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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go NC after no wedding invite

66 replies

Welliouta · 20/07/2023 22:24

so my sister got married during covid but when you were allowed people to attend weddings (a small group were allowed). She got married with her sister and brother in law but she did it invite me or my family. We are fairly close until then. It was so hurtful I can’t get over it. It feels that she chose her partners family over mine, and I can’t bring myself to forgive her. AIBU to go NC over it? I feel our relationship is broken.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2023 01:40

When my friends have married abusive dickheads, I let them know I'll still be there but I won't necessarily hang out with said dickhead. My friends and family did he same for me.

You sound a titch like you care more about your own feelings than the fact your sister is being controlled.

greyhairnomore · 21/07/2023 06:03

Welliouta · 20/07/2023 22:44

Well she velodrome married him knowing he’s controlling. There’s not much I can do about that.

He's controlling , he may have made her get married.

crew2022 · 21/07/2023 06:34

I can understand how hurt you are.
The only thing is that if she's in a controlling relationship then try to see the lack of invites as his influence.
Personally I would stay in contact because that's what controlling men do, isolate their partner from family and friends.
I'd try and see it as a control problem and not interpret it as her not caring. Try and stay in contact incase she ever decides to leave. X

Riapia · 21/07/2023 08:04

Why would an atheist want to attend a religious ceremony?
Better to keep well away.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 21/07/2023 08:15

You’re being a self involved dick. Your sister is in a controlling relationship and you want to cut her out of your life and abandon her to it, making it even harder for her to leave him if and when she hopefully does. Do you know how much harder it is to leave a man like that when you don’t have your own people to turn to?

VisionsOfSplendour · 21/07/2023 08:24

You're possibly making your sister being coercively controlled all about you

It's your choice whether you see her but I'd recognize there could be a serious problem in her relatuinshio

LaviniasBigBloomers · 21/07/2023 10:10

I've already responded but just checking back on responses since reminded me of a situation where a friend of my much younger sibling married into an evangelical Christian relationship and fully converted. My parents (who had done a lot for this person when he was younger) were invited to the wedding and actually found it extremely offensive when he (and pastors/bride's parents speaking for him) 'renounced' his previous life and influences - while many of his previous life influences were sitting right there, in the room.

She may have been protecting you from something like that?

MasterBeth · 21/07/2023 11:10

Riapia · 21/07/2023 08:04

Why would an atheist want to attend a religious ceremony?
Better to keep well away.

Because it's nice?

I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. Not my business if two nice people want to take part in a religious ceremony to celebrate their love for each other. I think the god bit is nonsense but...

mindutopia · 21/07/2023 11:28

My own mum didn't invite me to her wedding (actually planned it such that it would be impossible for me to attend and only told me 7 days before, so there would be no way to make arrangements for travel, even if I had been invited). She's in an unhealthy relationship. Now we are completely NC now, but for unrelated reasons.

I think if you care about your sister. Keep the lines of communication open, in case she needs you. She sure sounds like she may one day, though that doesn't mean you need to be that person who picks her up. But you don't have to be actively involved in her life if you don't want to be. I would let her know how hurt you were by not being invited and leave it at that.

But going NC is a big deal and can be very painful. It isn't something I'd do unless there was harassment or considerable risk of harm to you, physically or emotionally, by an ongoing relationship.

Reugny · 21/07/2023 11:33

Please don't go NC.

However you are right to go LC.

Your sister is currently infatuated with her husband, her new religion and new life. It is unlikely to last.

So exchange pleasantries but keep an emotional distance from her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2023 12:36

CornishTiger · 20/07/2023 22:48

Your sister needs you to stick around and bite your tongue. When the Penny finally starts to drop be there for her. Don’t go no contact. That’s exactly what the abuser wants!

This. Totally. I am sorry you’re hurting. I know what it is to be slighted.

LaMaG · 21/07/2023 12:41

I'm sorry you are upset OP but I can't see any benefit in going NC with your sister. You are upset over an invitation during a very unusual time, can you imagine how upset you would be if she cut you off? That's what you are considering doing to her. There is no excuse for it

BlackeyedSusan · 21/07/2023 12:43

CornishTiger · 20/07/2023 22:48

Your sister needs you to stick around and bite your tongue. When the Penny finally starts to drop be there for her. Don’t go no contact. That’s exactly what the abuser wants!

this, sadly.

some churches can be a bit fundamental... and mens rights selectivve interpretation of the Bible to suit mens' wants.

ejbaxa · 21/07/2023 12:54

She’s trapped with someone controlling and nasty.

I understand that she “consented” to this, but this kind of person knows how to groom and manipulate - so I wouldn’t say that she has consented with good knowledge, experience and freedom.

with that in mind, I think you need to put aside your own feelings of being hurt by her. She hasn’t hurt you deliberately, she’s been brainwashed.

seeing as you don’t have much left to lose, you could meet up with (just her) and tell her that you’re worried for her because of extreme religion and behaviour that’s isolated her from you and the rest of the family. Say you do not accept the covid excuse re the wedding. If she has no kids with him, tell her to think long and hard before getting into a situation that is lifelong.

tattygrl · 21/07/2023 13:27

If you can stand to, I think the ultimate best thing to do is to stay in her life, at a distance if you need to for your own wellbeing (understandable), but with the door left open for her if she ever seeks help or connection. It sounds like she's in an unhealthy (to say the least) relationship, and could be being coercively controlled. Her family cutting her off could be exactly what her husband wants. Let her know you love her and are always here for her, then let the rope go slack.

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2023 13:37

I understand why it’s hurtful, but I think the important thing here is being there for your sister when she’s in a controlling and abusive relationship. That support may well save her one day. Yes, she’s made awful choices in marrying him, but he will have brainwashed her into it. Hopefully one day she’ll be realise how awful he is and need to get away, and she’ll need your support.
Ignore her husband, but don’t go NC with your sister.

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