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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go NC after no wedding invite

66 replies

Welliouta · 20/07/2023 22:24

so my sister got married during covid but when you were allowed people to attend weddings (a small group were allowed). She got married with her sister and brother in law but she did it invite me or my family. We are fairly close until then. It was so hurtful I can’t get over it. It feels that she chose her partners family over mine, and I can’t bring myself to forgive her. AIBU to go NC over it? I feel our relationship is broken.

OP posts:

EsmeSusanOgg · 20/07/2023 22:49

big hugs

That does sound very hurtful. It sounds like she has been isolated from her family by a controlling partner.

While you can have sympathy, there is only so much you can do to be there. And it is clear this really hurt you (it would massively hurt me too).

I think you need to step back. You don't need to formally go NC. But for your wellbeing this isn't a situation you can remain in.

I'm sure other posters have highlighted how coercive control works and how abusers operate. But if you sister is 'happy' and stuck in this situation, you can only do so much.

Tell her you love her, but you need to step back a bit because there has been too much unacknowledged hurt. That if she wants to reach out, you are available. But that's it. Then work on healing yourself.

Original poster

Welliouta · 20/07/2023 22:51

@EsmeSusanOgg thank you. That is really helpful and kind advice x

OP posts:

EsmeSusanOgg · 20/07/2023 22:53

FlowersInTheSky · 20/07/2023 22:45

You are. You know your sister is in a vulnerable relationship and you’re plan is to fuck off and leave her to it over a bullshit perceived slight

Show quote history

It was a slight. Not a perceived one. Though one orchestrated by her sisters controlling partner.

In a perfect world, we could all maintain perfect emotional resilience when we are hurt by those we care about. But that isn't realistic. At some point OP needs to also look after her mental well-being. It sounds like she has tried to be there for her sister, but that hasn't helped.

EsmeSusanOgg · 20/07/2023 22:54

@Welliouta hopefully things will improve and you can rebuild with your sister in the future. But I think having tried so far, and you now need to look after yourself a bit.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 20/07/2023 23:03

For the love of god, do not go NC. If her 'D'H is controlling, who else does she have in her life outside of that bubble? You don't need to keep challenging her on things, just make sure she knows you are there. He wants her to be isolated, to be without support, to not have anyone to turn to - and to feel that that's normal.

Just go back to what is normal for your relationship with her. I understand how hurt you must feel, and the damage you feel it's done to your bond. However, she probably knows deep down that something isn't right, and if she's without anyone else to talk to, it will only get worse. You don't have to 'save' her, or discuss difficult issues. Just meet up as normal, so she knows you still care - because you wouldn't be hurt as you are if you didn't care about her.

I'm sorry. But I've been in the same situation as your sister - and I treated those closest to me terribly during it. I wouldn't have listened if they'd tried to talk to me. It was only afterwards that they all said 'we could see what was happening to you, but we couldn't do anything until you saw it yourself'.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/07/2023 23:05

if you have concerns about the evangelical partner & his potential 'controlling' nature, reduce contact (sounds like you already have), but don't go NC, and let her know you're there if she needs you (if when it all goes wrong)

& don't watch the BBC sixth commandment series.

OhmygodDont · 20/07/2023 23:07

No contact because you weren’t invited to a wedding that none of the family where because her controlling husband did it all?

she’s the bad guy? Yeah poor sister. I never get the angst about wedding though either. If my brother didn’t invite me I can’t say I’d be fussed. Save me some money tbh.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 20/07/2023 23:08

If you need to go NC then go NC, but do it in the knowledge that you're doing exactly what her husband wants... I think it would be better to perhaps reduce contact somewhat and seek support elsewhere to deal with the hurt, but to leave the door open.

bridgetreilly · 20/07/2023 23:13

You need to get over the wedding. Whatever the reasons for it, it happened and it’s done. You are the one constantly being hurt again by continuing to bring it up.
You need to decide what sort of relationship you want with your sister now. If you want to be friends, you need to listen to who she is now, what she needs and what she offers. You need to recognise that maybe she has changed and that’s okay. Does she still want to be friends with you?
There are lots of options between NC and BFFs. You don’t have to pick one or the other.

Sit down and talk to her. Properly, like grown ups, without just taking offence at everything,

Mirabai · 20/07/2023 23:14

You go NC with people who are so toxic you can’t be around them not because you’re hurt and want to punish them. Or rather there are plenty of people who do that but it’s a bit immature.

greenthumb13 · 20/07/2023 23:18

Petty?! I would be so hurt if my sister didn't invite me to her wedding! Of course your feelings are valid. But the question is now whether to NC. She's not acknowledging what happened and she is being controlled by her awful husband. The "bigger person" thing to do is realise that she is being mind controlled and keep the lines open so she may be able to escape one day. You just need some mental distance to know this isn't about you, it's about what she is going through.

