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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend not helping with feelings

32 replies

Lilly0909 · 21/07/2023 23:59

Hi all
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 28. 3 years ago, I was ended a 2 year abusive relationship and my ex was prosecuted. My current partner knows this and I have spoken about it many times. I have been into detail about everything he did and how badly it has affected me.
I have not dealt with it at all and I think I have pushed all the emotions down for years and been in 'survival mode'. However, life recently has started to feel more stable and I've started to feel very emotional and sad about it all, with lots of feelings bubbling up.
This evening, my boyfriend arrived and I wanted to talk to him about how the negative feelings had resurfaced recently and honestly just wanted to vent a bit, for him to listen and maybe ask a few questions and comfort me.

Instead, he decided to relate it all back to a bad relationship he had with a girl which was on no level half as bad as what had happened to me. I would understand if he had gone through the same experience and was offering his to help me, but it really just felt like he was diminishing how awful it really was for me by relating it to one of his relationships.

I spoke for a while, he offered zero helpful input and asked no questions, then went on a rant about his ex. I went quiet and when he finally stopped I said 'why did you just spend the whole time talking about yourself when I'm upset about something?'

He is now annoyed at me and saying 'well I guess I won't talk about my feelings then' and 'I don't know what you want from me'

AIBU?

OP posts:

Spottypineapple · 22/07/2023 00:11

It might just all be a bit heavy for him? He didn't know how to respond? Or what you wanted from the exchange?

I'm sorry this happened to you OP but it sounds like you need a therapist rather than expecting to be able to unload on your DP.

Newnamehiwhodis · 22/07/2023 00:14

The place to process this is not - absolutely not - with your boyfriend.
he’s not a therapist.
he was likely trying to relate, and it just didn’t land or help; wasn’t what you needed -

but can you see that you are asking an awful lot of a romantic partner?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2023 00:22

Get a therapist. Dumping on your boyfriend is not going to get you the results you are looking for.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2023 00:43

You are being completely, wholly unreasonable and very, very unfair to your boyfriend.

He is not a therapist, and you have no right to declare your past experiences are "more than/worse than" his. Dumping all of your past issues on him and then demanding he react in a certain way is boarding very closely to abusive behaviour.

If you need help dealing with past trauma, get professional help.

twentyonepoundnote · 22/07/2023 00:50

Please don't treat your boyfriend like this, it is really unfair. You can't judge if his experiences are "better" or "worse" for a start. He was sharing with you, and you belittled him.

You say you have spoken to your partner many times, and been into detail about everything, and how it affected you, then you say you are now feeling extra sad, and have a lot of feelings bubbling up.

It sounds as if this is your main topic of conversation, and has been throughout the relationship? It sounds as if your boyfriend has listened for hours already? This isn't really the basis for a relationship.

It sounds as if you need to invest in a professional counsellor, so you can vent to someone a bit more removed from you, and vent less at your boyfriend

Northernparent68 · 22/07/2023 05:58

Can you not see how dismissive you were ?

Wolfiefan · 22/07/2023 06:00

He’s not your therapist. You can’t use him to process your feelings and dismiss his. You need professional help.

Fab973 · 22/07/2023 06:02

you were so rude

SusanBetty · 22/07/2023 06:04

While my DH offers lots of emotional support in life, like listening to me talk about work, family, friends etc, I agree with PP that talking about such intense, heavy issues is very inappropriate with your partner.

He was likely trying to show he understood, as far as he can do, which was supportive of him.

A trained, qualified therapist is 100% more appropriate for those sort of conversations.

Defiantjazz · 22/07/2023 06:06

Validating other peoples feelings is not a skill everyone has by any means. It’s a shame but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

From what you’ve said I think seeking counselling is your best bet.

Sunsetandsunrise · 22/07/2023 06:15

Agree with pp, find a therapist or even a few close friends and ask them if they don’t mind you speaking to them about this. To dump this on any one person especially your bf is awful. If a man did that to me I’d end it real quick. He probably related it back to himself because he felt it was too much and wanted a way to stem the outpouring from you. Maybe a bit clumsy but it’s clear he’s had enough.

I had a friend who trauma dumped on me for about four years. She is no longer a friend because she didn’t heed my warnings to not do so. theres listening and providing emotional support in friendship and relationship but then there’s people using you as a 24/7 therapist with no regard to how you might be feeling.

Babsexxx · 22/07/2023 06:20

Yabu! Of course you are! He’s no therapist I expect he doesn’t want to keep hearing it tbh you need to stop offloading onto the person that’s supposedly made your life better and see a councillor! And it’s not a competition as to who’s had it worse christ don’t tread all over how bad his relationship was just because apparently nowhere near as bad as yours that? That’s insane.

