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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was my DD re her birthday

27 replies

Peddlefaster · 20/07/2023 11:01

I’ve always made a deal of the kids birthdays, decorate kitchen, present, birthday box with bits, favourite breakfast etc.
Eldest DD 15 has a tendency to be a bit of a spoilt madam and birthdays seem to bring out the worst - ‘ hope I get good things in my birthday box ‘, ‘better not be things I don’t like’ etc. I’ve corrected her on this behaviour but alas it continues.

So she turned 15 yesterday and we were travelling back from a 3 week holiday. Not ideal but that’s just how the flights landed and at 15 I really don’t see the big deal. She got a takeaway, cake, gift she wanted and birthday box but in the evening and knew this was coming.

She behaved appallingly in the airport and basically focused all this anger at me - ‘ you’re being mean on my birthday etc etc’

Was i unreasonable to basically just dial in the cake and celebration because of this behaviour. As an aside I’ve a virus which she knows about so knew I wasn’t at my best.

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 20/07/2023 11:03

It's hard to say based on such a small amount of information really.

What does she mean when she says you've been mean to her?

towriteyoumustlive · 20/07/2023 11:03

YABU. Sometimes kids can lose sight of how lucky and privileged they are compared to not just those in poorer countries, but also in this country.

dodeca · 20/07/2023 11:18

Were you being rude to her on her birthday?

Maray1967 · 20/07/2023 11:27

If my DS15 behaved like that he’d be seriously regretting it. I am very strong on the ‘ be aware of the privileges you have’ line - essential when they are at a school with folks wealthier than us as they can develop a very skewed idea of how well off they are. I addressed this years earlier - when they were 7 or 8. Both of mine were taken to church events in deprived parts of the city. They learned at that age that we are well within the top 10 per cent in terms of family wealth and comparisons with wealthier friends do not override that. I will not tolerate spoilt demands and they know it.

Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2023 11:30

We’ll age hasn’t become spoilt overnight.

How are you dealing with the issue in general?

Birthday’s are nice but it’s not good for them to become such a big deal.

Original poster
Peddlefaster · 20/07/2023 11:31

No I wasn’t being rude to her but I was telling her to pick up her bag, go to the gate etc. I wasn’t mean but if I’m honest with myself I do resent this spoilt behaviour and I won’t ignore it. In our house, your birthday is your time to be celebrated but not your time to behave badly

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2023 11:31

She, not age. Ffs

Original poster
Peddlefaster · 20/07/2023 11:35

Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2023 11:30

We’ll age hasn’t become spoilt overnight.

How are you dealing with the issue in general?

Birthday’s are nice but it’s not good for them to become such a big deal.

True. Materially we don’t particularly spoil. I’m very very aware of this.

We haven’t done enough probably but are addressing this now.

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 20/07/2023 11:36

Because of holidays, school etc my children were acknowledged on their birthday but often has their special celebration day on a different day altogether, usually the nearest Saturday to their birthday when all of the day would be for them.

Your daughter has to accept that the world doesn't stop for her on her actual birthday but that it doesn't mean she is less loved.

thehairdebate · 20/07/2023 11:41

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aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2023 11:48

Well, I don't think YABU, but it probably stems from how much of a big deal you have always made of birthdays.

I would use this as a sign to start scaling back and generally expecting more adult expectations and reactions from her. Perhaps no birthday box next year as she's grown out of it.

givemushypeasachance · 20/07/2023 11:53

What is "behaving appallingly"? With discipline do you go for punishments, like you've done XYZ so now I'm taking your electronic devices away until tomorrow, you're grounded, etc or do you try to go for "natural consequences". Saying you were rude and did XYZ so you get less treats for your birthday would fit into the former but less the latter, and a 15th birthday probably isn't the best time to suddenly switch discipline methods.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/07/2023 11:56

I know this isn’t the point but have you let her miss 3 weeks of term in year 10? Maybe she’s worried about missing all that school time, especially as one of the youngest in the year.

Original poster
Peddlefaster · 20/07/2023 11:58

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/07/2023 11:56

I know this isn’t the point but have you let her miss 3 weeks of term in year 10? Maybe she’s worried about missing all that school time, especially as one of the youngest in the year.

Oh for goodness sake, she hasn’t missed a day of school. In fact she’s been in a language camp before this holiday.

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 20/07/2023 12:03

Some personality types get anxious at a time when the focus is due to be on them, They cope with the anxiety and feelings of uncertainty by lashing out and making accusations. They don’t grow out of it: look at all the controlling MIL threads.
Knowing her personality, I would just be prepared for it. Get her some nice things, cut her a bit of slack on the day/ don’t rise to the bait (as her senses will be heightened) and don’t feel bad. You know you love her and have done right by her.

KevinDeBrioche · 20/07/2023 12:05

I would also scale back. If effort is unappreciated why keep doing it?

HollaHolla · 20/07/2023 12:06

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/07/2023 11:56

I know this isn’t the point but have you let her miss 3 weeks of term in year 10? Maybe she’s worried about missing all that school time, especially as one of the youngest in the year.

Scottish schools have been off for almost 4 weeks....

Mamoun · 20/07/2023 12:08

She sounds like a spoiled brat and YANBY at all.
I don't know why birthday have to be such a big deal.
People have to try and be nice all days, their birthday is certainly not a licence to be a pest.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2023 12:08

Eldest DD 15 has a tendency to be a bit of a spoilt madam

This behaviour isn't new. Why have you allowed her to get away with it? These type of antics would never have been tolerated in my home.

BadnessInTheFolds · 20/07/2023 14:02

She sounds inconsiderate, melodramatic and self-centred- pretty standard for many 15 year olds I would have thought.

I'm not saying it's ok for her to behave like this, obviously it isn't and I'd tell her that. No, I don't think UWBU to dial back the celebratory mood this year but I wouldn't worry she's doomed to a life of being ungrateful and I wouldn't make a decision about what you'll do for her next birthday. A year is a long time

Pkhsvd · 20/07/2023 14:07

How much did you dial it down that evening? I think I would have stuck with how it normally would be on a birthday and addressed the behaviour after. My teen acted very spoilt on her recent birthday upsetting her siblings and we didn’t let it detract from the day but we had a very firm conversation about it after and that birthdays aren’t an excuse to be rude to siblings.

Personally I wouldn’t have planned to be travelling on her birthday though as that sounds like a rubbish day

Always4Brenner · 20/07/2023 14:10

M my birthdays growing up after nine were always crap always either going, on holiday or coming back after 12 no cake crap present or as got older nothing.

ManateeFair · 20/07/2023 14:21

surely being at an airport all day isn’t a way to spend your birthday at 15

Oh, give over. She's not a baby. Most kids have to spend their birthday at school, so travelling home from a holiday is hardly the end of the fucking world, is it? At 15 I don't think they have to go out with their friends on their actual birthday. I don't think many families would plan their entire holiday around making sure they weren't travelling on their teenager's birthday.

She's being rude, whiny, self-centred and melodramatic and it's fine to call her out on that behaviour. I certainly don't think her behaviour is unusual for a teenager, they can be absolutely awful at that age, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

GCAcademic · 20/07/2023 14:28

surely being at an airport all day isn’t a way to spend your birthday at 15 ( not supporting her behaviour ) she probably just needs to go out with friends

Yes, think of the years of therapy that are going to be needed because this poor child was taken on holiday by her cold, unfeeling parents. It's one of those cases where the line is blurred in determining whether this constitutes child neglect or abuse.

Honestly, only on MN . . .

BadnessInTheFolds · 20/07/2023 14:30

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