Am I the unreasonable one?

[ell07]

DH and I are in our 30's, married for 6 years and have a newborn.

DH has his own company and works 5 or 6 days a week.

I don't want to drip feed so DH has his own company and does his own quotes and invoices etc, he used to work 6-7 days a week but slowed down when our baby was born to spend time with us. He does 5 days sometimes the odd Saturday too.

He is tired from working, I'm tired from being parent 99% of the time. We are now butting heads and it's got into a stupid "I have more reason to be tired" battle now so I've come away and will stop before it becomes stupid and even more petty.

Baby has CMPA, a heart murmur and bad reflux, I sleep on the sofa 5 nights a week with her so he can sleep for work and he has her 2 nights so I can get a full night sleep.

I do all of the laundry, housework, life admin, dog walking, appointments for baby (been lots lately due to the above) and vets for our dog, my whole week consists of sleeping on the sofa, broken sleep, walking dog with baby, laundry, cleaning, I go to baby group once a week and feeding/changing nappies.

He says things like "I don't understand how you haven't got an hour to sit down and watch tv or do something for you" which get my back up. I don't know how the day goes so fast but it does, she does her last sleep 4-7 then I'm up for another bottle, sit with her upright for half hour, she naps and I do laundry/sterilising/hoovering or whatever needs doing. She wakes for another bottle, after that bottle I put her and our dog in the car and drive to the nearest dog walking spot, walk for an hour at least, home and we play for a bit with her sensory stuff until she's tired and has another bottle. She naps again and this is my opportunity to hang washing to dry/clean toilet/get to the shop to do food shop or anything else that needs doing and then get dinner sorted. He comes home and after dinner, I have a bath with her, then it's bottle, playing, nappy and bed until she has her next feed.

I've asked him why all of a sudden the last few weeks he's been so unhelpful, he always used to take the bins out and doesn't even do that now, he has breakfast and leaves his dirty bowl and mug in sink when dishwasher is emptied every night, doesn't let the dog out for a wee when I'm sleeping (says he forgot) so more often than not I'm woken up by dog scratching door before baby has woke for feeding.

I'm so so tired from broken sleep and doing all of the listed above, I tried to explain to him that looking after our DD and taking care of the house and dog is also a full time job except I don't get to take a lunch break or an hour out for myself. I'm on shift 23 hours a day, 1 hour I get to myself probably in total out of every 24 hour period.

I'm beginning to resent him which I never wanted to happen, he's usually and always has been a brilliant husband and we've always felt like a team but the past few weeks I feel like he's just opted out and he can because he's Dad. He's got 2 nights away with his friends also coming up next month. He just keeps saying we've got a holiday to look forward to. As if going away in October is going to make me any less tired now.

I'm sorry this is so long and if you're still reading, thank you 😂 I'm just worn out, emotionally drained and lonely. I love DD more than anything and feel bad for even moaning 😢

Your job during the day is looking after baby and recovering yourself. All housework should be shared in the hours your DH is home.

Mine was only home for 36 hours a week when DD was born. I wasn’t doing much housework when he wasn’t there!

I can empathise with everything you describe! Not sure there’s a right answer as with a newborn everyone’s tired and cranky in my experience.
I was fortunate that my partner did a months paternity at the end of my mat leave and never again did he call it my “year off”
obviously that’s not always an option for the partner to experience what you’re going through.
some day soon you’ll start getting better sleep and I promise that helps!
Are you planning to be at SAHM or return to work?

The thing is, he is happy to leave cleaning. He's quite a tidy person but I get itchy having dog hair on floor and have always hoovered every other day. He won't touch the toilet at all. He doesn't understand how I can't sleep knowing I've got a kitchen with plates and pans that need washing, he'd happily leave it til the next day so he doesn't have an urge to clean so therefore thinks it's not important and can be done whenever.

