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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing my child’s birthday for new job

71 replies

PrettyPleaseXo · 21/07/2023 11:17

I feel absolutely dreadful.
I’m a single mum and start a new job next month after waiting months and months so it can’t be put off. The day after I start is my daughters 5th birthday and I’m working 9-5 meaning I leave the house at 7am and don’t get back till 6pm.
how would you work this in terms of celebrating? presents? Cake? Etc. my mum is looking after her for me and my eldest as it’s school holidays obviously.
the plan was to take her to butlins with her brother for the day so I’m going to do that at the weekend instead I just feel awful that her actual birthday is going to be shit basically
please be nice I feel awful

OP posts:

ChuckMater · 21/07/2023 12:05

Choose a day your not working, either weekend before or day before if you can and celebrate then. Then on her actual bday do a treat for tea and save a present to give her. She won't mind, my eldest was at school on his bday this year and we celebrated at the weekend then let him choose tea for his actual bday and let him open presents from us before school. He'd opened gifts from other people over the weekend to stretch out the celebration.

Caterina99 · 21/07/2023 12:06

Mine have often been at school and us at work for their birthdays. Although my eldest had a school trip on his last birthday so that was exciting for him.

Birthday gifts from you in morning. I usually leave them out overnight so they come down to them. Not tons though. Save stuff for later. Hopefully your mum will do something nice during the day. Birthday tea with cake once you get home.

Fun stuff at the weekend. That’s pretty much what we do as standard.

cuckyplunt · 21/07/2023 12:07

Every birthday my children had until they were 6yo was at the weekend. She won’t know it’s her birthday if you don’t tell her that it is.

UsingChangeofName · 21/07/2023 12:07

Like all working parents, you work out what works best for you.

My dc used to love having more than one birthday celebration. At that sort of age they would open cards / present from us before school / work....... usually stick some candles in a cake and sing Happy Birthday at evening meal...... have local grandparents / Aunts / Uncles round for a birthday tea one weekend ....... do the 'school friends party' another weekend = them enjoying celebrating lots of times.
None of us have any qualms about celebrating when people and time are available rather than on a specific day.

WeWereInParis · 21/07/2023 12:14

Honestly this wouldn't bother me at all. Presents, her favourite dinner, and cake when you get home, fun day out at the weekend.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/07/2023 12:16

Be matter of fact - this is your actual birthday, so you will have special breakfast, tea, etc etc. Then at the weekend we will have the real celebration when we dont have to work, do school, or etc etc. Useful life lesson.

LuvSmallDogs · 21/07/2023 12:17

When DH or I have had to work a birthday, we blow up a load of balloons in the lounge and all have birthday cake for breakfast with the bday boy unwrapping his main bday present as well so the worker parent gets to see it.

BellaJuno · 21/07/2023 12:22

calmcoco · 21/07/2023 11:34

This is completely normal, you give presents very early, you have a big cake for tea nd you do a birthday treat at the weekend.

Congrats on the new job and enjoy the birthday treats.

100% this!

I’d slip her an extra few pounds to spend as a treat from you on the day (ice cream or similar) but otherwise, don’t fret! Sounds like she’ll still be with people who love her - she’s lucky to get a birthday in the holiday rather than being at school!

Quveas · 21/07/2023 12:23

You are looking after your children and taking financial responsibility - you are earning to pay for the lovely things as well as the essentials. So don't feel shit - be proud of the example that you are setting your daughter. There will always be times when work clashes with other things, but that doesn't mean that you can't make the day a little special, and have the bigger celebration on another day. Cake can always fit into the day!

1037370E · 21/07/2023 13:02

Personally I wouldn't go down the route of pretending her birthday is on a different day - mine definitely knew his birthdate at that age. This is a common occurrence for working parents. I decorated the living room with banners, balloons once mine was in bed, woke him up a little early to open his presents, took cake/treats into school to celebrate with his classmates, special dinner/cake after school, then a proper celebration at the weekend.

CelestialTwins · 23/07/2023 07:27

My son's 4 birthday, I was giving birth to his sister and was in the hospital all day 🙈 Daddy couldn't go home either cos there were COVID rules and if he left the hospital, he wasn't allowed back in. So we were there from around 6am to 6pm. I felt awful for Mr 4. He had a great time with grandparents though, playing with his new toys. Then we were home at tea time with his best present ever (in my opinion 😆) we just celebrated on a different day, took him to the fun fair. It's ok if you're not there all day, you can still do something special another day.

