Cousin sees her estranged brother's son behind his back

[BlueRaspberry7]

My cousins (in their late 20s) fell out to the point that they now don't have contact. The male cousin (let's call him John) was not invited to (let's call her) Susan's wedding. Susan's new husband Paul has forbidden contact. Paul and John do not get on.

John had some mental health and addiction problems in the past which were very difficult and affected family life. John is now in full recovery and working hard on self improvement and doing things right. Susan refuses to talk to him now or in future.

John has a 5 year old son (Cal) who doesnt live with him but he has him weekends, when the child generally stays at John and Susan's mums house (my aunt - sorry if this is confusing!)

John is unwilling to let Susan have access to Cal unless they make amends between them.

Susan regularly sees Cal behind John's back -facilitated by my aunt who asks the rest of us in the family to not tell John - so as to protect him.

YABU - Susan has a right to haves relationship with her nephew and John should be letting her have access. It's ok that auntie facilitates Susan to see Cal being John's back.

YANBU - Cal is John's child and if Susan is unwilling to see John, John has the right to prevent her seeing Cal. Auntie is wrong to facilitate Susan seeing Cal and should not be asking other family members to keep this secret from John, to protect him or otherwise.

John is being unreasonable. He is using his son as a bargaining chip.

it’s clear he’s caused a lot of hurt to his sister, so it’s hardly surprising she doesn’t want to see him.

By not letting his son see Susan, the main person missing out is his son. Shitty behaviour.

Yes this.

Your aunt is being completely inappropriate going behind her sons back. John has decided, rightly or wrongly, that there should be no contact with his sister. His mother needs to respect that.

Her husband has “forbidden contact” … where are we, Victoria Britain ?

I wouldn't be drawn into your Aunts dishonesty.

The rest of it isn't really your business. (OK I know they're your family, but it's their call to ignore each other if they want)

YABU if the mother is happy to facilitate the contact then that’s all really. It’s nothing to do with you.

If John doesn't want Cal to see people, maybe he should be with him then to manage this?

If John is leaving his son with Granny and Susan happens to call round to see her mum then its unreasonable to expect the 2 not to meet. Susan should be pleasant but mindful to child.
If Granny is ringing Susan as soon as John leaves, knowing full well he doesn't not want Susan to bond with son then she's in the wrong for being dishonest.
Granny should have said that she refuses to 'ban' anyone from the house and both Susan, John and his son are welcome. If John says Susan mustn't come round then Granny should say well I can't guarantee that so you'd better not come round.
Susan's husband is at liberty to not like John and not want him round his house but he shouldn't dictate his wife's relationship with her brother....
But most importantly, John's son should not be pulled into this mess and feel he needs to lie or keep secrets.
What does the little boys mum think? Could Susan build a relationship with the (presumably) ex SIL?

This was my first thought. It might have worked when he was younger but it's getting untenable as he grows and understands what's happening. It's not fair on the kid, who should be everyone's top priority

Your aunt is not the lovely woman who just wants the best for everyone that she’d like you to think she is. She’s trying to paint herself as an innocent piggy in the middle, but the long and short of it is, she’s decided her daughter’s feelings are more important than her son’s. There’s no way to dress that up. Susan refuses to speak to her brother, but still wants to see her nephew - so Mummy gives her what she wants.

I would have nothing to do with this situation. Your aunt is massively letting her son down at a time when he needs her most. Has Susan always been the golden child, I wonder? Are John’s substance abuse entirely unrelated?

@WomanStanleyWoman2 very perceptive

Yes Susan had always been the golden child and generally gets whatever they want.

And yes, John's substance problems are not entirely unrelated.

Thanks for the thoughts, the negative impact on Cal is a big concern. The idea of them telling him "not to mention this to daddy" is horrible.

I don't understand how John can be so against Susan seeing Cal, but all will be fine if she apologises/becomes friends with him again?

YANBU.

I don't know why you're being told by other posters to keep out of it, you want to keep out of it and are very much being trailed into it. For that reason alone your auntie especially is being unreasonable, it'll come out and she'll come out of it looking the worst and she's possibly jeopardising her relationship with her Grandson.

Yep. If he was spending time with his son on their contact time or wouldn't be an issue at all...?

Agree with all points made so far

I'd like to know more about Paul and what Susan has told him to forbid the contact

Because he's using his child to try to get his own way.

Which is probably why his mum won't play any part in it and ban her daughter from her house when Cal is there.