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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being oversensitive / a precious parent about my mum’s comments?

31 replies

MamitaWorries · 21/07/2023 10:28

My mum is one of those people where any comment that is slightly critical results in declarations of her being the worst mum ever, ignorant, doesn’t know a thing, and so on. So it makes it hard for me to know whether I was unreasonable in whatever I said as she immediately gets defensive.

I have a 2 year old. We have been staying at my mum’s for the past few months whilst we’re having works done, so I also don’t want to seem ungrateful of all she’s done for us.

However, whenever DS doesn’t want her or he pushes away her away, she responds with “I’m not your nana anymore”, “don’t come to me anymore”, “don’t call me nana”, and so on.

I raised it a few weeks ago as she was more serious in the way she did it - when DS would come up to her she would then push him away saying I’m not your nana. So she’s stopped being so extreme, but she still says the same words to him.

I raised it again today, and she said she’s only joking. I told her I know that but he doesn’t get that and it teaches him the wrong thing. Her reaction was to walk off saying she doesn’t know a thing.

The reason why I’m so sensitive about her comments is that I have memories of my childhood of pleading with her and saying sorry whenever I did something, and her ignoring me. And personally, I don’t think that’s the right way to treat a child.

She also regularly gives the silent / moody treatment whenever someone legitimately upsets her, which I think is a toxic trait and it’s something I find myself doing with DH sometimes. I try to make a conscious effort to not do that and communicate instead, but I know it’s a trait I’ve learned from my mum.

I guess my concern is am I being too precious and an armchair psychologist by linking my mum’s words to wider issues, or does it really matter and it makes no difference to a two year old!

OP posts:

Peddlefaster · 21/07/2023 10:30

You are not being precious and you are right in your assessment but you are staying with her so there is really not much you can do.

My mum did this, now the kids don’t have a huge amount of time for her. It’s sad because she actually did lots for them but it was always accompanied by psychological warefare

DustyLee123 · 21/07/2023 10:31

No you’re not being precious. Get out ASAP

londonloves · 21/07/2023 10:33

My mother is like this and honestly I wish I hadn't let her spend so much time with my child and for him to get so close to her. I know you're stuck living there (and I'm sure you're regularly reminded of how grateful you should be...) but honestly I'd try and create some distance as soon as you can. She won't change and it's toxic as fuck.

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2023 10:35

You’re not being precious, it’s an awful way to treat a child, especially one so young, who doesn’t understand what she’s doing is meant to be sarcastic.

PerspiringElizabeth · 21/07/2023 10:36

Wow she sounds toxic to say the least

graygoose · 21/07/2023 10:37

YANBU, that's dreadful. Being unsure of where you stand with a primary carer (I know she's not really but you are living with her atm so DS is spending a lot of time with her) and getting mixed messages of affection and rejection from them can cause real issues later on in life. I say this as someone who had to deal with mood swings and tantrums from my own DM andit wasn't even as bad as what you described.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 21/07/2023 10:38

Take her at her word. Start using her first name. No dm. No dgm. And get thyself back home ASAP.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 21/07/2023 10:39

You're not being precious. She's being awful to your 2 year old, he won't know it's a "joke" (and I suspect it's not actually a joke at all) and just think Nana doesn't want him

Serenity45 · 21/07/2023 10:41

YANBU he's 2! Yet she's making it all about her. She sounds selfish and just...mean. Agree with PPs that you need to create some distance when you can (appreciate this is difficult at the moment).

FIL is still like this to an extent (DH is mid 40s!!!) and apparently always has been. Any perceived slight / criticism (usually a perfectly reasonable conversation, in reality) results in dramatics, flouncing off "Ooooh I've ruined things again" etc etc. He's never going to change and MIL enables him, so even though they live 10 minutes away, we see them as little as possible (managed only twice last year and it's been once so far this year).

Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 10:56

You aren't being precious. Yes she's only joking but that's still emotional blackmail

Tell her to stop

HettyMeg · 21/07/2023 12:55

YANBU. Giving children the silent treatment and getting offended at things they do or say suggests real emotional immaturity. My mum is similar if I push back on comments she makes, she is very very touchy and will not accept she has done anything wrong. I spent a lot of time in my childhood walking on eggshells in case I upset her. No real suggestions for you as i think it is unlikely she will change her behaviour and it really depends on what sort of relationship you have and whether you want to raise it with her (again!) or let it lie. Hopefully you can get back home soon.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/07/2023 13:18

Definitely NBU.

I'm so sorry - and really sorry to read this in your OP:

I have memories of my childhood of pleading with her and saying sorry whenever I did something, and her ignoring me. And personally, I don’t think that’s the right way to treat a child.