@Bluesheeps I would like to return to work when she is 7/8 months part time until she's a year, that's the plan anyway but I don't know how I'm going to when I'm solely responsible for the house, dog etc etc as well.

Can you outsource anything? Can you get a cleaner in?
don’t feel guilty if the dog only has a short walk one day cos you don’t feel up to it. Try to lower your standards a bit to take the pressure off the housework. Easier said than done I know.
how old is your baby? Honestly it’s the sleep deprivation getting to you and you won’t always feel this way. Can your partner have a few nights on the sofa?

No you're not being unreasonable I felt the exact same with a newborn. I felt so sleep deprived and the smallest thing like your DH not putting the bin out can feel like the last straw! He's probably checked out because he hasn't got all your attention now there's a baby. Men are twats

I would be entirely unable to be in a relationship with a man like that.

Life is hard. Children are hard. Relationships are hard.

The second you stop being kind to each other you’re in trouble.

My DH and I don’t have a perfect relationship but the only way life works for us is if everything is both of our responsibilities and we put in the effort together.

Nothing is 50/50 but we never take advantage and we pull our weight.

If it doesn’t require then use of specific genitalia in my house it’s everyone’s job. That’s been the rule since long before DD came along. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t fall into that “woman’s work” thing.

While he's at home baby/house work should be 50/50 with time off for both of you where possible.

You can’t say you’re in 23 hrs a day all week when he does the 2 weekend nights with her. That’s a pretty decent luxury to have.

He doesn't understand how I can't sleep knowing I've got a kitchen with plates and pans that need washing

It’s hard being in the thick of it with a young baby but it honestly sounds like you’re making more work than necessary. You shouldn’t need to spend most of your waking spare minutes doing food shops or household chores. There’s really only so much to be done with 2 adults and 1 child.

You just have to loosen up a bit, having a young baby is all about priorities. You just can’t have everting at 100% at the same time. Sometimes you need to leave the washing up and have a bath, or watch tv or get an early night. It’s not the end of the world. But if you can’t leave any little thing then you can’t really moan at him when it’s you.

All those man who will happily leave plates in the sink - it just means they will do absolutely anything not to clean up.

He is being incredibly unfair and I really feel for you having to sleep on the sofa. I think you need to knock that one on the head.

To add, yes it’s ridiculous about the sofa. Literally stop that tonight.

Walk the dog near your house. Newborns don't need to play. Don't do as much housework.

Why do you need to do so many food shops? He does need to pull his weight more but you're doing too much.

Also drop baby group if you don't get anything from it and it's just another chore. I was a single parent to my eldest and wasn't as busy as you.

@Hufflepods it's a luxury that I get unbroken sleep 2 nights a week? Whilst he gets 5 nights of 7-9 hour sleeps?

@Cupcakekiller she's 8 weeks so needs some kind of stimulation now, we do half hour a day, a few minutes tummy time and the rest I play with her on her light up/musical mat.

I need to walk our dog off lead, he's high energy and I can't do that within walking distance of where I live. It's busy streets.

@Cupcakekiller I also do one food shop a week but was using it as an example of other things I have to do. Baby group is important to me as I feel like the social side for me is good and it means she's building an immune system and is stimulated.

Having a baby is haaaaaard work and it's testing on the most strongest relationships.

But I agree with the above, you aren't going to be able to keep all these plates spinning.

I have a toddler and a baby, there is no housework being done, I have a cleaner come.
Tidying happens when the kids are in bed.

I try to maybe put dinner on (slow cooker usually) to help with the evenings. But honestly, making it through the day is my priority with everyone alive and fed 😂.

Nap times are spent watching Netflix, otherwise I will have nothing to give!!!

Can you share things out - maybe your DH can do the bath/bedtime routine with your baby in the evenings and you tidy up kitchen - or alternate between you.

No way should you be sleeping on the sofa five nights a week - do you have a second bedroom ? Or whoever looks after your baby sleeps in your bed and the other on the sofa ?

Can you afford a cleaner once a week or a dog walker a few mornings a week?

