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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropping kids off for contact

32 replies

Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 09:35

Ok so I’m just looking for some advice really .
when I speak to people in rl I feel they side with me because they are my friends so honest opinions most welcome .
so bit of background . Ex husband two sons (9 and 13) . Been split for over 7 years.
I drive he does not . I always did the drop offs pick ups as I wanted to keep the peace (I was the one who instigated split)
we used to live about a 20min drive away and he refused to collect as it would be to difficult for him . The children were little so it was easier to just continue to drop them.
I have since moved further away for the last 3 years . Drive now takes an hour via car . Because I moved away I have been doing drop off picks ups but I have recently had another baby with my partner.
with working life and a new baby it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do both drop offs and pick ups as he only has our sons for one night . So drop off is at 12 then we collect at 5pm the following day.

is it unreasonable for me to say he needs to either collect or bring back the children ? Or to meet half way? Everything I read has pointed out that I moved further away so I should be the one to continue to drive them.

AIBU to ask for some input in travelling to and from his home?

OP posts:
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 20/07/2023 12:57

Yes this should have been done when he was 20 mins away but you did choose to move an hour away so if it was me I wouldnt be happy.

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:00

He's had 7 years to learn to drive.

You're not a taxi service. Nor can you be expected to live within 20 minutes of him, indefinitely.

The fact that you initiated the split is totally irrelevant.

Why does he only have them one night? Could he have them for 2 nights. Do 1 journey each?

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 13:03

he works a night shift and has done all this time . He also does a lot of over time (or so he tells me ) so it’s always been a Saturday afternoon / Sunday .

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:10

So he has them for just over 24 hours a week, but only if you drop and collect? Sounds disruptive for the children. What do they think?

Like all parents he needs to make some changes to his work pattern (eg overtime every other weekend).

Child contact arrangements often need to change. It's time that happened here.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/07/2023 13:11

If you moved away then I’d agree it’s your responsibility to facilitate contact. I imagine that’s the way you’d feel if he’d been the one to move a distance away, and it would certainly be the predominant view here if you posted about that situation. In an ideal world he would agree to share the load, but you should couch it as what’s better for your shared DC, not what suits your new partner and a new baby that’s nothing to do with your ex.

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 13:15

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:10

So he has them for just over 24 hours a week, but only if you drop and collect? Sounds disruptive for the children. What do they think?

Like all parents he needs to make some changes to his work pattern (eg overtime every other weekend).

Child contact arrangements often need to change. It's time that happened here.

He only has them for 24 hours every other week and then half of holidays . He has always said he is not willing to change his job/shift pattern .
he is very rigid with this pattern and I have offered to drop to his parents as they are slightly closer (30min drive) but he always refuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 13:17

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/07/2023 13:11

If you moved away then I’d agree it’s your responsibility to facilitate contact. I imagine that’s the way you’d feel if he’d been the one to move a distance away, and it would certainly be the predominant view here if you posted about that situation. In an ideal world he would agree to share the load, but you should couch it as what’s better for your shared DC, not what suits your new partner and a new baby that’s nothing to do with your ex.

This has always been what’s made me do all drop offs pick ups as I wanted a stress free life for my children and for them to see their dad . As if I didn’t he said initially he wouldn’t see them .
maybe you’re right and I need to bite my tongue for another few years

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:18

Do the children enjoy their time with him?

Do you want the break?

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 13:22

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:18

Do the children enjoy their time with him?

Do you want the break?

I don’t need the break no , I really enjoy being with my children especially now their older .
he doesn’t really do anything with them on the weekends he has them due to it being such a short time but he does make plans over holidays and they have a lot of fun then .

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 20/07/2023 13:23

Is it possible for them to get a bus? But tbh it's about time he stepped up. Arrange that he collect and you pick up therefore he can't just refuse to bring them home on a Sunday. If contact doesn't happen then that's his problem. You've made them available.

Flatandhappy · 20/07/2023 13:25

I totally get why it’s hard for you so not unsympathetic but unfortunately yes, you moved further away so it’s on you. In an ideal world you would have a reasonable ex who would be nice and share the load but if you don’t then it would generally be seen that moving was your choice. In a court situation the person who moves would usually be expected to do the driving.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 20/07/2023 13:36

You moved further away and chose to have another baby. He does NOT have to make changes to accommodate your choices.

He sees the dc 26 times a year, I think you can manage that drive. Think of it as a great opportunity to have a captive audience with the dc - talk about school, friends, homework, listen to an audio book etc.

PizzaPastaWine · 20/07/2023 13:36

Is public transport an option?

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:37

Flatandhappy · 20/07/2023 13:25

I totally get why it’s hard for you so not unsympathetic but unfortunately yes, you moved further away so it’s on you. In an ideal world you would have a reasonable ex who would be nice and share the load but if you don’t then it would generally be seen that moving was your choice. In a court situation the person who moves would usually be expected to do the driving.

Just not true. And, even when they were 20 mins away, he didn't do any pick ups.

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 13:37

Does he pay regular child maintenance?

ModestMoon · 20/07/2023 13:52

You moved, so you should do the drive. Its only every other week. Yes it sucks but it's not your kid's fault that you moved and had a baby with someone else.

CurlewKate · 20/07/2023 14:00

Is there a bus or a train?

MaxwellCat · 20/07/2023 14:02

If he had moved you would be told he should be doing all the collecting and dropping off. He would also be told he shouldn't have had a new baby if it meant he wouldn't be able to collect his other kids....

Dotjones · 20/07/2023 14:07

If he'd moved an hour away would you happily have continued to do all the dropoffs and pickups or would you have felt that he had the responsibility because he'd chosen to move?

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 14:10

Thank you everyone for your opinions it’s helped me look at the situation a different way

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

FuckNuggets · 20/07/2023 15:56

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Absolutely this!

Original poster
Hopelesslyn · 20/07/2023 16:01

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Thank you for this . I was starting to think I was asking too much .
he pays maintenance monthly but he made this clear that this is to pay for everything ( clothes , school uniform , school trips , school laptops etc. and no more which I have never asked for more .

OP posts:
DinoMummsy · 20/07/2023 16:41

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

Yep, agree with above. There definitely seems to be a very low bar set for fathers. Got to love how some people just assume everything is automatically the Mum's responsibility, whereas any minimal effort made by the Dad is seen as wonderful. Smh 🙄 I can certainly see why he's an ex - he sounds lazy and entitled.

liveforsummer · 20/07/2023 16:49

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 15:26

He takes responsibility for these children for 1 day every other week. But won't have any part in drop off or pick up and never has.

I would offer him EOW, and I'd offer to collect. It's the least he can do, seeing as he does fuck all else...

What a low standard, people here have for men, that this is any way acceptable.

What financial contribution does he make to these children?

I know, right! So many woman actually defending this shit. The mum who has to plan her entire life and work round her dc and available childcare and and the dad who fits them in around his shifts with no responsibility outside of that one day a week and he gets to sit there while they are brought to him and collected every single week for years and other mums think this is fair. FFS! 🙄