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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin sees her estranged brother's son behind his back

42 replies

BlueRaspberry7 · 21/07/2023 14:56

My cousins (in their late 20s) fell out to the point that they now don't have contact. The male cousin (let's call him John) was not invited to (let's call her) Susan's wedding. Susan's new husband Paul has forbidden contact. Paul and John do not get on.

John had some mental health and addiction problems in the past which were very difficult and affected family life. John is now in full recovery and working hard on self improvement and doing things right. Susan refuses to talk to him now or in future.

John has a 5 year old son (Cal) who doesnt live with him but he has him weekends, when the child generally stays at John and Susan's mums house (my aunt - sorry if this is confusing!)

John is unwilling to let Susan have access to Cal unless they make amends between them.

Susan regularly sees Cal behind John's back -facilitated by my aunt who asks the rest of us in the family to not tell John - so as to protect him.

YABU - Susan has a right to haves relationship with her nephew and John should be letting her have access. It's ok that auntie facilitates Susan to see Cal being John's back.

YANBU - Cal is John's child and if Susan is unwilling to see John, John has the right to prevent her seeing Cal. Auntie is wrong to facilitate Susan seeing Cal and should not be asking other family members to keep this secret from John, to protect him or otherwise.

OP posts:
Happygerbil · 21/07/2023 14:57

I would stay out of it.

TeaKitten · 21/07/2023 14:58

YANBU but it’s none of your business, and no harm is really coming to the child so you are better just staying out of it.

Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 21/07/2023 16:01

Have asked to be kept out of it but we're a family who see a lot of each other (I'm close to both cousins) so i sometimes unwillingly get drawn in to keeping it quiet/secret - this goes against my moral code.

OP posts:
Lovingitallnow · 21/07/2023 16:07

How is auntie facilitating this? If she's taking care of him I can understand how it would be a massive betrayal facilitating contact when he's trusting her. But similarly if she's being used all the time for childcare, forbidding her daughter from the house is unreasonable.

blueluce85 · 21/07/2023 16:09

Cal will soon tell dad so it won't matter then

FrogFairy · 21/07/2023 16:10

Cal is eventually going to say something about seeing his aunt. A five year old cannot be expected to keep a secret like this.

WildUnchartedWaters · 21/07/2023 16:15

I'm struggling to see how this is anything to do with you at all.

JulieHoney · 21/07/2023 16:20

YABU, keep out of it.

If your aunt is looking after her grandson and invites her daughter over to see him, it’s got nothing to do with you.

It’s got nothing to do with John either, if he uses his mum for childcare during his very limited time with Cal.

Saschka · 21/07/2023 16:20

I think you know that if your child is regularly being looked after by your mum, at her house, your sister may well bump into them.

Different if Aunty Susan is being invited round for the day specifically to spend time with Cal - I’d be pretty annoyed if my DM did that, personally. But just running into each other at DM’s house is going to be hard to avoid.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/07/2023 16:20

The nephew has a right to have a relationship with his family independent of the father. The father has not recognised that his sister owes him nothing - not her time, not her forgiveness - and the child that he brought into the world is not a bargaining chip so that he can say everything's all hunky dory and the harm he has caused others is 'all in the past now'.

Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 21/07/2023 16:42

@JulieHoney thats a bit unnecessarily unkind.

I don't want anything to do with it but i am occasionally at the house when John leaves and then aunt calls Susan to come over and I'm asked not to mention it.

And it's not childcare - aunt very much wants Cal to stay the night.

OP posts:
ElBandito · 21/07/2023 16:51

It isn't fair on the 5 year old if he is also expected to keep secrets from his dad. One day the poor kid will let something slip.

JulieHoney · 21/07/2023 17:01

BlueRaspberry7 · 21/07/2023 16:42

@JulieHoney thats a bit unnecessarily unkind.

I don't want anything to do with it but i am occasionally at the house when John leaves and then aunt calls Susan to come over and I'm asked not to mention it.

And it's not childcare - aunt very much wants Cal to stay the night.

I didn't mean to sound unkind. I think you are well out of the internal wranglings of your cousins. Their rules about who is allowed to see whom is something anyone with sense would want to steer well clear of - you can only get caught in the crossfire when the truth comes out.

Which it will inevitably do when Cal mentions something about Aunty Susan.

I'm sure your aunt is delighted to have Cal, and it's great that John is getting his life back on track. That's great news for everyone.

However, John cannot dictate who your aunt has in her own home, nor should be be withholding Cal from extended family because they haven't absolved John for his previous behaviour. That's using Cal. Part of the 12 step programme is making amends, not exacting petty revenge.

huuskymam · 21/07/2023 17:05

So is the child being told to keep a secret from his dad?

Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 21/07/2023 17:13

I don't know for sure but imagine that yes Cal is being asked to keep it a secret

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRaspberry7 · 21/07/2023 17:18

@JulieHoney

Thanks. yes, agree that John can't dictate who his mum has in her home and that using a child as revenge would be distasteful.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 21/07/2023 18:06

Is no-one else bothered about "Susan's new husband Paul has forbidden contact" What the chuff has it got to do with Paul? You say that Susan doesn't want contact but is this only because her husband has forbidden it? How much is she swayed by her controlling husband? I think if Susan wants a relationship with Cal perhaps she might consider being the first to offer the olive branch? It sounds like her brother is making progress and recovery has been good. Hopefully she might realise her husband is being a knob to try and enforce rules and that going forward a relationship with her brother might be workable.

Backstreets · 21/07/2023 18:09

Is Cal always at his nan’s house when his dad is supposed to have him? If so good on her for fostering strong relationships with that side of the family. Looks like the dad is useless at it.

steff13 · 21/07/2023 18:21

If John is recovering addict then I assume that he's probably burned a lot of bridges. If he's genuinely committed to his recovery then I think he probably needs to understand that it's going to take time to repair those relationships and that they may never be repaired. I don't think that he should be keeping his son from his extended family because of the results of his own actions. His son is entitled to a relationship with his aunt.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2023 18:28

John is unwilling to let Susan have access to Cal unless they make amends between them.

This is blackmail ^^

But as an aside, how the hell does Cal manage to spend so much time with his aunt, when his dad is apparently supposed to be having his contact time?

5128gap · 21/07/2023 18:39

If John chooses to use his limited contact time to be elsewhere, while his son is being left to be cared for by other family members, I think its to be expected those family members will do what they think best. Its better surely for Cal to be spending time with a cousin who obviously cares enough to want to visit than waiting around for his dad to show up from wherever he is during their contact time.
I think you should say nothing. It's Cal that matters here and given John has his struggles, a wider extended family may prove to be supportive to the child.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 21/07/2023 18:40

Hmm he'll find out eventually when Cal can tell him.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2023 18:43

Despite what you say about it not being childcare John had very limited contact with Cal and choses not to spend that time with him.

If Susan visits her mum and Cal is there then so be it.

Toottooot · 21/07/2023 18:44

Hi Susan 🙋🏻‍♀️

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2023 18:45

TheWayoftheLeaf · 21/07/2023 18:40

Hmm he'll find out eventually when Cal can tell him.

Or if he spends his contact time with him.