To be so ashamed of myself?

[Rainfull091]

Sorry if a bit evasive but trying not to be outed. I have a low 2/2 degree but regret doing it. I never had the confidence or self esteem to do it and in many ways I feel I shouldn't have been awarded it as I couldn't ever participate in seminars due to lack of confidence and was a trembling wreck when it came to presentations, so it's safe to say it was a fluke that I I it and when I look back at the graduation photos, I feel ashamed and like I am a fraud. My degree was in a area where on reflection, I didn't really need it. I haven't got any further in my career than I would have if I hadn't gone.
I went into a iob for many years which was very low paid and very below below skill set but it worked for me. I got made redundant during covid. Then had to leave another job due to bullying and lack of support from management. Now only doing adhoc temp work and feel so ashamed at myself. I know a lot of colleagues are wondering why I am there with a degree and my family always make digs at me not reaching my full potential.
I'm trying to apply for other things but end up pulling out even if I get to interview stage. I am self conscious of so much. My voice which everyone comments on (odd accent apparently even though I shouldn't have), the fact that I have this degree but have done little with it, the fact that generally, I have nothing to show for my almost 40 years on this planet. No kids, no husband, no successful career. I know I could benefit from counselling but can't afford to go private and the waiting list is horrendous. Everyone else seems so ambitious and confident in themselves. Just feel really upset and ashamed.

MN really needs a edit button. Apologies for typos. Proving my point as to how useless I am.

No you’re not useless. It sounds like you could be depressed? I would visit your GP for some help.

There’s nothing wrong with having a 2.2 degree, not having your dream job, having no having kids or not being married at 40.

You’re being way to hard on yourself. You shouldn’t be ashamed or upset over any of these things. Do you have a family member or friend to talk to?

I don’t have time to reply properly but I’m so sorry you feel so low. You are focusing entirely on your ‘lack’ of achievement, your so-called odd voice and what others supposedly think of you but try to remember that thoughts are not facts.

I hope others will help you explore these feelings more and possibly help you find some ways to consider options for yourself. At the age of less than 40 you have any amount of potential.

My situation is pretty much the same as yours, OP. I left university with a 2.2 and felt so low when everyone else has come through with firsts and 2.1s. I feel like I've never matched up to what everyone expected of me.
We are the age group that were told to go to university - it's a very different story today! You gave it a shot and realised it wasn't for you. Don't look at it as a waste of time, it taught you so much about yourself and even if you aren't using it now, can still open doors for you if you choose to let it. It's better to have it and not need it than the other way round!
Don't be so hard on yourself! You are clearly strong, getting through uni when you aren't thriving can be tough. You clearly have more qualities and skills than you realise at the moment.
Maybe try a hobby? You could be surprised at what you are good at. I hope you start feeling better soon and when you do, everything else will probably fall into place.

Thanks everyone, wasn't expecting these replies but means a lot

Please do not feel like a failure. You have so much to celebrate. You achieved a very respectable degree, despite the fact that you experience a high level of social anxiety. I should imagine that doing the degree was very stressful due to your fear of 'failure' ( I really know this feeling well).

You have also worked hard and it is not your fault that you were made redundant. It is also not your fault that you were bullied (shame on those who did this).

Do you feel a little less anxious doing temporary work? I know I felt less pressure when I was temping. Furthermore, could avoid workplace politics.

When you state that your family make digs at you for not reaching your full potential, I think perhaps this is where your low self esteem is rooted. You are a strong and worthy person, who completed their education, worked and has not done anything that anyone should be ashamed of.

A husband and kids can be great, but they are not necessary to have a rich and fulfilling life. Someone suggested hobbies. Some hobbies can be really fulfilling e.g. working with animals, working for worthwhile charities.

Finally 40 is young, yet you are also old enough to live the life that suits you without anyone else judging your for it. If anyone says you are not fulfilling your potential, say to them that you are a successful, hard-working,
educated and worthy human being. What more could they want?

Read “The Body Keeps The Score.” Seriously. Start there.

Oh looooove, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

First of all, noone gets a 2:2 by accident. You did really well, especially considering that you were so afraid of seminars and presentations. You should feel proud of what you have achieved. You are in no way a fraud.

I think a LOT of people's success honestly comes down to front. I would be willing to bet a lot of money that you haven't had the confidence to put yourself forward for jobs for which you are eminently qualified. You probably really fear rejection, and always think someone else will do a better job than you could. Those thoughts aren't really true, but they are materially crippling your chances. Some of this often comes down to background - people who have grown up working or lower middle class often don't put themselves forward with as much front as those from wealthier backgrounds, often because they've been told repeatedly how they won't amount of anything (there was a very interesting thread about this over the last few days).

