To ask if you’ve ever gone NC with a parent?

[Starsailorsmoon]

Recently gone NC with my dad. Dad got with OW when I was 13 and she was a lot younger than dad never wanted children and definitely didn’t want me and my sister around. The OW would tell our dad that he could only have us outside the house (wouldn’t let us in their shared house) so we always had to meet him at Cafe’s and garden centres.

My dad also agreed to this as he didn’t want to upset her- It was awful meeting up for an hour on a park bench somewhere. It was especially painful as me and my dad used to do a hobby together weekly as this was also stopped. After about 10 years of seeing him in cafe’s and our uni houses, his partner (OW) finally agreed to let us in their house and my sister did but I couldn’t as just felt it was a little too late. My sister sees her and I met her once but she didn’t really engaged or tried to speak to me so I never tried again. For example if you asked her “how are you?” She would say fine and shut down the conversation- not ask you in return.

my relationship with my dad has gradually reduced and we see each other around twice a month if he comes for a coffee at my house. He’s always negative, never anything nice to say really, cannot be relied upon and would continually put pressure on me to have a baby despite knowing I’m 40 and infertile (tubes blocked). He would say things like “oh it’s never too late, you need to try harder to find a cure” or “you shouldn’t give up that easy” despite knowing that if exhausted all options and cannot financially afford anymore IVF.

My dad is now getting married next year to his partner and has asked that I go, and that I apologise to her for not seeing her or engaging with her (yuck) and build bridges. I’m not prepared to do this and he wasn’t happy so we are now NC.

but I’m just wondering does it ever get easier? Our relationship wasn’t great but I still feel a sense of loss and my sister keeps harping on about if he was to die tomorrow I’d regret it forever- but he genuinely makes me feel awful about myself so he can’t stay in my life I don’t think.

does anyone have any experiences or offer any words of advice?

I am not NC but I do go for years at a time without seeing my DM and the low contact (LC) way is less dramatic and more manageable imo. It feels less blunt and less all-or-nothing, like we're keeping the door open. Twice a month is an awful lot of time to spend with a dad you don't much like, maybe some space would be more helpful than a nuclear "im never seeing you again" approach.

That said my circumstances are different to yours. I wouldn't dream of going NC or LC just because I didn't like my parent's spouse, especially when it sounds like you don't even understand each other's perspective. I think you should try and discuss it on neutral territory. From what you've written, it sounds like you wanted to be warm and welcoming to her but she completely froze you out. And yet your dad thinks that you rejected her. How could the wires have got so completely crossed? And how is it that your sister has been able to have a good relationship with them and you haven't?

It's utterly bizarre to me to think he wants you to apologise for there not being a relationship with your SM when you wanted one and she didn't.

I did. They did die and whilst I had no closure on the past, I never was going to. I cried once about it, not because they had died but deep grief for what we never had - a normal, loving relationship. I wished (and still do) for the relationship with my parents I see so many have, knowing they’re a safe haven no matter how hard life gets. Instead I had worries and anxiety that live with me to this day about healthy boundaries and self image.

I’m NC with my surviving parent who was a narcissistic nightmare who constantly put me down, trashtalked me and had no time for my DH or my children either.

It’s been 5 years now and honestly it’s been a blessed relief. She added nothing good to my life and made me feel second best and wanting at all times. She’s in her 90’s now and I occasionally Google to see if she’s dead yet. I wouldn’t go to her funeral if I were notified of it before it happens nor want any part in winding up her estate or anything from it. Nor would I ever countenance a reconciliation.

Yes with my father from when I was 13. He died when I was 26 and I didn't really care to be honest

Yes, for many years of my teens and then my dad died in my early 20s. I think I more grieved the relationship I wish we had (but never would have) because really I didn’t know him as a person. And to be honest it took me many years to admit I felt relief that the constant worrying he would turn up/ demand to be back in my life was now gone and I could process what happened, what our relationship was and why and move on with my life.

