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Original poster

23 year old son has completely disengaged

40 replies

worriedmum55 · 20/07/2023 15:54

Hello,

My son is 23 and lives in the city about a 50 minute drive from his hometown. He had a fairly regular and happy childhood as far as I am concerned, his father and I still together, wanted for nothing, good hobbies, holidays, fine socially. He always did well in school but did need to be pushed when it came to studying. He is very smart and although he got good grades, he never really applied himself. He was consistently late for school and a procrastinator but other than that, there were no issues.

Going to try and keep it as short as possible but he moved to the city at 18 to go to uni - he didn't enjoy it, dropped out, tried another uni, once again dropped out/failed/never did assignments. During this time he was living with his then girlfriend and I know they would smoke marijuana together and she also struggled with uni (but has now graduated). So they split up and son moved back home.

At home he seemed settled enough, he got a job in the city but would just travel to work from our house every morning to his job in the city. He was smoking marijuana whilst staying at home but I'm not sure to the extent. He enjoyed a few ciders but nothing major.

Eventually, he decided he wanted to move out again and me and his dad helped him buy a flat near the city so less travelling for work. This was around 18 months ago.

Everything was going fine. However, for the past 9 months he has become really distant with both me and his dad, in fact the full family. He never acknowledged my birthday, not even a text, nor Mother's Day, very short in his replies to me (when he does reply which is rarely) and there's just been a shift.

My neighbour works with son and found out a couple of days ago that son has been dismissed from job for consistently taking at least a day off sick each week for past nine months and being consistently late.

I text son saying I know what has happened and could we meet for a chat. He didn't respond so me and his dad drove to his flat this afternoon, I text him last night to say we would drive to see him and could meet at his flat or in a coffee shop or something.

Upon arriving his door is locked and I received this text from him, 'I'm not even at my house and I don't remember asking for your help, good to know you think I'm useless without you. Just write me an appeal letter to give to neighbour to pass it on to manager. I'm not meeting you today'.

I'm now at a total loss, I am so worried as he is not proactive so worried about him paying his mortgage, I'm not in a financial position to help like I once was. I didn't want to meet him to have a go at him, I want to support him and see if there is something deeper going on that we can help him get support with.

He just refuses to communicate and I don't know whether it's a mental health thing, a drug use thing or whether it is just his personality but I am so worried and he doesn't seem to understand the toll this is taking on the family worrying about him.

My daughter said when she last went into his flat around Xmas time it was an absolute mess, she offered to help him tidy but he refused. I don't know if this is just normal 23 year old behaviour?

My daughter suggests just distancing myself and letting him get on with it but that's so much easier said than done, he is my son at the end of the day and the worry is making me sick to my stomach and unable to sleep well.

Could anyone give me some advice about what I should do in this situation? Please and thank you if you've got this far.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 15:56

Has he had a problem with drink or drugs before now? That's what I would be worried about, with him missing a work day every week.

You can't give up on him, but you can step back for a bit rather than rush in to solve his problem for him. I really feel for you - I know that would be my first thought, but I'd try to stop myself.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 20/07/2023 15:57

I think your daughter is right. He seems clear that he wasn't to do this on his own and may be feeling a lot of shame. Just let him know that there's no judgement and you're then if he needs you. Keep lines of communication open (because biggest concern is his mental health) and let him sort this out on his own.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 15:57

So sorry, just reread and saw what you'd said about weed and cider.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 20/07/2023 15:58

*wants

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 20/07/2023 15:58

*there

Goodness the typos!

OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 15:58

Can you ask your neighbour how your son appears to be at work? Does he have friends? Is he OK with other people? Is he late? Is he clean?

TeamsInterview · 20/07/2023 16:02

Whose name is the flat in , I'd encourage him to sell it before he gets into too much debt , but it sounds like he wouldn't want to come back and live with you.

itsmylife7 · 20/07/2023 16:03

It's one of the hardest thing to do but you need to step back.

just text him and say OK, but we're here for you if needed.

Don't keep contacting him as he'll see it as you treating him like a child....difficult as he's still your child but an adult now.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 20/07/2023 16:04

That must be so worrying for you. I would keep in contact as much as you can and let him know you are always there for him if he needs you. He sounds depressed and may also not want to face you because of losing his job. Do you know his ex GF?if you do could you ask her if she could just check on him and let you know how he is? He may be honest with her about if he has mental health or addiction issues. I hope it is sorted out OP.

RatherBeRiding · 20/07/2023 16:04

If he's been using a lot of cannabis it could be a MH issue - either exacerbated by cannabis use, or else he has been using it to self medicate. It does sound concerning, and I'd be worried too in your shoes. However I am not sure what you can do other than keep the door open for communication and let him know that you are there for him, and do your best to monitor the situation discreetly.

Original poster
worriedmum55 · 20/07/2023 16:05

OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 15:58

Can you ask your neighbour how your son appears to be at work? Does he have friends? Is he OK with other people? Is he late? Is he clean?

