To think ‘children are resilient’ is a bit of a get out clause?

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I’m considering leaving my DH but I am very worried about the impact on my currently very settled children.
I have a 15 year old and a 9 year old and both are doing well in terms of their mental health, academics and generally well-being.
Im not suggesting divorce or family breakdown has to be a disaster but surely the children are always affected?
They aren’t witnessing any conflict or domestic abuse… but I am very unhappy and currently making myself sleep with DH when I don’t want to in order to keep the family together.

Financially we would be ok, probably fewer holidays than now but not on the bread line. I’d keep them at their current schools.
everyone says how resilient children are but my own adult friends who have divorced parents tell me that’s not exactly true.

AIBU to think it’s a gamble and they could be hugely destabilised?

They will be affected.
You matter too.
Your happiness affects your children, perhaps more than you realise.

How would you feel about waiting until the 15 year old has done GCSEs? It would still be before the 9 year old transitions to secondary school, wouldnt it? They could move on to a new sixth form and secondary school in year 7 and 12 then, if you plan your move carefully

Sometimes they’re more affected by the parents staying together and being unhappy. I know that didn’t make me feel massively secure or happy as a child.

Yes sometimes it is. Some kids aren't resilient, they are sensitive and cannot always deal with things they have to go through.

currently making myself sleep with DH when I don’t want to

This jumped out at me. Why???

Yes, I think children are usually quite resilient. But, perhaps more importantly, they do better in a calm and relaxed environment than in a stressed and unhappy environment. I think parents often believe they can hide their unhappiness from their children. I’m not sure they really can.

This OP - perfect response.

Please stop having sex if you don't want to. It's soul-destroying, of course you want to leave, and you should.

I don't think divorce per se has to be damaging, its the way in which its done. It will be hard on them but sometimes life is hard, if you acknowledge their feelings and support them, they will get through it.

My parents divorced, which was a good thing actually, but they handled it badly. That's the part that made it hard.

I think it depends on how "good" the split would be. Do you think that you and your DH would be able to be nice to each other and co parent the children well? The people I know whose parents have divorced have come out of it well / less well depending on their parents' behaviour and attitude to each other after the split.

In response to your specific question, I think adaptable is a more accurate word than resilient. Children usually adapt to change more quickly and easily than adults. But they're not resilient in that they are affected by a shit situation (whether their parents stay together or not).

My parents divorced when I was ten. That bit was tricky but manageable. What made it ten times worse is them using me as a messenger and the sheer bitterness and anger at each other that neither of them could hide. It made me feel guilty about being with both of them and I never felt like I could make them happy. If you and DH can be civil and fair to each other, then it is not the worst thing that can happen to a child.

Everything has an effect on children.

I grew up in an unhappy household with my mother only staying with my father (who had a tendency to drunken aggression from time to time) until I was at uni. It was totally obvious they hated each other and it was an awful atmosphere to grow up in.

I am amicably divorced. My ex and I get on pretty well now, although we are very different people. I don’t think my children are too badly affected as, luckily, there was enough money to ensure their previous lives continue unchanged (although split between two houses instead of one.

Unless you are the World’s greatest actor and can, until your dying breath, pretend to your children that they grew up in a happy household, splitting for both your and their sakes is a million times better.

Just wanted to add that being resilient doesn't mean you're never affected by anything. It's the ability to deal with it and get back to a good place. Resilience takes time sometimes (not always but it can). Your kids will be affected for sure, it would be daft to think they won't be. Their entire lives will be changing, but that doesn't mean that any emotional response to that upheaval is a negative thing. It's completely normal, even for adults, to be affected by change.

But just because they might not cope the way you want them to doesn't mean that leaving a relationship you're not happy in is a bad idea. Staying in a loveless marriage could ultimately damage them more

Please don’t stay until your children are older and then leave, my friend’s parents did this and she was devastated to think she had caused them to stay together when they weren’t happy and it has diminished all her memories of her teen years, knowing her parents had hidden their true feelings - the guilt was and is enormous.

Your job is not to protect your kids from every tough experience in their life, it’s to show them how to navigate through them. And to show that you matter too, good luck!

Firstly, not with regard to your situation, but ‘children are resilient’ really annoys me. My eldest is not resilient. It takes him a really long time to adapt ( years) to a new significant situation and he is anxious and insecure and fearful of anything different and new. Dress up days at school would have him crying and anxious for two weeks before hand.

If your children are confident and secure already , and the divorce is amicable and well handled, they will cope much better with change.