I had similar with my mother & it affected me hugely. While a good, loving mother in other ways, she really made me beg for affection / attention, with a really detrimental effect on my self-esteem.

Do you feel able to call out her behaviour?

If you could it might be enough to stop these comments.

Otherwise, yes, move out soon & keep a distance from her.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 21/07/2023 13:25

Given what you said about your childhood I wouldn't be convinced she's joking. Joking or not this isn't an acceptable way to treat a child. Nor is how she treated you as a child. It's a really messed up thing to do to your child or grandchild.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 21/07/2023 13:28

Stonewalling is really toxic. Doing it to a child teaches them to feel anxious, guilty, scared and worthless. It's an absolutely horrible for of abuse. Print off an explanation of gaslighting and stonewalling. It's not acceptable and your DM needs help. Don't allow your child to be abused.

Redlocks30 · 21/07/2023 13:32

She sounds like a really toxic person, but you have chosen to live with her for months so are presumably happy living at her expense for weeks on end which rather complicates things.

You can ask her not to be the way she is, but that is the way she is and you knew that before deciding to move back in with her, so don’t be surprised if she reacts in a toxic way!

cheddercherry · 21/07/2023 13:34

If you’ve been affected by her then he will be affected by her. Simple as. It’s not a joke because he doesn’t find it funny and neither do you, she knows exactly what she’s doing and the fact she does similar to you as an adult shows she knows full well what her behaviour gets (probably sympathy, attention, avoidance of any blame in situations caused by her). I hope you can get out and get some space asap with your reno!

MrsKwazi · 21/07/2023 13:36

My mother is like this/did this. She would cut you off one day and be your best friend the next. I think it’s emotionally abusive behaviour. She tried it once with my eldest when he was a toddler and I told her if she ever did it again she would never ever see me or my children again. She also knows I mean it, so it has stopped.

MavisMcMinty · 21/07/2023 13:36

YANBU, and you’re in such a difficult position as you have to live with her for the time being. How long before you can move out?

I would HAVE to pick her up on the ”declarations of her being the worst mum ever, ignorant, doesn’t know a thing, and so on” because passive aggression like this makes me furious. And what she’s doing to your toddler is just horrible, no excuses, it’s not a “joke”.

How damaging she sounds, I do hope you can go back to your own home again soon. x

pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2023 13:37

This is horrible. Move up your timeline for leaving if you can. And tell your DS that Nana is getting forgetful and doesn’t always remember things. When she says “I’m not your Nana” just laugh and say “Oh mom! You are so forgetful! Don’t you remember dgc?” Make her own her manipulative and cruel behavior.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 21/07/2023 13:39

YANBU . How long until you can move out?

Replacethelightbulb · 21/07/2023 13:41

Ah that's really tough OP and I wonder if it's something that happened to her as a child too? So it's a pattern of learned behaviour?

It's very hard to talk to people who are insecure or defensive as the minute they spot incoming criticism, they throw up the defences. I've had to deal with family members like this before and if their heart and intentions are good, contrary to standard MN advice which is just to cut and run, sometimes you can get through to people.

I've always started these conversations with a 'you're such a good grandma/Aunty (etc) and it's so lovely to see the relationship between you. I know it's hard when he pushes you away as I guess it must feel like rejection, but I'm pretty sure he loves you to bits. I wouldn't ever want him to feel rejected by you...etc etc'.

I think if you emphasise the love (assuming there is actual love between you all) you might have a better chance of your point being heard. I hope you're able to sort this out. 😊

WelcomingGnome · 21/07/2023 13:43

You're not being precious. My mum does the silent treatment too and it was very distressing as a child. I limit her relationship with my DD to protect DD from that.

Treacletoots · 21/07/2023 13:45

Step out of the FOG OP. (Fear obligation guilt) cycle and see your mother for what she is.

She's utterly intolerant of anyone who doesn't do exactly what she wants and devoid of emotional intelligent or empathy. (Some may say narcissist, sociopath, psychopath)

I had a mother like this, fortunately I haven't spoken to her for the past 15 years and there's no way in he'll she'll ever get to meet my DC.

Sorry if I sound so harsh. It's taken me a long time to recognise and accept the reality but now I'm free of her, my life is fucking blissful. Get out of the house. Live in the building site if you have to. It's better than this.

Tourmalines · 21/07/2023 13:46

That is so very hurtful of her to say that . Very immature and abusive . Hope she soon realises her errors .

MavisMcMinty · 21/07/2023 13:47

It’s a bit like punishing a dog hours after it’s forgotten the crime it committed - confusing and hurtful. Your toddler probably doesn’t remember “shunning” grandma, and doesn’t yet have the empathy to associate his feelings with anyone else’s feelings.

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