23 year old son has completely disengaged

[worriedmum55]

Hello,

My son is 23 and lives in the city about a 50 minute drive from his hometown. He had a fairly regular and happy childhood as far as I am concerned, his father and I still together, wanted for nothing, good hobbies, holidays, fine socially. He always did well in school but did need to be pushed when it came to studying. He is very smart and although he got good grades, he never really applied himself. He was consistently late for school and a procrastinator but other than that, there were no issues.

Going to try and keep it as short as possible but he moved to the city at 18 to go to uni - he didn't enjoy it, dropped out, tried another uni, once again dropped out/failed/never did assignments. During this time he was living with his then girlfriend and I know they would smoke marijuana together and she also struggled with uni (but has now graduated). So they split up and son moved back home.

At home he seemed settled enough, he got a job in the city but would just travel to work from our house every morning to his job in the city. He was smoking marijuana whilst staying at home but I'm not sure to the extent. He enjoyed a few ciders but nothing major.

Eventually, he decided he wanted to move out again and me and his dad helped him buy a flat near the city so less travelling for work. This was around 18 months ago.

Everything was going fine. However, for the past 9 months he has become really distant with both me and his dad, in fact the full family. He never acknowledged my birthday, not even a text, nor Mother's Day, very short in his replies to me (when he does reply which is rarely) and there's just been a shift.

My neighbour works with son and found out a couple of days ago that son has been dismissed from job for consistently taking at least a day off sick each week for past nine months and being consistently late.

I text son saying I know what has happened and could we meet for a chat. He didn't respond so me and his dad drove to his flat this afternoon, I text him last night to say we would drive to see him and could meet at his flat or in a coffee shop or something.

Upon arriving his door is locked and I received this text from him, 'I'm not even at my house and I don't remember asking for your help, good to know you think I'm useless without you. Just write me an appeal letter to give to neighbour to pass it on to manager. I'm not meeting you today'.

I'm now at a total loss, I am so worried as he is not proactive so worried about him paying his mortgage, I'm not in a financial position to help like I once was. I didn't want to meet him to have a go at him, I want to support him and see if there is something deeper going on that we can help him get support with.

He just refuses to communicate and I don't know whether it's a mental health thing, a drug use thing or whether it is just his personality but I am so worried and he doesn't seem to understand the toll this is taking on the family worrying about him.

My daughter said when she last went into his flat around Xmas time it was an absolute mess, she offered to help him tidy but he refused. I don't know if this is just normal 23 year old behaviour?

My daughter suggests just distancing myself and letting him get on with it but that's so much easier said than done, he is my son at the end of the day and the worry is making me sick to my stomach and unable to sleep well.

Could anyone give me some advice about what I should do in this situation? Please and thank you if you've got this far.

My son was similar to yours in his late teens, early twenties. Like you I was very anxious but a friend reassured me he would change in his mid twenties and he did. I just Googled male brain development and found this.

At what age do male brains fully develop?
approximately 25 years of age
In fact, there are characteristic developmental changes that almost all adolescents experience during their transition from childhood to adulthood. It is well established that the brain undergoes a “rewiring” process that is not complete until approximately 25 years of age.

I was going to say this - he should be looking at getting an ADHD assessment.

He is avoiding contact with you because he is ashamed. As he should be.

This sounds like a cannabis problem OP. I know of people it has affected like this.

The priority has to be working out what is happening with his health. Finding out how much he is smoking would be a start. Are you in touch with his exGF or flatmate at all? They might be more forthcoming than your son about this. I would speak to a health professional too, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

Next is the mortgage, and trying to understand if it is being paid and if so how it is being paid. If he has a flatmate, is the rent the flatmate is paying enough to cover the rent? Once you know how much he is smoking, you can work out roughly how much it is costing him.

I think the job is a bit of a red herring as it doesn't sound like it's that suitable for him. Perhaps he would work better in a hybrid/WFH role. If he doesn't really want the job, is there any point in appealing it?

