Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very angry with my father for smacking my child

34 replies

BabiesEverywhere · 26/02/2008 09:04

Well, I know I am not.

My parents were looking after my DD for a few hours yesterday. In the early evening just before we went home, she was being a bit silly and tired and touched one of the books on the big open shelves.

My father went over and instead of redirecting her as he normal does, he smacked her hand. I just shouted that 'we don't hit our children' and he did say sorry to ME not DD.

I am just worried he will do it again, he is old fashioned and we were smacked as children but this is NOT the way we have decided to bring up our children. It really upset me and confused DD who didn't even understand what had happened, so zero benefit all around.

I am just upset as I deeply love my father and I thought he knew how strongly I felt about smacking. I suppose I will have to have another conversation with either mum or dad and make sure they understand how I feel.

I don't want to turn this into a smacking debate. If you thinking hitting children educates them in some way, that is up to you but I choose not to hit my child and I will not leave her with someone who thinks this is a reasonable behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabiesEverywhere · 26/02/2008 09:05

Oh, she is only 18 months old

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 26/02/2008 09:05

Oh bloody hell

I am very sorry

Disenchanted · 26/02/2008 09:07

I think you are overreacting a bit. Sorry.

He smacked her hand, he apologised when you told him you didnt do that.

I dont think he will do it again.

Its not like he smacked her bum and left a angry red hand mark ect...

ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 09:08

He was out of order - she didn't even do anything wrong.

You need to speak to your parents and tell them that are NOT to smack your child for any reason. You don't have to debate the rights and wrongs of smacking it's not relevant - you don't want them to do it and that's final

Disenchanted · 26/02/2008 09:08

Oh and good idea to have a chat again, to make it clear its not acceptable!

theangelshavethephonebox · 26/02/2008 09:09

So sorry to hear this. I am not surprised you're so upset. I think you're right, you will need to have another conversation with them about how important this is to you.

K999 · 26/02/2008 09:12

I would have been angry too. She is tiny. At least you told him and so he hopefully will not do it again....

Original poster
BabiesEverywhere · 26/02/2008 09:15

I thought last night I was just over reacting but I still feel cross today. I think the smacking was more a familar habit than by design but that is why it worries me.

Yes, I need to have a chat with them.

OP posts:
Emprexia · 26/02/2008 09:26

I agree with Disenchanted.. it was only her hand.
Yes its unacceptable if you choose not to smack, but you're being silly to get 'very angry' about it.

ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 09:43

I think babies is probably feeling 'very angry' because she is worried that this won't be a one off incident that it may happen again while she's not there - an element of trust has been broken and now the added stress of having to have a conversation with her parents about it to give her piece of mind that it won't happen again.

Original poster
BabiesEverywhere · 26/02/2008 09:48

Spot On ConnorTraceptive

OP posts:
theangelshavethephonebox · 26/02/2008 09:51

plus the fact that it was a smack over a such a small thing and the child is only 18 months old. I would be furious.

ecoworrier · 26/02/2008 09:58

I think she has every right to be 'very angry' about it. There's no silliness about it.

Whether or not someone chooses to hit their own children, you never ever do so to someone else's unless you know you have their express permission to do so in specific situations.

ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 09:58

Exactly angel - it's not about whether smacking is wrong or not or whether it's just a tap on the hand but the fact that it's so subjective. Her father has no right to decide what is a smacking offense and what isn't.

theangelshavethephonebox · 26/02/2008 10:03

I have worried about this myself as my parents smacked and it affected me a lot.

They have never raised a hand to ds so far but I worry that as he gets older and starts testing boundaries (he's 20.5 months now) that my dad will lose patience with him and go back to what he knows, which is smacking and yelling.

hecate · 26/02/2008 10:04

It doesn't matter whether it was a smack on the bum, a tap on the hand or a cuff round the head! The point is that it is your child and your rules. There's no such thing as 'only' a tap, if you as the parent have decided that there are to be no taps at all.

ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 10:06

I have the same worry angel - I feel so guilty for thinking it though because my Dad worships ds and he's a fab grandad - but the worry lurks all the same.

JingleyJen · 26/02/2008 10:14

I feel really sorry that this has happened to question your faith in leaving your children with your father.

My FiL smacked my son last time we left them for the weekend, DS1 told me when we got back. the situation was very different to yours but I just wish that FiL had respected our wishes that we did not want him to punish through smacking.

When we leave them next time I have already told Dh that I will be clearly stating that I do not find it acceptable for them to smack the children.

theangelshavethephonebox · 26/02/2008 10:17

CT - same here - ds and my dad adore each other. My mum reckons my dad will respect my wishes...let's hope so.

KerryMum · 26/02/2008 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumama · 26/02/2008 10:22

i think there is a compromise to be had... that he might not have realised how out of line he was .. so to not let him have any more contact is a bit too harsh, IMO.

have a serious chat with him and explain your feelings when you are calmer

cutting a grandparent out of her life could ultimately be more damaging and upsetting to everyone than a smack on the hand

you can express your zero tolerance of this behaviour without cutting him out of her life

Original poster
BabiesEverywhere · 26/02/2008 10:28

He would never beat her, they are very attached and with this exception has been an excellent loving grandfather and father. I would never cut them out of our lives about this, I just need to make sure it doesn't happen again.

This is a case of different parenting methods. We use redirection and explanations, he smacks. I need to talk to my mum but I know she'll think I am taking things out of proportion. But it is very important to me that my daughter is not smacked.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 26/02/2008 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotPourri · 26/02/2008 10:33

You shouldn't leave them out, but I think you shoudl make it clear that if you leave DD again with them, there shoudl be no smacking. as someone else said, it is a not a discussion point, and not relevant whether he thinks it is good for her or not. YOU do not smack, and neither shoudl anyone else. Otherwise you will feel obliged to reduce/stop teh time spent there.

You are right to be upset. And if you parents respect you, then they will respect your choices too. And if not, then you shoudl not expose your child to disrespectful people

ConnorTraceptive · 26/02/2008 10:34

I think you just need to say "Look I don't want to rake over dad smacking DD's hand the other day let's consider it forgotten BUT in the future it's just not to happen under any circumstances. YOu may not agree with us on this but that's just the way it has to be"