It sounds to me like you're also dealing with an extremely undermining family, which can do enormous damage to the self-esteem and confidence of people from any class.

It can be easy when you feel this way to retreat into a limbo - taking work on that is easy, and hiding from everything. But that's not really the way to be happy. It just temporarily dulls the pain. (Doing easy work because you LOVE IT is totally different and affirmative).

I think you would benefit tremendously from a combination of life coaching and counselling, ideally from the same person. There is clearly a mental pattern of thought here that is just destroying you. Please listen to me when I say it doesn't have to be this way and there are much more positive ways in which you can think about yourself that will allow you to take on more.

I can relate to your post. I have a PhD but have never come anywhere close to achieving my potential, for similar reasons of utter confidence shock. Thanks to counselling, I've started going for things. In my early 40s, I'm about to publish my first book with a major popular publisher, I've got a research job, and people are actually inviting me to speak and edit things. You still have loads of time to turn this around. Find some appropriate support, and you will boss this.

Pretend you are just browsing mumsnet and have seen the above post written by "Rainfull091" who you know to be a relative, friend, co-worker. Would you think too right, what a failure, what are they doing their their life, or would you think they are being unnecessarily harsh on themselves? Does anyone deserve to say they are useless because they got a 2:2 degree, or because they left a job due to bullying, or because they have an accent. Or is that just one small facet of their life.

You got that degree despite your difficulties with speaking out etc. That's a massive achievement. The idea that you didn't deserve it is just a nasty story your brain is telling you.

I'd read this to start on immediately:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-Esteem-2nd-behavioural/dp/1472119290/ref=cmcrrarpmbbbdcrb_top?ie=UTF8

I think The Body Keeps the Score can be too heavy. If you want to read something on cPTSD I'd go for Stephanie Foo's book.

Hi OP, I got a 2.2 degree in something that I will never use. The way I think of it is I had a great time at uni, social wise and now have 3 years to look back on during my boring life now! I work (not at present been made redundant) in low paid roles but don't want a more stressful job. I have no idea what any of my ex colleagues got a degree in or what grade they got. It is irrelevant and I can't think that people genuinely think this about you

@givemushypeasachance I do think that some would think this, if not all. I know a lot of my colleagues are perplexed at the fact that I am doing the work I do with a degree. Some have asked me why when 'You can do anything surely'.? Then I feel I have to explain myself and I get embarrassed. I have health issues too which I would go into more but don't want to out myself. With that said, I still think that if I was physically healthy I would be in the same place.
Everyday I feel deep shame.
Most people define success as one or the other. One being married with kids, the other a successful career woman. I am neither. I fit in nowhere and am almost apologetic for my existence. It's unbearably tough.

No experience is ever wasted. This I know, believe me.

Any Uni degree simply proves that you can follow a course of study. For some it leads to a vocation, law, medicine etc. For others, not so at all.

Someone close to me took an arts degree. Left with a 2.1 cos they messed about during first year and basically did their degree in two years!

That person is now holding down a management job in a major well known scientific organisation and is doing well. Climbing the ladder. Arts degree? Science work place? Who would have thought it? Nobody cares or ever queries their degree.

Dont be so hard on yourself. Get yourself out there, only discuss your Uni scenario on a “need to know” basis and not necessarily with (thoughtless) colleagues. Lift up your chin, work hard and very soon with determination you’ll feel so much better. Life is a funny thing. It won’t always be like this.

Hi OP
Firstly it's probably wise to chat to your GP as these feelings might be depression or might even have a physical cause, like a hormonal imbalance or something. Secondly although I'm just a stranger on the Internet, I 100% know that you're not a failure. You finished a degree course, you hold down a job, you have family relationships (even though it sounds like there's issues) and the fact that your colleagues are saying 'you could do anything' tells me they think you have a lot of potential.

If counselling isn't an option, maybe see if you can find a life coach? Some will offer some free sessions and that might help you with the self-limiting thoughts in your head.

A question for you! If you could do absolutely anything for a job, what would you do? What things are preventing you from doing that?

I’m so sorry you feel this way. Maybe worth speaking to GP on how you are feeling as lots of resources out there to help with how you feel.

I don’t know many people who have a job directly linked to their degree but it is likely to have helped in so many ways that aren’t immediately obvious. You have one and that’s brilliant.

Also agree with pp on looking into hobbies. Anything that makes you feel good will work wonders. Just something you enjoy for yourself.

Do you have a friend or family member that you can confide in? Sharing and talking to someone you trust can help.

