To think ‘children are resilient’ is a bit of a get out clause?

[Grantedwhitesocksturngrey]

I’m considering leaving my DH but I am very worried about the impact on my currently very settled children.
I have a 15 year old and a 9 year old and both are doing well in terms of their mental health, academics and generally well-being.
Im not suggesting divorce or family breakdown has to be a disaster but surely the children are always affected?
They aren’t witnessing any conflict or domestic abuse… but I am very unhappy and currently making myself sleep with DH when I don’t want to in order to keep the family together.

Financially we would be ok, probably fewer holidays than now but not on the bread line. I’d keep them at their current schools.
everyone says how resilient children are but my own adult friends who have divorced parents tell me that’s not exactly true.

AIBU to think it’s a gamble and they could be hugely destabilised?

It depends on the child and how the separation is managed. I was worried about how my kids would adapt if I split up with their dad. Both DC are autistic and thrive on routine.

They've managed a million times better than I thought they would. Their dad and I have been determined for it to remain civil for the sake of our kids. They have been our priority in all of this. We have been fortunate enough in that the financial situation has not changed much. I've remained in the family home with them. Schools etc don't need to change. Their dad has the kids as close to 50/50 as work schedules allow. Their dad and I get on much better now we don't see each other everyday. The kids see that we're civil, still help each other out etc.

The kids do talk about their feelings and they are sad about not seeing both parents everyday. But they're also happy there are no arguments between us anymore. I had underestimated how bad an atmosphere there was in our home with their dad here.

The long story short is that if you do as much as you physically possible to not fuck your kids up, it won't fuck your kids up.

I think that children can be resilient but they will also react to how the adults around them think they should feel.
If everyone around them is telling them something is going to be awful and they will be mentally and emotionally scarred for life, then they will live up to that expectation to some extent.

I think being honest and not minimising their feelings, even if they are not reacting how you think they should, and letting them know their feelings can change is the way to go.

I think this is spot on.

One thing I would say: however much you think you know your DH, you don’t know how he will respond to your leaving him. Expect anything. He could detach, leaving you as a totally lone parent and devastating the kids. Or he could co-parent really well. Until it happens you don’t know.

Did you post about this before?
Stop having sex you don't want and let him choose to leave if he wants. I think everything is easier when the pressure isn't on you to make the decision to split.

My parents had a horribly unhappy marriage. When my dad's affair was discovered he left and it sucked but I was so much happier in general. The house was peaceful and quiet, there was no tension in the air.

Trust me, they know your unhappy.

Resilient is an overused word these days and, as a PP has said, it does not mean instantly bouncing back from set backs. It means having the underlying strength to recover over time and learn from the experience.

I do think children are fundamentally more resilient than adults, due to the plasticity of their brain. However, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t vary a lot between children, nor that there is only so much anyone can take.

However, two relatively wealthy parents splitting is not, actually a catastrophe for a child, especially if handled well.

Ultimately, in an unhappy marriage, there are no ‘good’ choices and I feel, for the vast majority, divorce is the lesser of two evils for all concerned.

What’s the alternative? There’s no ‘get out clause’ for life’s difficulties, sadly.

OP my parents split. I cried tears of relief I wouldn’t have to walk on egg shells and listen to the arguing any more. If you can do it amicably and maturely they will be fine. No it isn’t ‘ideal’ but neither is it a life ruiner.

There was a long thread on here about how people were effected when their parents divorced and the impact seems to come down to how civil or messy the split was and that plays out with what my adult friends have said too. They will be effected but that’s true no matter what age and they will also be effected by you not being happy.

Different situations play out differently. I have a friend whose father had serial affairs after their last child was born. The mother stayed, built a career of her own and left him when the last child left home. He said this worked as a family for him. Because of his experience of this, he tends to be quite against families splitting when there are kids.

Clearly a situation like that would not work for many families.

My relative loves to say 'kids are resilient '.
They used it as justification when they split with their partner and moved house 3 times in 4 months.
Both kids are medicated for various issues including anxiety.
They may well be resilient but everyone, including children, has a limit and I think people need to be careful if they just assume the kids will be fine.

Whenever people say that children are resilient it always makes me think of a quote I read once:

"If children are so resilient, how come so many adults are in therapy"

I don't think a family breakup has to be traumatising though - like others have said, if it's handled correctly then it can be relatively ok.

I remember wishing my parents would break up as a kid, the rows were so bad.

My mum once grabbed me from where I'd been watching them scream at each other, held me between her and my dad and said "look, you're making LSD upset" and once I hit 12-ish, my dad used to confide way too much of their marriage woes in me (probably due to being lonely, mum was off about him going out with friends, but still).

Weirdly enough, I don't believe myself to be particularly fucked up over that, maybe because a load of other crap happened in my childhood that made it look like a fucking picnic.

I’m divorcing at the moment with much younger children. I do think children are usually affected by it. I don’t think it’s always as simple as “happy mum, happy kids”. Children might be resilient in that they appear to cope well and adapt but still very sad and negatively affected at least in the short term.

I don’t think that’s necessarily a reason to stay in a relationship which isn’t working and you are sure cannot work. My ex left me in the end but I couldn’t imagine how we were going to live together civilly for the next 18 years - it would have required both of us to play a role and for me to accept a complete unequal share of childcare, housework etc without complaint. Probably quite toxic for children anyway though no idea if it would have been worse than divorce.