FiveShelties · 20/07/2023 23:22

Welliouta · 20/07/2023 22:42

And please be gentle. I love her but can’t keep being upset by her denials about the wedding and him. I’m not being a dick.

Sometimes you just have to put stuff behind you and concentrate on the future. Your sister could find herself in a vulnerable place if her husband is so controlling and may need help. Only you can decide if you want to be there for her.

MasterBeth · 20/07/2023 23:25

Welliouta · 20/07/2023 22:39

So it was at a time when 30 guests were allowed at the reception. I guess the backstory is that we were close before she got together with he now husband, but he is quite controlling and when things got serious with them our contact dwindled. Then covid hit. He is very religious. She was not at the time. I believe they didn’t invite my family as we are atheists and they didn’t want us there for that reason, plus I had a toddler at the time. So they got married with his sister and brother in law there who are also very religious, and his pastor. No one from our family.

So she has a controlling husband who is a religious nutter. You're not being a dick. He is being a dick and your sister may be being a dick.

TimesRwo · 20/07/2023 23:26

I got married during covid and couldn’t have all my siblings there. In the end I chose the one who I have the most difficult relationship with rather than the one I’m closest to, in order to avoid the drama. The sibling I would have preferred understood that fully and knew it was about keeping the peace rather than prioritising favourites.

Could it be something similar? If her husband is difficult, it was easier for her to invite your other sister instead of you?

ThereIbledit · 20/07/2023 23:37

Blimey. Your sister needs you to stick to her like glue until such a time as she realises she is with a controlling man and that enough is enough and she needs help to leave.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 20/07/2023 23:51

I am not sure if you are saying your sister got married with only two guests (the witnesses) and a pastor present? Although it would have been nice for bride and groom to choose one witness each the controlling husband seems to have had more influence. Also, if their wedding was very religious there may have been an element of the witnesses/congregation being a part of their future life which you could not have agreed to.
I am sorry you were not able to be part of what should have been such an important day in your sister's life but please do not let your brother in law drive a wedge between you

Mumtothreegirlies · 20/07/2023 23:54

I’m probably not the best person to answer this because I’m very good at going NC And have no issues with cutting people out that piss me off so Yanbu I would probably deal with it this way myself. But you should definitely be up front and ask her specifically why she did invite you.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 20/07/2023 23:58

I would be incredibly hurt, but I do have a couple of friends who went away with a couple of witnesses to get married, because the politics and risks during lockdowns made everything too complicated. I don't think you should go nc, I think you should be there for her, if she is in a controlling relationship then she needs you.

Pallisers · 21/07/2023 00:11

Look just forget about the wedding. Forgive her for it and move on. Stop talking about it to her. She isn't going to change her response. Do you really want to cut your sister off forever because she didn't invite you to her wedding and didn't apologise for it?

She is your sister and presumably you love her. Stay in touch. Try to keep a relationship with her that is separate from her husband. Don't presume to tell her who she should be - maybe this is who she wants to be right now. If she doesn't and is being coerced, then she needs you in her life even more.

Winter2020 · 21/07/2023 00:14

It is very painful when a sibling rejects you but for now she has chosen him. You will adjust in time and the hurt will be less.

You need to accept that for now she has chosen him and hope that she is happy. Don't burn your bridges, send birthday and Xmas cards with warm wishes and chat pleasantries if you see her at family events. Don't give her husband any ammunition to use against you or your family by causing drama.

Their relationship may work out or it might not but either way I'm sure you want your sister to be happy. So mentally wish her well and try to adjust to the new normal.

Canisaysomething · 21/07/2023 00:28

Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the same as doing what feels right. Just be there for your sister. There is no benefit to anyone being eternally hurt. When her marriage breaks down you can go to the next wedding.

cloudsandream · 21/07/2023 00:33

Your sister is in a controlling relationship with a dick and you’re the one acting like a victim? How are you sure he didn’t control the wedding list? You did say none of your family was invited.

Your sister is potentially in a shit position with a controlling man and you’re just saying, well it’s her fault she went through with it. Your lack of empathy or understanding is disgusting tbh.

You’re coming across incredibly self centred and petty. Even if she wasn’t in a bad relationship, what makes you entitled enough to believe you should get an invite? It’s really not that deep. Do you often make an issue of things?

Dixiechickonhols · 21/07/2023 00:34

Abusive men often separate victims from their family, creating tensions and divisions so victim has no where to go.
You love her. I wouldn’t turn my back on her knowing the situation she is in. Maybe read up on coercive control.

WellINever1 · 21/07/2023 01:24

I married into evangelical Christianity. I came out a decade later and my family were there waiting for me. The close relationships we once had were not the same but they were and are still people in my life and I'm so glad for that.

CapEBarra · 21/07/2023 01:34

She marrried a controlling, potentially abusive, religious nut. Excluding you was probably not her choice. Please stay close to you - she may need you in the future.

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