Was your degree in something like medicine? As I can't figure out why you are placing so much emphasis on it?

I think a lot of people don't do much with their degrees, it's hard when you're 18 and supposedly deciding what you're good at/what you want to peruse. I barely mention my degree on my cv and definitely not that I got a 2:2.

Is there something you think you would like to study now and actually use? Just thinking if you could look at doing a college course or something to gain confidence and help propel your job prospects in another direction?

They meant you can do anything with a degree rather than I am capable of anything.
It's not the right thing to say I know and makes me seem lazy but I don't have a dream job or a career path I desperately want to follow. Not anymore now I have had experience in a certain field which once was my dream job.I have never been interested in climbing the career ladder or being a mum or wife which is what makes me so unusual.
There is a hobby I enjoy which may lead to paid work. I've been told I am talented at it but lots of competition.
I just wish everyday that I could be someone else. Everyone my age is either a mum or doing extremely well in their careers. It's hard to feel OK when so different to others. People say embrace who you are but society looks down on people like me whatever they say.

Getting a 2:2 in a degree that you found really hard is far more impressive to me than sailing through for a 1st. It shows such impressive dedication and hard work!

And so what if you don’t have a job that’s directly linked to your degree? I have an MA and am currently a SAHM and intend to get a job I enjoy when I go back to work. I might not be ‘successful’ in the traditional sense, but you can define what successful means for you. For me, it’s having enough time to spend with my family and not bringing too much work home.

Is having a degree unusual amongst your colleagues? I only ask because my DH was the first person in his family to go to university and his family had quite a skewed view on what a degree meant (and were horrified when he left the career it qualified him for).

I (scrapped) a 2.1. I'm pushing 40 and I'm near the bottom of a tall ladder and nearly all my co-workers in the same grade do not have a degree at all! So you could say that was a waste of time, but I enjoyed uni and my life took a different path because of it and I met different people. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Yes, it is unusual to have a degree where I currently work. I too am the only one in my family to have one.
I am sorry for being so evasive but know it's easy to be outed on here so am being careful with what I say as already I think there are not many nearly 40 somethings in my position so am wary of that.

Society doesn't look down on people who work for a living OP, don't be so hard on yourself. Be proud of your degree, there are plenty who haven't got your level of education, or who can't really be bothered to work. Do your job enough to get your bills paid, and concentrate hard on your hobby. If it takes off great, if not, at least you are doing something you really enjoy, and not burning yourself out in a stressful job.

My SIL is 55, and spent the whole of her 20s as a perpetual student, doing degree after degree and living off her grants. She has never had a job beyond volunteer work, looking after friends’ pets, etc. Pretty sure most people get degrees they never use again, the degree seems to be the important thing rather than the subject.

I think your family saying that you haven’t lived up to your potential is a compliment in a strange kind of way. They’re saying you should have got a higher grade. But surely they should bear some of the responsibility for not trying to boost your confidence?

I did an OU degree and couldn’t face doing the final year so I have an ordinary degree with no grade. I’ve not used it for anything but it was very worthwhile for my personal development and confidence. I too did no presentations and couldn’t speak during the tutorials. I’ve since been diagnosed with Asperger’s….I wish I’d known so that I could have had some support.

Lots of people with degrees have ordinary jobs. My ex has a 2:1 zoology degree and he’s an admin assistant. It’s better that people know that you have a degree and say you could be doing something better, than them thinking you’re doing that job because you’re not capable of anything else. That used to happen all the time when I was a secretary.

You don't sound useless to me.

You sound lost. Do you know yourself? What ARE you good at? Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, it sounds to me like your shyness has held you back and you have lots of untapped talents that you aren't acknowledging.

Are you thoughtful? Analytic? Do you prefer working with people, animals, computers, outdoors?

Honestly, having a partner and kids is OPTIONAL. You don't have to have those in life, people (should) partner up and create a family because that's what THEY want to do, not because it's a social norm. You aren't any less of a person because you haven't chosen to do that.

I also think you're putting others on a peddlestall. Having a well paid job, or a family, or a dedicated hobby doesn't make them anymore sorted than you. Plenty of people with those things have crippling depression, secrets, or have fucked up in other ways.

It sounds to me like you need to think more about what you want and take steps to do that.

There is a hobby I enjoy which may lead to paid work. I've been told I am talented at it.
Here is a great place to start with reframing how you see yourself. I have a degree that has had little to no relevance to anything I've done since other than allow me to apply for jobs that "require a degree" - I've certainly never been asked what class it was.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in anything you've said, it all sounds totally within normal human experience. Try making a list of positives, starting with the above. Stick it somewhere you can read every morning.