And comes across quite narcissistic op.

lunar1 · 22/07/2023 06:23

He didn't cause your trauma, and he doesn't understand it. You need professional help with this. If not it's going to affect every relationship you are in.

h3ll0o · 22/07/2023 06:27

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2023 00:43

You are being completely, wholly unreasonable and very, very unfair to your boyfriend.

If you need help dealing with past trauma, get professional help.

Your bf’s behaviour was reasonable. You spoke about a past experience, he listened and used his past experiences to relate to you.

It is not ok for you to diminish his experience or control what he is and isn’t allowed to say.

As others have commented you need to seek professional help.

WaltzingWaters · 22/07/2023 06:39

You need a therapist.
He should of course support you through what you’re feeling, but he shouldn’t be your therapist. And many many people (myself included) wouldn’t have a clue what to say when someone suddenly unloads like that. I’d say I’m sorry that happened to you and you deserve more. then I’d be at a loss of how to continue. Some people react better/know what to say in that sort of situation than others, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they care any less.

MichelleScarn · 22/07/2023 06:48

I'm sorry but I agree with pp you are verging on abusive behaviour.
What you've reported sounds like
He MUST listen to you for as long as you want.
He's not allowed to discuss himself
He must respond only in the way you accept.
Very unfair.

Sigmama · 22/07/2023 08:01

Sorry you are feeling so shit op and I don't agree that your behaviour is abusive at all, I do however know that generally this is not a good idea, he is struggling to respond the way you would like, therapy would be useful

maddening · 22/07/2023 08:05

Yabu- you ambushed him with an evening of possibly intense indepth conversation about your issues and when he tries to respond it isn't good enough- he is not a therapist and is not trained to deal with this on the level you seem to expect or need.

Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 08:09

You have talked to him about this ‘alot’ you have gone into great detail. He comes round and you want to use him as your therapist.

Sounds to me like you have talked about it that he much he no longer a knows what to say or what to do. So he tried empathising. It also sounds like you don’t think he should talk about his feelings because, his relationship wasn’t as bad as yours.

Those of us who have been abused don’t get to play down others negative experiences because our was, objectively, worse.

It actually sounds like you have incredibly high expectations. You seem to believe he is your therapist as and when you need it. Which sounds like a lot. There’s seems to be a lot of take, but little give.

and honestly (again I was in an abusive marriage so I am not unsympathetic) it’s exhausting to listen to someone going over and over and over the same things and expected endless support, the right thing to be said, the right action to be taken. Especially if you aren’t trained to do this.

You need to speak to a professional. That’s not to say you can’t talk to him at all. But he isn’t your therapist. He has given you years of support and been a listening ear. If you still need to have deep discussions about your feelings around this, you need to get someone who is trained to help.

Notmineagain · 22/07/2023 08:09

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2023 00:43

You are being completely, wholly unreasonable and very, very unfair to your boyfriend.

If you need help dealing with past trauma, get professional help.

This op, you're only 24 yet already had a 2 year relationship which was heavy and already in a new one so soon. Maybe take some time to be single and work on the trauma.

Tilllly · 22/07/2023 08:33

I'm sorry that you've had such a traumatic experience

I think to move forward long term, you should seek counselling, as PPs have suggested, so this isn't a scar across your whole life

Short term, go see your bf and apologise. Tell him you are looking at counselling so you can put this behind you, and not use him to vent to. Explain it's because you feel safe with him but you know it's not fair

Quveas · 22/07/2023 08:39

A relationships is not about you. You have made it about you. You have repeatedly and in detail gone over and over a previous relationship with him because it traumatised you. The impact it had on you is undeniable, but he is correct, and there is nothing he can do or say that will help - and tbf, being a boyfriend isn't about being a therapist. You say that you are now "stable" - you aren't or you wouldn't still be rehearsing this over and over. Your situation requires professional support and help.

When he offered his perspective - or, indeed, perhaps felt that your own rant had awakened unresolved issues from one of his previous relationships - you minimised his feelings, failed to listen to him, and were unsupportive. All things you accuse him of having been.

I think it is perhaps surprising that he is still committed to the relationship if his experience is that you need to rehearse your previous relationship in such detail on repeated occasions, and I totally understand why he doesn't know what to do now. It possibly would be best for you both if you split up. It doesn't sound like you are really ready for a relationship yet, and need time to work through what has happened in your past with a professional who can offer the appropriate direction and support. But if you stay togther you need to still get that support elsewhere, and let him be a boyfriend and not your therapist.

Original poster

Lilly0909 · 22/07/2023 11:58

Thank you all so much I had no idea I was behaving this way. I totally agree now and see it from his side and have apologised. Love mumsnet! X

OP posts:

pictoosh · 22/07/2023 12:03

Ok Miss Selfy...how about you seek a therapist instead of offloading all this stuff onto, of all people, your boyfriend?

pictoosh · 22/07/2023 12:03

Cross posted.
Good good.

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