Sarah180818 · 23/07/2023 07:32

Our DSs are 3 and 6. They always have their birthday at the weekend. We just lie and tell them it's on a Saturday or Sunday. She's 5. She's not going to question it and she'll still feel the same excitement and have the best day

OhHelloTheres · 23/07/2023 07:38

In general growing up, we'd have birthday cake for breakfast, open a couple of presents, and then celebrate properly on the weekend. It was nice to spread it out a bit, extend the celebrations! Mum guilt is hard, but this really isn't something to feel guilty about :)

MrsK89 · 23/07/2023 07:46

Ahh don't be too hard on yourself.
Blow some balloons night before and have a cake ready for when you get back. Either ask your mum to get one with your daughter or get one night before. It'll be fine. Have a day out on the weekend

VisionsOfSplendour · 23/07/2023 07:59

Unless both parents take the day off work for all term time weekday birthdays it's perfectly normal to be at work. If your child is old enough to know the day of their birthday they're old enough to understand that any celebrations will be at the next available day and you'll do what you can on the day

I think it's a good life lesson

Ibizamumof4 · 23/07/2023 08:01

Pretty standard just celebrate when you get home. Always have party etc the weekend closest to the birthday

LikeAnOldFriend · 23/07/2023 08:06

One year I had to work on Christmas day starting at 7am and the kids were so excited anyway they had zero complaints about getting up 5am to open presents and have some time before I left!

If you got up early for a some time before you left and had a birthday tea when you got in before bed and kept all the major stuff for the weekend I'm sure she would be absolutely fine - plus your mum and her sister can make it a fun day while you're out too?

Don't feel bad, I think it's totally normal to have to do this, and having the big day planned at the weekend gives her something extra to look forward to

AnSolas · 23/07/2023 08:09

PrettyPleaseXo · 21/07/2023 11:21

I was thinking of doing this but didn’t know if it made me an awful person! Haha

Show quote history

If You do birthdays with a small cake or whatever on the day and swap any party or special event to the weekend (as most working parents do and want as playdates) that becomes your family tradition and your child will think its normal.

Changinglegs · 23/07/2023 08:10

Don’t pretend. It is normal for a parent to work on a birthday. Just means extra celebration at the weekend.

LikeAnOldFriend · 23/07/2023 08:10

LikeAnOldFriend · 23/07/2023 08:06

One year I had to work on Christmas day starting at 7am and the kids were so excited anyway they had zero complaints about getting up 5am to open presents and have some time before I left!

Don't feel bad, I think it's totally normal to have to do this, and having the big day planned at the weekend gives her something extra to look forward to

Sorry I meant her brother.

Also just thinking, this year my oldest will be 6 and will be at school on her birthday for the first time so it will be same, birthday tea on the day and anything else at the weekend. I think it will be much easier than you think. Good luck in your new job!

itsgettingweird · 23/07/2023 08:25

I'd give her a simple present in the morning. Perhaps a game she and her norther and your mum can play during the day. Or tickets to local seaside or book or something.

Then do a cake and presents in the evening when you get back. She's 5. She'll remember the cake and mum being present the most.

But most of all she'll remember a life where her mum worked hard to provide her with everything she needs and that'll mean more to her 8n the long run than 1 day.

araresight · 23/07/2023 08:25

In our family we have always celebrated birthdays at the weekend. On the day itself there would be cards and a few prezzies but it was always 'we'll celebrate properly at the weekend' so I don't think it's a problem at all. :)

MercedesD · 23/07/2023 09:36

I would Lie and tell the child
Their birthday is another day 🤣. At five they have very little Concept of that. And then you can make their “birthday” super
Special on the day you’ve planned for butlins

poorlyarm · 23/07/2023 09:38

Although I wouldn't want to miss the whole day i think this is quite normal. What if it had been a school day?

Just say you have to work but do something lovely in the evening and at the weekend.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/07/2023 11:28

Look, don't feel bad. Getting a job and providing for your family makes you a good parent. And making a good impression is very important for the future.

My job has meant I've missed countless things - Christmases as well as birthdays. And my dc are ok.

I would get up early to do presents and generally make a fuss - we always blow up balloons in the living room and hang up a banner. Then she can have a lovely day with her grandma. Then you do the official celebration at Butlins at the weekend.

At five, most dc are at school on their birthday and are away from parents with celebrations at the nearest weekend, anyway.

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