Once your son has the help and support he needs, ideally from a professional who has experience dealing with cannabis addiction, I think everything else will fall into place.

Wishing you the best of luck OP. You obviously love and care for your son deeply and I hope this situation resolves quickly and smoothly for all of you.

Meant to say, it could not be cannabis addiction, but a professional with experience in the area will be able to tell you that. I agree with PPs that it would be a good idea to consider ADHD etc as well.

Im sorry OP, you must be very worried. But I wouldn't be writing an appeal letter for him, just leave him to do it himself.
I can understand he was frustrated - or more likely embarrassed - that you found out about the job from someone else, instead of him telling you himself. But that also may seem to him that you are keeping tabs on him.

Just tell him you are there for him if he needs to talk but he needs to sort this out himself, your daughter is right you have done enough for him, he won't thank you for stepping in, he will just resent you.

Me too.

He should write it himself. Presumably he's capable.

Firstly I would not be writing a letter.
It sounds like he may have moved on to a harder drug, cocaine?

Thankfully he would never be able to afford cocaine and I know he is paying his bills

Thank you so much for all the advice so far!

We have had similar issues in our family and extended family. Not as bad, but in both cases undiagnosed ADHD and in one case depression. Lots of signs to me that it could be that. Specifically the mess, the failure to follow through and taking drugs/drink to escape his mind. If he says he’s worried about you thinking he can’t cope - it means that he probably feels that he can’t cope.

Tough love stance would be the worst thing you could do. He needs to know that you are there, whatever. To help him navigate life and find his own way. Tell him that you empathise, that you understand, that there is no shame in finding some of these things tough - and that if he does have ADHD and/or depression, that life will get much much easier, with support. I doubt he is lazy - he’s probably been peddling very hard.

I had undiagnosed ADHD and made it through uni, first few years living in London and held it together - just. My room was a disaster, my self esteem was awful and I smoked and drank too much, plus went through a stage of being quite promiscuous. I totally cringe in retrospect. At age of 23 I read an article in The Times and couldn’t go to work the next day as kept thinking about how it was me and my life. Promptly diagnosed and learnt so much to help make my life more organised, calmer and really how to look after myself. It was transforming for my happiness. A big trigger for young people is leaving home and loosing that healthy support environment. The gentle nudges that help keep you on course. I think one of my biggest things was moving away from home cooking. Until my diagnosis, I lived off ready meals - extremely bad for nutrition and probably mental health.

I really hope you can help him. Tell him it’s no problem that you can’t tackle together. He will bring very hard on himself, which may make him prickly.

How is the OP going to get him an ADHD assessment if he won't even see her? If he's lost his job and needs money can you help him out with ad hoc work where you also spend time with him? Yes you are basically paying for his attention but you need to find out what's going on. Getting someone with MH or addition problems that isn't engaging with family let alone admits they have a problem, is very very hard.

Many years ago, I worked in an inner-city residential drug detox unit. We had a core of regular "revolving-door" clientele. Cannabis, heroin, amphetamine, and also alcohol. If they managed to stay the month-long medically supervised detox programme, they could progress to a longer, six month residential treatment programme.
Both these programmes required the service users to be committed to the detoxification programme. They could (and did) leave at any time, knowing that, if we had a bed space at the time, they could ask to come back. About a third of them overdosed and died. Another third managed to reduce their use sufficiently to be able to function reasonably well in the world. The remaining third, often after years of "revolving door" dependency managed to get clean and stay clean.
In my opinion, the ones who did this were either people who glimpsed the possibility of a better life without drugs and kept trying after a string of failures, or people who found something that they desperately wanted and knew that drug use was preventing them ever being able to achieve it.
Without sufficient and consistent personal motivation, plus professional, non-judgemental support, it is extremely difficult to become drug-free.

I agree with the ADHD suggestions. Not coping at uni was when my friends child was diagnosed. But you will have to wait until he will engage with you first.