My now late F. My lovely DM died,6 weeks (yup you read that correctly) he rang me to say he had a girlfriend, she was 60him 62. I was very upset. My now, obviously ex,H tried to kill me. I rang my F who lived 12 miles and 15 minutes away. My son was 5,to ask if he could collect me DS from school (I had to go to the hospital and have blood tests,H had been poisoning me. He refused, saying surely me son had a key, and could get himself home.!! Then he added,"I intend to marry P' I hope you're not going to get divorced and cause a scandal,I don't want her upset". I was VERY upset. Only child,cared for my DM and him while she was in hospital, hospice. I said perhaps he would rather have been getting time to attend my funeral. First time in my life I slammed the phone down on him. After that we saw him once a year, when he threw a cheque my way at Christmas. He did marry P, he wouldn't store any of my stuff when the house was re possessed, after ugly divorce, although he had plenty of room,plus a huge garage. He didn't attend my second marriage. My DH helped them move house,he drove the removal van.... didn't even get offered a drink. Guess who looked after him when he was dying (I was nursing at the time) after P died,he re married,I didn't get invited to the wedding. DH and his mother and family....14 years,a whole long story.

Yep 11 years now, no regrets at all! It does get easier ime, I grieved for the mother I wished I had, felt ashamed to start with and worried that people would think I was a bad person. My biggest concern was that I would lose my brothers too as they are both still in contact with her (well as much as she can be bothered with which is not a lot). One of them now lives with my mum so we are very minimal contact, text at Xmas etc, but we weren't particularly close before. The other we are closer than ever, I am a substitute gran to my nieces (my dm isn't interested except for random gushy Facebook posts). So now I just feel indifferent about her, and its fantastic, honestly no regrets whatsoever- good luck OP

I was NC with my df from when I was 16 to when I was 30 and he died. But he was a vile man and life was / is infinitely better without him.

I didn't find it hard, it was a huge relief not to have any contact with him, and I have never regretted it.

The difference is that I just wanted rid of mine, whereas you still love yours, you are hurt and you want him to behave differently. In which case no, I don't think it will get easier. He still has the power to hurt you. Sorry.

Sorry you had such a bad father who didn't put you first :(

We are NC with my father in law....DH finds it hard sometimes that it has to be that way...that him and our kids don't have the father and grandad they should have had.But ultimately he has never had the bond he should have with his parents, so it doesn't hurt too much.

Some people don't get it, usually privelidged people with stable loving functional families....but sometimes it doesn't matter what someone's title is, they shouldn't automatically have a right to remain in their relatives lives if they treat them like shit.

Yes. Been NC with my dad since I was 12.

He was an unfit parent to put it bluntly. He was neglectful even when my parents were married.

He left my mum for OW and had 2 children with her, then went on to father 2 more children with 2 other women. None of whom he ever paid maintenance for.

He took drugs and was in and out of prison for various things including selling drugs, credit card fraud, burglary, etc.

I never felt close to him anyway so I don't miss him, he was clearly uninterested in being a parent and when I decided to go NC at 12 years old he accepted it and didn't challenge it. Never seen him since and I'm 33.

I'm nc with both of my parents after a life time of abuse. Easily the easiest thing I have done. However, I am Sad that I don't have any parental relationship and sad for my kids. I'm not sad I don't have the parents I was given In my life, I'm sad that I dont have loving non abusive parents in my life (if that makes sense)

I'm NC with my dad but I tried and exhausted every Avenue to mend our relationship and it was ultimately him that wouldnt engage.

We did txt on birthdays and Xmas for a couple of years but that was a painful reminder of the relationship we had to what we have now and so I stopped it one birthday and I've never heard from him since.

I'm 6 years in now and it's been tough, still get upset if I explain the situation to people (we were super close!).

If you can go low contact I think that's the way to go unless you really can't bear it.

I know when he does eventually pass away, I have tried everything possible to mend us and it just didn't work. I sleep better knowing that!

It's gets easier. I've been NC with my parents for a decade - proper no contact - they don't know where I live, didn't come to my wedding and have never met my kids etc.

There have been times I have missed having 'parents' obviously, especially when my children were born, but I have come to accept that I miss the concept of parents, rather than my own actual parents. It can be hard and I do wish I had some more support in my life, even though I'm a grown up!

But it gets easier, I really don't think about them now and to be honest, once I accepted that it was forever I started to move on. That took a good couple of years though and it was quite a tough time.

My advice - be very clear with yourself about what your boundaries are. I have missed family funerals and things because I will not see my parents, and those decisions have been really hard, but I know I have to do what's right for me. I won't entertain any contact at all, some people still send cards and all that, but that isn't for me. You need to figure out where you want to draw your lines.

On the plus side, every good thing that has ever happened to me, has happened after I went NC. My mental health and even my physical health is so much better. I am more myself than I ever could be with them in my life.

I did with my father and he died never having met his first grandchild because of it. It was difficult when he died (relatively sudden) but i don't regret it and wouldn't do anything differently if i had the time again.

