Boyfriend not helping with feelings

[Lilly0909]

Hi all
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 28. 3 years ago, I was ended a 2 year abusive relationship and my ex was prosecuted. My current partner knows this and I have spoken about it many times. I have been into detail about everything he did and how badly it has affected me.
I have not dealt with it at all and I think I have pushed all the emotions down for years and been in 'survival mode'. However, life recently has started to feel more stable and I've started to feel very emotional and sad about it all, with lots of feelings bubbling up.
This evening, my boyfriend arrived and I wanted to talk to him about how the negative feelings had resurfaced recently and honestly just wanted to vent a bit, for him to listen and maybe ask a few questions and comfort me.

Instead, he decided to relate it all back to a bad relationship he had with a girl which was on no level half as bad as what had happened to me. I would understand if he had gone through the same experience and was offering his to help me, but it really just felt like he was diminishing how awful it really was for me by relating it to one of his relationships.

I spoke for a while, he offered zero helpful input and asked no questions, then went on a rant about his ex. I went quiet and when he finally stopped I said 'why did you just spend the whole time talking about yourself when I'm upset about something?'

He is now annoyed at me and saying 'well I guess I won't talk about my feelings then' and 'I don't know what you want from me'

AIBU?

That’s lovely to hear, it’s very easy to become defensive when people criticise so fair play for being able to properly listen and reflect, and make amends!

Hope it all works out for you both

Great update Op.

But remember, you still (clearly) need to get this feelings out and deal with them.

Just don’t put it all on one person and go seek some professional support

I've had a few hiccups in life that have affected me tremendously and would often offload to my Mother. I'd often leave feeling more frustrated and angry than when I started. It took me a while to figure out why. My Mum picks everything apart and asks so so many questions, I felt as if I wasn't being listened to. I obviously was, but she is a "fixer" and wanted to put everything right for me. I just wanted someone to listen, someone who I could offload to, who would sympathise with me.

Mum didn't do that because she was so focused on fixing things for me. I'd just get a load of "Well why don't you do ABC" and "Well you should do XYZ". I ended up feeling worse, because it made me feel like I was drowning and it was my fault because I was inadequat and still falling short.

When it dawned on me that it was the feeling of being listened to, and sympathy that I needed, this helped up both tremendously. I can now go to her and say "I don't need help in fixing this, I just need to offload" and although I can tell she's itching to suggest things to her credit she doesn't. This also helped me listen to others and refrain from trying to "fix" when others come to me with their troubles. I'll actually all my OH what he's expecting from me when he needs a big chat.

While you've obviously upset your boyfriend, in future it might be worth telling him what you need from a conversation before you open the hatch of offloading (And obviously make time for his issues to flow too). Maybe you won't know what you need before the conversation starts, but I've found it really helpful to consider.

...I'll actually ask my OH what he's expecting...

I would really recommend you both read me. Are from mara women are from Venus it answers this question so well for both sides

Don't. It's male apologist load of old hokey.

Men are from mars women are from
Venus

It's really helpful
For explaining when I say this I need you do to this because I mean this and vice versa