for you when you were bullied and get you some mental health support. As for not celebrating your first and trying to make you feel bad words fail me.

If you have a nice fiancé, a DD and a job you are doing ok. Do you have opportunities now for career advancement?

But OP, you weren't 'given all these opportunities' as you say. You were dumped in a school for which you were not a good fit in any way, just because your dad got some money off the fees.

There is nothing you should feel guilty about. You had a shit time at school and that has affected you deeply. The fact your parents paid for you to have a totally shit time does not mean you are beholden to them in any way to succeed and present yourself as a model product of a system that let you down!

You don't need to judge yourself in any way.

Woah, you’ve a job you love, a fantastic DD and a lovely fiancé. You’ve got through some hard times. You’re happy. Where are the squandered chances? You’ve won at life!

I went to a one of the 'top' private schools (in terms of academics). Did fine academically but had a lot of self confidence issues over the years and have never really been able to hold down a job. Lots of people I was at school with have done nothing in particular. It's totally normal. Most people achieve not much!