It was my father for me - zero regrets nasty bitter abusive man child

It was an easy choice and I've never regretted it

Yes, my father. He was (is!) a vile man, abusive in nearly every way a man can be abusive but pathetic and deluded to boot. Annoyingly a lot of other people are taken in by his ‘charming’ act, as is often the case with this sort of man. I stopped seeing him when I was 14, the final straw was when, while protecting my older sister, he pinned me to a wall and spat, repeatedly, in my face. A 14 year old girl. It wasn’t ‘just’ the violence though, it was all the emotional shit too, and it was so unhealthy.
I am now 30, nearly, and there’s no part of me that has ever regretted my decision. I no longer feel any anger towards him, he’s still a piece of shit, but he’s not worth anything, and I won’t give him a single second more of my time or headspace. It’s nice actually. I have a lovely life, with a good, kind husband and the sweetest son, who will never have to know that vile man.
Family means nothing if they are toxic and bring upset to your life.

Very similar situation here. We are now down to birthday cards and I last saw him two years ago, and honestly I feel liberated. But in my case there was also bullying behaviour towards me, threats of violence to my DH and refusal to acknowledge my children, which made the choice more clear cut for me. Time has helped and I honestly now only feel upset when I see his writing on a card. Whereas I used to feel upset every week by his behaviour. I think I took a while to grieve the father I wish I could've had and that I remember from my early childhood but I've now got to acceptance and my life is much happier and infinitely more peaceful. There's no easy answer, I feel for you.

Your father has treated you appallingly and asking you to apologise, wtf?!? I was nc with my df for years before he died, no regrets.

I can really relate to the grieving part, for me it got easier and when he died I think I’d already grieved.

Not me but my partner has no contact with his mother
apparently she was abusive when he was a child. She didn’t want to know him pretty much as soon as he left home as a teenager (18/19). So he just never spoke to her again

he feels his sanity / mental health is his priority and he is right

also my dad, my dad physically abused me as a teen, he wasn’t a very nice man I think he also was violent to my mum. Being young I don’t think I really understood what he’d done, we kept in touch but as I got older and had children of my own and he’d not bother with them but laud attention over My cousins kids and text my ex about ‘what a good job he was doing with MY sons’ etc I did come to realise what a horrible person he is.

He acts nice as pie to others, but is a nasty slimy man. Tight with money and sneaky. His sister and parents took his side when I was young, my mother was all the names etc so the aunt was also blocked. He also gave a load of my granddads medals to my cousin he will favour those who flock to him because they don’t see what a nasty horrible man he is. I am well rid of him my kids don’t know or remember him at all, perhaps my eldest does, but others don’t and he’s never tried or made an effort with them, he’s met my sisters kids once, except for the youngest. Makes me sad I don’t have a dad but we are all better off without such a person in our lives. Sorry you’re going through it op but your life will be better without the hurt and upset he causes and he doesn’t sound overly bothered. He didn’t fight for you and your sister he is not worthy.

I was no contact with my mother and step father for about 10 years (my biological father died many years ago).

This was after she accused my husband of being a paedophile - after a long campaign of abusive behaviour directed mainly at me - that was the final straw. DH worked with children at the time.

My sister who lives on the other side of the world persuaded me to get back in touch when my stepfather was deteriorating mentally and physically.

I do regret it. She was so awful to me at one point last year I considered suicide.

I believe she has BPD and was herself abused as a child, so in a way she can’t help it.

Of course I missed her during the 10 years and felt awful that my kids missed her too. I think you have to regard it as an act of self preservation rather than punishment for the other person.

Yep. This is a period of grieving for you. Grieving for the Dad you should have had. Saying goodbye to the relationship you should have had if he wasn't so weak.

He has clearly made his choice. Take it on board. Process it. Cry- feel sad- then, when you are ready, let the relationship go.

Your Sister has no right to pressure you over this. Honestly, it's a weight lifted. It will take a while- but be honest with yourself; he will not change and be the Father you would love to have.

I'm so sorry for you. I had low contact with my mum for many years before she died. I went to her funeral but mainly for my dads sake. You have to do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself x

My dad left when I was 4 and despite living in the same token as my until I was an adult he never bothered to get back in touch so when he died when I was in my 30s I didn't even think much about it.

My mum is 100% negative all the time. She's even had complaints at work so it's not just me. I went nc over a year ago and it's been on my mind a lot. I wrote down all the reasons why and sent it over and got no response. This has made me realise I am not going back, I'm done and it's gone from feeling rotten to freeing.