To not go to my nephew's wedding

[alfredborne]

My nephew is getting married however the all day venue is my DH's previous place of work where he suffered a life-changing accident and was bullied out of his job as a result.

DH has been left unable to work, now lives with chronic pain and psychological distress and is on long term medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. He is on full disability benefits. This is a direct result of the accident.

We were told last year the wedding would be held here and I said immediately that DH wouldn't attend but I would with the children. However, now the date is approaching (invites have not yet been sent) I am struggling with the idea of going.

These have been an extremely difficult few years, DH turned to alcohol after the accident, we went through nearly 3 years of litigation which was hell, he has a daily constant reminder of what he lost from his life and what we lost as a family. On one occasion I had to call the police as I thought he'd seriously harmed himself when he disappeared (these thoughts are ongoing with him).

When I disclosed that DH wouldn't attend my nephew's parents weren't too happy. They are very "traditional" and see this as a personal affront. I am expecting a huge fallout if I now say that I'm not going (it's my sibling's child). I'm not even sure if they realise DH is definitely not going.

The thought of getting dressed up and spending all day in the place that caused us so much pain and taking my kids there is something I don't relish, even if it is for a happy occasion such as this. My DH is happy for me to go and understands the potential fall out if I don't.

Should I just suck it up and go? If not, how should I explain it? The family all know what happened but didn't live it with us, I don't think they grasp the overall impact this had on us all individually and as a family.

If you don't want to go - for whatever reason - then politely decline and wish them a happy day. If you feel this will be massively contentious and problematic then arrange to be on holiday at the time.

Thanks for the responses. Will mull it over some more.

All of this, go or not but the wedding is not about you

OP is it just the venue that will be the same or are the same staff etc going to be there?

I think I'd suck it up and go on my own if it's just the actual location. If staff related to the incident are going to be there that could be more stressful.

Bloody hell, some people on this thread really need to learn some empathy.

I think only you can make this decision really. If you're going to be in tears or have lots of awful memories triggered then don't go, not only will it be awful for you, it wont be good for the bride or groom either. However in your shoes I'd maybe visit beforehand. Go this weekend and have a walk around the grounds or a drink in the bar. That should give you an idea of whether you'll be able to cope or whether it will be too much. Sometimes the thought of these things is worse than the reality but you dont want to be testing that theory out at a wedding

It sounds like an unfortunate situation. I can see why they are having the wedding there. I see why you associate it with your struggles in recent years. Neither of you are unreasonable there.

I would make my decision by asking myself - what will change if I go the wedding and what will change if I don’t go? Then follow whichever decision lead to the outcomes I would prefer.

What do you think would happen if you go? If it is that you would be a bit upset, can you just try and suck it up for your nephew?

Seems a bit OTT not to go.

I wouldn't go. It does seem a bizarre choice of venue for a close family member who must surely be aware of the damage, physical and psychological, that this place has caused your DH and yourself x

I’m really surprised so many people don’t think it’s an issue.
If my husband had received severe injuries in a place I don’t think I could visit particularly if it’s accompanied by a long court case snd all that entails.

There's no way I'd hold my wedding somewhere that was the site of a family member's life changing accident. Maybe that's just me, but my family would come first in that scenario. OP, you're not unreasonable at all. I'd personally consider attending myself, not the kids and of course not your DH, and be present at the ceremony, then skedaddle. A PP suggested this earlier and I think it's the best way, if you feel able to. If not, don't feel bad.

Personally I wouldn't want to go either, if I had an accident there. But i wouldnt expect others not to book that venue, because its nit about me. You can go without him and explain that its too traumatic for your husband to come, due to his accident there.

When I disclosed that DH wouldn't attend my nephew's parents weren't too happy. They are very "traditional" and see this as a personal affront. I am expecting a huge fallout

What kidn of fallout? Would it actually affect you? I wouldn't go in your shoes. Tough shit.

could you say something like as part of the ongoing court case or part of the settlement you are not supposed to be on the property?

If something really shit happened to one of your family there, it obviously means something to those family members. It is totally on them that they have no consideration for those feelings. Who wants to go somewhere with such horrible links? Of course op does not want to go.

I would to be honest if they treated a family member in this way.