I would not stay married in your situation.

This.

It's true that anyone who says their kids aren't affected by separation and divorce is minimising this. All kids will experience some dislocation as a result of this.

But that statement doesn't weigh up the respective benefits/disadvantages of the dislocation from separation versus the impact of remaining in an environment where parents are at war or simply don't like or respect one another.

It's often also about playing the long game: its a trade-off between short term pain versus longer-term stability and happiness.

I left my husband when my daughter was four (because his drinking and his disruptive and frightening mental ill health episodes were putting huge pressure on me and I could see it wasn't going to be a positive environment for her to grow up in). It did cause dislocation and sadness in the first few years and I'd be lying if I said she wasn't affected by it, but I'm absolutely certain that, nine years on, she is in a better place now for not living with an alcoholic.

Do I think it was a completely seamless and stress-free experience for her? No. Do I regret it? Hell, no.

Also, as @MissBattleaxe points out, I'm convinced that most of the time the separation itself isn't the main problem for children.

The problem comes from the prolonged animosity and toxicity between parents who have lost respect for one another and use their children as collateral.

To be honest I think that divorce did have an impact on my youngest child.
My ex husband and I remained friends but when we split up he moved away for a while and my son didn't see him for 6 months which I wasn't expecting.
It was a 'good divorce' but my youngest son got very clingy with one friend at school and he ended up falling out with him and his friend group. He moved to Secondary school a year later and found new friends and has just done his GCSE's and had no problems and so he recovered.
My older son was 16 at the time and he handled it really well.
The house has been a lot calmer without my ex-husband and so there's that.

Young children are resilient - but yours are old enough to understand so they will be affected, but if you're not happy they'll see that.

Teach them that healthy boundaries and self-care are important.

Hmm. My parents split did affect me, but I think it was the baldness of the realisation that my mum covered up for my dad’s ‘not really arsed about parenting’. I had asked to live with him because he was essentially leaving because my mum and sister screamed and screamed and screamed at each other, and I thought my dad and I had a special bond. Ge got a one bedroom place 250 miles away and left me in that (terrible) situation - I was also being bullied at school. Was just not bothered about me really at all.

My mum handled it badly by imo treating us as adults and confidants - I remember when they were splitting up she was telling me about him pressuring her for sex. I was like, 15 or 16? Don’t put adult problems on them and if you need to talk hire a counsellor.

All this to say, if you are both emotionally healthy and mature people who can divorce amicably they’ll be fine. Even better if they stay in school and same house and he moved out. Even if your H is a bit of a dick, as long as you stay steady they will be fine, though you being able to hide his nature from them will be a shock for them.

It depends on the effects of the parents staying together too. That can be far more damaging than a parental split and some parents can be in denial of how much the kids know /think that they know.

I hate the phrase children are resilient. It’s just used so casually to make adults feel better.

It doesn’t mean you divorcing would be a disaster. But they will be affected.

I guess I’d weigh up how bad it is, and if anything could change.

I ended up with no choice, you might too

Coming from a different pov op. I’d have loved my dm to divorce my f growing up! Having to live with him was beyond draining due to his temper but because he paid the mortgage and the bills he was apparently a good dad? Absolutely not.

The bigger picture is that you are teaching them to stay in an unhappy relationship as if they don't matter. You will be amazed how much they pick up on these things, don't fool yourself into thinking they don't. The biggest thing you can teach them is that they matter, and to do that you need to show them that you matter.

If it helps at all, my kids dad died when they were 7 and 9. He left home in an ambulance at the start of the pandemic and didn’t come back. There was no funeral. The first year was hard, but now they are flourishing. If someone didn’t know their story I do not think they would know this had happened to the kids. So kids can be incredibly resilient.

The whole "kids are resilient" thing I think stems from the children don't often show or know how to show how they are feeling at the time of experiencing something upsetting or traumatic. It often shows up later in life. This happened to me with my parents separation.

However, having an unhappy mother could also add to their problems. Only you can weigh up what will be the best course of action.

But please stop forcing yourself to sleep with someone - make up some medical issue if you have to. No-one should be having to do that 💐

I have to say in your situation I would leave without any doubt. You are clearly very unhappy.

There are no scenarios in which one parent making themself miserable to keep the marriage together will benefit children long term.

Your children aren’t stupid and if you stick this out for the sake of keeping the marriage going you are effectively signalling that they should sacrifice their own wellbeing for a marriage in future. That’s not a positive life lesson. You will also be a shadow of your full potential.

I would leave.