To not go to my nephew's wedding

[alfredborne]

My nephew is getting married however the all day venue is my DH's previous place of work where he suffered a life-changing accident and was bullied out of his job as a result.

DH has been left unable to work, now lives with chronic pain and psychological distress and is on long term medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. He is on full disability benefits. This is a direct result of the accident.

We were told last year the wedding would be held here and I said immediately that DH wouldn't attend but I would with the children. However, now the date is approaching (invites have not yet been sent) I am struggling with the idea of going.

These have been an extremely difficult few years, DH turned to alcohol after the accident, we went through nearly 3 years of litigation which was hell, he has a daily constant reminder of what he lost from his life and what we lost as a family. On one occasion I had to call the police as I thought he'd seriously harmed himself when he disappeared (these thoughts are ongoing with him).

When I disclosed that DH wouldn't attend my nephew's parents weren't too happy. They are very "traditional" and see this as a personal affront. I am expecting a huge fallout if I now say that I'm not going (it's my sibling's child). I'm not even sure if they realise DH is definitely not going.

The thought of getting dressed up and spending all day in the place that caused us so much pain and taking my kids there is something I don't relish, even if it is for a happy occasion such as this. My DH is happy for me to go and understands the potential fall out if I don't.

Should I just suck it up and go? If not, how should I explain it? The family all know what happened but didn't live it with us, I don't think they grasp the overall impact this had on us all individually and as a family.

Why on earth would they choose that venue? It's not very kind or considerate at all.

I cannot believe they chose that venue Of course you shouldn't go (unless you want to, but frankly why would you).

Why did they choose that venue?
I would also be deeply uncomfortable
if you can bear it I would go to the wedding but it does sound like it would be difficult
your family don’t sound terribly sympathetic to what sounds like a dreadful time

I disagree. Their choice of wedding venue has nothing to do with with your husband's accident and employment. It's unfair that you are throwing that on them.

It's up to you if you go or not but you're missing out on a family celebration

They are the ones in the wrong here. They sound extremely inconsiderate after everything your DH and your family have been through. They should be united in their dislike of the place after the damage it’s caused members of their own family. I wouldn’t go in your shoes and I wouldn’t be apologising either. How can they celebrate in a place with that connection?

I tend to back out of doing most things like this, due to too much social interaction. I explain that I would love to go but it will make me ill, I've never been made to feel guilty about it. I console myself with the knowledge that my being there or not won't make any difference to their 'day' one way or the other, we might spend time with each other in different ways that are ultimately more special to us personally and they still get their day. If it caused them problems, ultimately that would be their problem to deal with or not.

Can you explain how stressful it's all been and you feel like it would add more stress, which could/would make you ill? People seem to be more understanding of that side of it.

What sort of venue is it? Is the wedding bit directly linked to where he had the accident?

The wedding is being held there as my niece (sister of groom) works there and gets a discount. My DH got her the job when he was there.

Very odd to chose venue.
If it’s a way off and they haven’t paid for you I think I’d contact the engaged couple now and explain you aren’t coming rather than pull out last minute.
It sounds like your husband had to issue court proceedings to secure compensation. I’d want to avoid any awkwardness on day that may overshadow couples happy day. l’d just say it’s not appropriate to attend venue in light of court case or something like that.

I don't even want to talk about it with them, I'd rather it all just went away and I didn't have to think about it. I'm neurodivergent and get overwhelmed/stressed easily, plus I have very recently had some significant health concerns myself resulting in an urgent hospital referral for further tests beginning next week.

This is good advice if you want to remain on civil terms with the family members involved. Don’t enter into any discussion about - just tell them this is what is happening.
Actually I don’t think I could even do this - it is inconceivable to me that a family member would want to celebrate a happy occasion in a venue that has caused life changing events for your family. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was. People really astound me.

I wouldn't feel that up for celebrating with people who didn't give a shit about how I felt about a place.

The only appropriate reaction to someone giving a polite excuse is, "Oh, that's a shame, we'll miss you, but you take care".

Anyone who gives you shit when they're not getting their own way is not worth hurting yourself for.

This

To all those criticising why the wedding couple chose that venue- should the sister of the groom quit her job there because of what happened to the OPs husband too then?

I would go.

They can choose to hold there wedding wherever but it's very unfeeling of them to get the jump with you because you don't want to go there.

I would not go under those circumstances.

It sounds like they have no idea of the impact of accident or affect on him and your family.
I’m imagining a scenario where dh worked at a hotel or similar and has suffered a serious injury.
Dh has brought court proceedings for compensation against former employer.
Her DH may have been told or advised not to go on the premises as part of those proceedings.
Op will be constantly on edge and not able to enjoy day.
Suppose a member of staff recognises Op and says I don’t know how you have cheek to show your face after taking us to court. Not what happy couple want to happen.

Go to the marriage service but decline the reception.

No discussion.

They care little for your distress so don't take on board theirs.

Good luck with your tests.

Weddings are very expensive so I can see why they may be keen to have it there if they are able to get a discount. I think it depends on whether the accident was caused by the venue or just happened to take place there as to whether it is reasonable for them to have chosen it as their venue.

No I wouldn’t go in these circumstances. Just tell them why and send a nice wedding gift. I hope your husband recovers.

This is one of the occasions when I'd probably have at least 2 of us come down with "covid". But reimburse your nephew for the meals

Oh hold on. Invites not yet sent? Book a holiday and say you got the dates mixed up 🤷🏽‍♀️🤣