Am I being oversensitive / a precious parent about my mum’s comments?

[MamitaWorries]

My mum is one of those people where any comment that is slightly critical results in declarations of her being the worst mum ever, ignorant, doesn’t know a thing, and so on. So it makes it hard for me to know whether I was unreasonable in whatever I said as she immediately gets defensive.

I have a 2 year old. We have been staying at my mum’s for the past few months whilst we’re having works done, so I also don’t want to seem ungrateful of all she’s done for us.

However, whenever DS doesn’t want her or he pushes away her away, she responds with “I’m not your nana anymore”, “don’t come to me anymore”, “don’t call me nana”, and so on.

I raised it a few weeks ago as she was more serious in the way she did it - when DS would come up to her she would then push him away saying I’m not your nana. So she’s stopped being so extreme, but she still says the same words to him.

I raised it again today, and she said she’s only joking. I told her I know that but he doesn’t get that and it teaches him the wrong thing. Her reaction was to walk off saying she doesn’t know a thing.

The reason why I’m so sensitive about her comments is that I have memories of my childhood of pleading with her and saying sorry whenever I did something, and her ignoring me. And personally, I don’t think that’s the right way to treat a child.

She also regularly gives the silent / moody treatment whenever someone legitimately upsets her, which I think is a toxic trait and it’s something I find myself doing with DH sometimes. I try to make a conscious effort to not do that and communicate instead, but I know it’s a trait I’ve learned from my mum.

I guess my concern is am I being too precious and an armchair psychologist by linking my mum’s words to wider issues, or does it really matter and it makes no difference to a two year old!

My FIL once said to my eldest son “grandad won’t love you if you keep on crying” and I was over there at the speed of Linford Christie “of course grandad will love you if you cry! You’re allowed to have any emotion in this house” while giving him the hardest stare I’ve ever given in my life.
My DH is so affected by this behaviour and it has taken years of kindness on my part to show him that even if he’s cross or sad or whatever, that I still love him and it’s fine to feel how he feels. We’ve been together 25 years and even now I’ve only seen him cry twice (once when our first child was born and also while watching Pay it Forward), the poor, repressed soul.
Never make a child feel that love from a parent or grandparent is conditional on certain behaviour.

Obviously you are not being unreasonable.

But you should not be staying with her, and you should not be letting her spend time with your son without you being there to control her shenanigans. She is who she is and she is never going to change, but as a parent you are responsible for protecting your child from her.

I'm actually shocked she says that to him.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say it isn't a normal thing to do and must be very confusing and hurtful for him. I think her saying to a 2 year old she isn't his nana anymore is on a very different level to you huffing with your husband for a bit when he has annoyed you. She comes across as scary in your OP.

That’s absolutely nasty and very manipulative. You are definitely not being precious to challenge her behaviour.

realistically how quickly can you move back? Even if not ideal I’d far rather camp out and make do in a semi finished house than have that behaviour. Can you afford long term airbnb?

Thank you for the input everyone, it’s reassuring and what I needed to hear.

My mum isn’t a bad person. She’s very loving and caring, but she’s very much a product of her upbringing and life. She wasn’t treated that well by her parents (a lot of rejection) and very much seen as the ugly duckling amongst six siblings. She then married my dad who stopped showing her any affection early on and she’s also had A LOT of trauma in her adult life.

So I’m very forgiving of her traits because I know she’s been through a lot and is therefore very insecure and desperate for attention and emotional connections. As PPs explained, it’s emotional immaturity as a result of her childhood.

But at the same time I know her traits are very toxic and it took me meeting DH and getting to know my in laws that I realised that, hence why I’m now much more conscious of it. And whilst I can handle her, I do keep an eye on her behaviour with DS.

She is amazing with DS, but it’s the emotional manipulation that I am conscious of. And as her reaction to anything that verges on criticism is to get upset / offended, I’m not always sure whether what I raised was actually worth raising, if that makes sense.

This thread reassured me that I’m doing the right things.

And we’re here for 6 more weeks!

This. Funny what people will happily choose to put up with when they’re getting some financial benefit out of it.