I think you can do a lot of things to make life easier for your children and some of those things might be things you don’t really want to do after divorce. E.g try very hard not to fall out over finances or contact arrangements even if it involves compromise and don’t go to court unless absolutely necessary; don’t immediately start a new relationship and particularly don’t bring someone into a step parent role too soon; be flexible on when your children see and talk to their other parent if possible; stay on good enough terms with your ex that you can both go to school events, go into each other’s houses if necessary, communicate about children etc. Obviously it’s not all within your control but I always think for children to go from having two parents who supposedly love each other and spend a lot of time together to two houses with parents who can’t be in the same room must be very difficult. I think there’s often a temptation to shut down children talking about their feelings particularly when you feel responsible for them but it’s really important to let them feel and express whatever it is they need to whether that’s anger or sadness or even happiness at something they have done with their dad.

I think it requires an acceptance that your ex will always be in your and your children’s life and you need to manage your emotions with them and let all your past issues go and pick your battles on current issues. It’s hard to do when you’re going through a separation.

Yes they will be affected. It remains for you to evaluate whether the impact of a well-managed divorce is a lesser or greater harm than the impact of you staying, whether that's the impact on you personally or the impact on them witnessing your unhappiness.

A lot depends on why you are unhappy and whether you want to - or even can (or should) - tackle the cause.

I nearly left DH once. I stayed longer than I would have done had I not had children because I was worried about the impact on them. Had I been childless I'd have never looked back tbh. I'm so, so glad I didn't leave because today we are better than ever. It wasn't an easy process though and involved relationship counselling. There was also no infidelity or abuse involved and we both always behaved respectfully towards each other. That's an important distinction when it comes to reasons for leaving I think.

I'm not an advocate for staying together at all costs though. Some families are dysfunctional and the first step towards healing them is separation.

Hope you arrive at a decision you can find peace with.

Hope

Resilient doesn’t mean “unaffected” - I don’t think any child is unaffected by their parents divorcing. However, I have a number of friends who have divorced and although clearly all the children are affected and none of them are happy about it, certainly some have coped way better than others and this is definitely down to how civil the parents are.
One divorce is utterly awful with the dad just doing everything in his power to ruin the mum plus his behaviour towards his kids is appalling. As expected, both kids are in therapy and coping very badly.
Other parents have maintained civil relationships with each other and the kids seems generally happy. When the dad has gone on to have another baby with the new woman there have been serious wobbles but that’s to be expected.
I don’t believe any child goes through a divorce and comes out unscathed, but equally, children will go though hard experiences through their lives and you can be there to help them through it.

Children are not resilient. They just have no power whatsoever, so their very survival depends on their ability to keep the adults in their lives happy, roll with the punches and suppress their distress.

Once they reach adulthood and can express themselves without fear of punishment and begin to understand their experiences, that’s when the damage becomes apparent and the trouble starts.

That said, I think that staying in an unhappy marriage is no good for them either. I think that marriage break ups can be handled sensitively enough that emotional damage can be minimised. The real trouble starts when parents introduce new adults and “blended families” into their children’s lives. I know I will get push back for saying that but I do not believe that the majority of children are happy with having to live with unrelated adults and having to share their parents with non related children. They may say they are - see above about children being powerless and dependent and having to keep adults happy - but I don’t believe any of them would choose that. End the marriage but don’t shack up with anyone else, focus on your children until they’re young adults or close to being and it will likely be fine.

Also don’t make a big performance out of telling them - The Big Sit Down. All the children of divorced parents I know, said that was by far the worst bit as one parent was clearly furious/in huge distress etc. I read on here sometimes posts where it is angrily asserted that the one doing the leaving should be the one to tell the kids, like some kind of revenge. How does that minimise the trauma? I told my children alone while we were on a day out. I told them I was fine and that nothing was going to change for them, they could choose if they wanted to go to their Dad’s place but no one was going to force them to do anything and we never did. They’ve turned out pretty well actually, emotionally speaking. I’m still single and I think that was the key.

You need to be happy for them to be happy. You’ve clearly done a great job bringing them up and I am sure you can do a great job having a sensibly managed divorce if that’s what you need to do.

Have you thought about marriage counselling first?

I think children would be a lot MORE resilient if every negative childhood experience wasn't framed as "trauma".

MN is bloody awful for it

I agree with your title. However, your children will pick up on your unhappiness. Is the not wanting sex the only issue?

Lots to think about, thank you.

Sex isn’t the only issue but it doesn’t help.
It’s very lonely, I’m not me when DH is around. But I’m not sure those things outweigh the security my children have.

people who say that, are the type of parents who turned a blind eye to many ways they’ve effected their children. They’re the type to say their babies were happy in a crèche at 6 months old or happy to go off to boarding school at 11.
of course children prefer their parents to have a loving relationship and be a happy family unit. Obviously it doesn’t alway work out that way but children ARE always effected.

Divorce always has an adverse effect on children
I think many parents don't want to admit it

I understand if there is violence this would be worse on the children than divorce but things like 'he had an affair' are not valid reasons to put your children through unnecessary distress

Each situation is different and each child is different
Only you can know the effect of broken home v unhappy mother

currently making myself sleep with DH when I don’t want to

I did that, still dealing with the fallout years later. Over time I ended up feeling absolutely worthless.

things like 'he had an affair' are not valid reasons to put your children through unnecessary distress

Oh come on. Be serious.