Your DH needs to get back to doing the bins and once he’s home, everything should be 50/t0. It’s early days and usually does get easier.

Can you/your DH do an online food shop once a week - either delivery or collect.

Absolutely no way would DH have me sleeping on the sofa whilst he got 9 hours sleep in the bed.
lack of sleep is just not sustainable
you need to split the sofa time, or get a blow up mattress or something else.
when he’s at work, you’re at work looking after the baby, and house if you have chance
when he comes home you’re both at work looking after the house and baby

it makes no sense that he gets time off around work and 9 hours sleep in a bed
and you are on call 24 hours with broken sofa sleep

its early days it will get easier but dh is being selfish right now, I imagine he doesn’t realise it because life suddenly got a lot more difficult for him, but he needs to grow up

I understand and have been where you are. Men get confused and think you have suddenly become a maid. Please just at least think about my advice xx.

If he leaves cups and plates on the bench when the dishwasher is empty don’t make him dinner that night. You didn’t get time as you had to clean the kitchen. Put a sign on the dishwasher when it’s ready to be filled. Obviously I would talk to him about how disrespectful it is first and ask nicely.

When you do make dinner make double, freeze half of have the rest the next night. Don’t worry about fancy dinners or meat and veg, just make things you can use for another meal, and nothing that you can’t leave for a moment if the baby needs you.

Listen to Elsa and let it go. Don’t try to keep the house immaculate. Have a basket you can throw stuff in as you go that needs to be put away and save it for the weekend. Have a box in the lounge to keep baby toys in so it’s quick to tidy. Have one day mid week you can do a quick surface clean, vacuum, wipe bathroom clean toilet etc. Other than the weekend just don’t do it. If the dog hair is bad get a stick vacuum and quickly go over the area the baby plays in.

Use the dryer, don’t hang anything. Buy a special cloths basket for DH, throw his clean unfolded clothes in there for him to deal with. Yes it will become his new wardrobe but it really doesn’t matter.

On the weekend while DH is home send him out to take the baby for a walk with the dog. Put some music on and empty that bloody basket full of crap, clean the bathroom, mop floors etc. If he won’t do this for you then he can wash his own clothes and make his own food.

Order the shopping click and collect and get DH to pick it up on the way home.

Take the dog for walks, go to the baby groups get out the house!!

He won’t help, the only thing you can do is less house work yourself.

Take the time to spend with your baby and rest.

Good luck, don’t hesitate to ask for more tips to do less.

I am blown away that you are managing all that. I also have an 8 week old (why I’m awake at 4am) and am currently counting having a shower as a job to pat myself on the back for. Why can’t your husband sleep on the sofa? Mines on the futon as he wanted more sleep. Me & baby in the bedroom. Also I’m not saying this to rub it in but just to illustrate that you are taking on too much, my husband is working (albeit from home 50% of the time) but also doing all the cooking and a fair amount of the housework. Granted it sounds like our standards at the moment are far lower than yours (definitely leaving plates in the sink overnight, cooking has been simple & included the odd ready meals). But surely he could do a few jobs to lighten your load?? I think you need to talk seriously with him about stepping up a bit more. Maybe specific quick jobs that are his each day (ie bins & washing up).There’s no way I would have got through the last 8 weeks trying to do all that so seriously you are doing an incredible job. At the very least he should take the baby for 1 hour in the evening so you can relax, have a bath, do whatever you need to do for you. It’s also nice bonding time for them. He needs to understand that caring for a baby that small is a full time job too!

It is very dangerous if you fall asleep on the sofa with the baby. You should have the bed and your partner the sofa. Is there a space for another bed or could you get a proper sofa bed?

If you want time to yourself ask your partner to have the baby for you/to do stuff in the house. If you spend that time doing housework instead of relaxing when things could wait that's not your partners fault. If you try to keep such high housework standards while caring for a small baby and partner working full time it will be tough.