Have done, she said that he was late mostly every day despite warnings and chances. However, no other concerns in regards to his cleanliness, or how he is doing socially. I know he still sees his ex girlfriend a lot and he has a flat mate but flat mate is away for summer.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum55 · 20/07/2023 16:05

TeamsInterview · 20/07/2023 16:02

Whose name is the flat in , I'd encourage him to sell it before he gets into too much debt , but it sounds like he wouldn't want to come back and live with you.

It's in his name

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 20/07/2023 16:09

Why does he need you to write an appeal letter?

PussInBin20 · 20/07/2023 16:09

He sounds quite rude tbh. I would point out you are there if he needs you but like everyone else, I think you should step back. Let him come to you - what else can you do?

I wouldn’t be writing him an appeal letter either. He has to take some responsibility somewhere. Maybe you have done too much for him and now he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet?

You can’t shield him from everything in life and everyone has to go to work each day and turn up on time, even though most of us don’t want to!

If there is something else going on, only he can ask for the help.

Original poster
worriedmum55 · 20/07/2023 16:10

Couldyounot · 20/07/2023 16:09

Why does he need you to write an appeal letter?

The proper dismissal process was not followed apparently

OP posts:
Inkypot · 20/07/2023 16:10

I don't have any advice other than what's already been said by others, but I wanted to say you sound like such a loving and caring parent. It is refreshing to read about someone who is being so supportive to their child and acknowledges they're still their child no matter what age they may be.
I hope your son opens up for you, you sound like such a sweet family really.

Couldyounot · 20/07/2023 16:13

worriedmum55 · 20/07/2023 16:10

The proper dismissal process was not followed apparently

Show quote history

But presumably you only have his word for that. If he wants his job back, he needs to write his own letter.

Lockupyourbiscuits · 20/07/2023 16:14

This is very upsetting but the one good sign is he texted you and asked you to help appeal get his job back

it seems he may struggle with work hours so maybe a job doing shifts or hybrid may suit him better

he obviously feels terrible and sounds like he knows you are disappointed
im not sure what your original text said

Im thinking he needs support and a baby steps approach - maybe seeing what support he wants with his previous job or finding a new one that will suit him better

maybe a completely non confrontational letter offering practical support and that we all have struggles and occasional job upsets
no judgement let’s see what we can do together and you are not going to give him a telling off

might need to leave it a day or too
obviously you can’t write a letter of appeal for him but u can help
I don’t want to diagnose any issue but some adults need a light non judgmental support for longer than others -

Oypoy · 20/07/2023 16:16

Have a look at the symptoms for inattentive ADHD. It's possible your son may have it.

Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2023 16:17

You sound kind and supportive but he sounds cosseted.

Offers of cleaning, writing letters etc is just enabling him.

I would disengage right back but with an avenue back for him.

’No problem X - we’ll leave you to it. You are an adult as you say but I’m not writing you letters or enabling your behaviour. I’m here when you’re ready but I won’t bother you again.’

And leave it there.

Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2023 16:18

This is very upsetting but the one good sign is he texted you and asked you to help appeal get his job back

No he didn’t - he basically told OP to fuck off but write him a letter!

Diminishingreturns99 · 20/07/2023 16:26

I’m so sorry op. You must be worried sick.

How was his attendance at school and university?

This is the crux of the matter isn’t it?
He lacks commitment to things but why? And I imagine the pandemic didn’t help.

It could just be his youth and general apathy , and he was in the past depending on you to bale him out, but now he’s too embarrassed. Or he could have a mh condition or pd that’s only emerging now, or be nd, or by the sound of it, it’s the weed.

In your shoes I think I would need to try and find out which it is and try and get him some help.

I think at this point I would try and intervene. Even if it only stops him progressing to harder drugs although he may already be on that path. Weed can make you paranoid which is why he may be distancing himself from you. It can also trigger or exacerbate certain mh conditions.

He needs evaluating by a licensed psychologist and if he is smoking weed heavily or taking drugs he needs to go to rehab.

Getting him to cooperate is a major hurdle though. Keep going back to his flat. Keep texting. Tell him you love him so much and that you are worried about him. That’s all apart from offering to pay for a psychologist maybe?

Certainly do not write him an appeal
letter, although it’s good he still wants to work. He has to stop being avoidant and start facing consequences now. Hopefully you can help him to help himself.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/07/2023 16:26

Offer to be a sympathetic ear but stop picking up the pieces each time he fucks up. If he wants to appeal his dismissal let him do it.

Theamofm · 20/07/2023 16:37

Could be a million things that's making him distant. If he's depressed then he needs help and you will have to force it on him, whether that means waiting at his flat till he appears or opens the door. If it's drugs or drinks then the same applies. You can't leave it. I will add though then when I don't like people, and that includes family, I distance myself. Not sure about what kind of relationship you've had in the past, I know you have said he didn't want for much and your marriage is fine but that hasn't got anything to do with the love he recieved or the care he had. I didnt want for anything but my dad showed me no love. Obviously I don't know the full picture but he just might not want anything to do with you for his own reasons.

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