How nice are you?

[Selmaandpatty]

Sometimes I feel like being nice is just really not that valued anymore. It's not about not being a pushover or lacking assertiveness, you can be very nice and still those things. it's more that I find a lot of people are just self-serving and gossip about people, or say hurtful things.
We're all human, we all make mistakes but on a day-to-day level I find that many people are not that nice. Of course they're not horrible, evil, depraved.
I can think of a very small number of people where I think that they are an exceptionally kind, caring, genuine and generous person, however like I said it's a very small number.

I don't know .
I think that's something other people are better able to see.
We all want to think we are nice but it's for others to say how we are perceived.

I think ‘nice’ is a completely meaningless, largely subjective descriptor.

I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘nice’. It’s not something I particularly want to be, and not something I prize in other people, either. I choose friends on the basis of their interestingness. Despite the fact that many of them do valuable volunteering work with refugees or Samaritans, and are ‘good’ people in that they are honest, thoughtful, ethical etc, I don’t think they would be viewed as ‘nice’ by most, as they lack a quality of inoffensive friendliness that seems to be what people mean on here by ‘nice’.

I always notice that people posting about having no friends invariably say ‘ But I’m nice!’ like it’s a clincher.

Would never harm anyone.
Help and support where i can.
But sometimes get pissed off and disappointed with people.

Just learn to give help that is proporcional to the need never overboard.

Proportional

I've learned not to give too much. I no longer go out of my way for others who really don't give a shite. I no longer get sucked into other people's problems. My mental health is better that way

I used to be what I thought was nice, but it was probably what most people would call people pleasing. I ran myself so ragged volunteering at school, church, in the community, helping elderly parents, with an SEN child, that I once fell asleep at my desk and missed picking the kids up from school.

I made not a single friend while helping others, as I was constantly rushing around and frazzled, and lost the couple of friends I had begun to make when we first moved to the area. So I stopped helping others, stopped being always available, learned to say no, learned not to give my number to anyone who came across as needy.

Life is a lot calmer now. I'm nice to people I work with and very nice to family. I'm nice to waiting staff and shop assistants etc but it's not something I try to be anymore.

I am warm. Not nice. Friendly but no push over. Extremely loyal to my friends. A nasty enemy to those who cross me.

Same. I realised the world doesn't fall apart if i don't make everyone happy.

What a great quote. 😀
This describes me so well.

That in itself doesn't make then "not nice".
People do move on.

I think I'm a really nice person
I'm a "people person".
I'd do anything for anyone even to the detriment of my own wants/needs/happiness.
Do you know where it gets me, absolutely nowhere.
I get shit on all the time.
I think other people take my kindness for weakness.
The funny thing is, I can stand up for myself if I'm continually pushed/taken advantage of.
Then people are shocked "what's her problem" etc.
When in reality they've pushed my buttons.
All this #bekind bullshit really is just bullshit.

I don’t know. What’s ‘nice’? It’s a word used by writers when there’s nothing more interesting or accurate to say. It seems like such a neutral word to me. Nice is surely in the eye of the beholder. Someone may think I’m nice when I am agreeable to whatever it is they want from me but the next minute they may think I am not nice because I have to prioritise something else.

I think ‘nice’ is useful in the sense of socialisation. To be part of a community you have to have a certain level of agreeableness in order to play. But too much and people lose respect for you.

I think ‘niceness’ could be cultivated. Whether one would want to us another matter.

Saw a phrase the other day - "somewhere between Mother Theresa & Mother Fucker"
People-pleasingly kind/lovely/thoughtful/loving/generous with time & care

Selfish/dismissive/demanding/overwhelmed

Same. I sometimes end up feeling really bitter about it….

The thing that annoys me the most is how doing a nice thing in itself isn't enough for some any more - they have to brag about it on Facebook, WhatsApp etc. I just find it cringey and it's just showing off.

Have you ever tried to be nice though and end up in a situation where you just think wtf

Oh gosh yes! Appalling! If you are going to give someone a bunch of flowers or an envelope of money, please do it quietly and anonymously and without filming it for Insta … .

On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd average around a 7

I'm not sure if I'm nice or not

I don't gossip about people, if I hear other people being unkind I don't join in, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to think about how other people feel and about the reasons why they might behave certain ways.

But I don't give a lot of my time to other people, even before I had DD I would work then get home for 6 and my evening was my own. Weekends were for cleaning, house maintenance and spending time with DP and my mum and my dog. Since having DD I have even less time. I will always be on the other end if someone wants to message me but I feel like I'm time poor. And the time I do have I want to spend on myself/DD/DP.

I feel like if I was a nicer person I would give more of myself to others outside of my family and maybe do kind things like make people cake or offer to help them move house.

I long to have a group of friends like the ones you read about in books or on television but it's probably never going to happen for me.

I am kind. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I’ll happily do something for you if you ask nicely and I like to make other people happy.

that being said I hate injustices/unfairness. I have a strong sense of right and wrong.

so if you’re being a twat, don’t expect me not to say something. I will call out your twattish behaviour.

I would probably say I'm "nice" most of the time but I think it's more trying to be considerate. I put my trolley away, I don't litter, I say please and thank you. I'm happy to chat if someone wants to within reason. But I also don't take shit either. If I see a dog in a car whilst someone's shopping I'll definitely report them and wait till their dog is out of the car. I won't stand by if someone is being harassed (if it's violent I would call the police, I'm not stupid). I try and I hope that counts. But I have my moments too, of course. But I do try.

Had to pull out this thread again to take the 'nice' prize of the day. I travelled on a train today, something I rarely do, and booked a quiet carriage. I brought a crossword puzzle and headphones. A man sat down opposite me obviously dying for a chat so I made the polite chit chat then spent the next 30 mins waiting and hoping for him to stop. 3 times I picked up my phone pretending to answer a msg and he started up again. He had a very strange blank expression and told me about a horrific acquired brain injury he had and all the years of rehabilitation etc. I just couldn't be rude to him so spent 30 minutes hearing his life story making appropriate reactions. Thankfully he got out before me so I said it was a pleasure to have met him and wished him the best. I find myself in this position quite often and people say I'm too nice but I feel i did a good thing today although I feel a bit robbed of my time. What would a less 'nice' person have done? I honestly don't know how to handle these situations any other way!

@LaMaG I read your story and thought to myself, that’s just the patriarchy in action.

It’s like senior age men - they assume they can stop and keep you to listen to their stories in a way that senior age women just don’t.

But it was indeed nice if you! :-)

YANBU! In my workplace people who are argumentative and not nice are definitely thought of as being the elite! I am a nice person (some might say a pushover, but I’m not I am assertive when I need to be).

Ive worked my way up to senior manager and I’m definitely the softest person to have achieved this position, but honestly I just hate to be a dick unnecessarily! It’s perhaps to do with my childhood - my mum was and in fact still is always angry and going about her day ready to be offended by people’s actions, rude to shop assistants, etc. I hated it then and still do, so I think that’s why I am overly nice!