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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband says I am!!

37 replies

jenniejennie · 25/02/2008 20:26

Im having a bad day.

I really don't feel as if I am being argumentative with my husband. I am trying hard not to be. My face might look like "it's been slapped with a wet fish" (husbands favourite description of my moody face) but i'm trying hard not to criticise him or argue. The thing is he seems to have gone slightly mad recently.

Not only has he been emailing a pretty blond girl he had liasons with at university, he also seems to be testing me in every way imaginable. He has announced that he wants to attend an orthodox church where part of the service is in Russian. When I said - perhaps as a comprimise we could go to a normal CoE church on alternate weeks where they sing hymns his response was to say I had started an argument about it and to say "Why do you always try to stop me doing the things I enjoy?"

He has also announced that after 2 months of intensive weight loss he wants to start taking whey powder and "bulk up" again. Last time he did this I distincly remember him being moody and slightly agressive losing his temper easily, also I just dont want him to put on two stones of muscle and end up with a neck bigger than his head.

He also goes Thai Boxing and asked me "will I still be able to go Thai Boxing and enter a competition when the baby is born" when I replied that I wasnt sure he lost his temper and then rang his mum who said "of course you will darling".

Im sure this is a very biased account of things and im sure I am more emotional at the moment. I do feel quite agressive a lot of the time at the moment but I am putting such a lot of effort into trying not to start arguments its unreal. He says I dont like any of his hobbies but its not just that. Admitedly I dont share any of them and I feel they are all rather extreme and attention seeking but I dont want him to stop doing them. I try to comprimise or answer his questions honestly even where I dont agree with what he wants to do but he interprets that as me trying to stop him doing things.

I told him that emailing the pretty blong girl upset me and that he needed to reassure me, he did this by changing his email password so I couldnt read his emails. Reassuring....

How can I work out if it is me being hormonal and argumentative or him having some kind of "trying to hold onto his youth/ trying to keep his freedom/seeing how far he can push me" ie TanTrum!!!

OP posts:

colditz · 25/02/2008 20:28

YABU o argue with him about his choice of church, and whether he can go to Thai boxing.

YANBU to be pissed off about the hot blonde.

lizandlulu · 25/02/2008 20:30

it sounds like it is most definately more him than you! he should stop being so moody and stroppy if you are pregnant!

is this your first child?

lizandlulu · 25/02/2008 20:33

i dont think YABU about the church and wanting to go together. even to suggest alternate weeks is far more than i would do tbh!

Original poster

jenniejennie · 25/02/2008 20:35

Yes it's my first child.

I honestly didnt argue with him about the church I just said that it would be nice if we could go to one I like one week and one he likes the next but as im not religious at all he thinks that is a silly idea. I only really enjoy the atmosphere and the hymn singing!!

Husband wants to have his first proper competition thai boxing fight three weeks after the baby is born, half way accross the country. I just felt that maybe with a newborn in the house it might be a bit difficult for him to get away and he should be staying at home to help. And I didnt say he couldnt go just that I wasnt sure it would be that easy. Wrong answer!!

OP posts:

ratbunny · 25/02/2008 20:38

he sounds a bit tetchy to me. Do you think he is worried about the being a dad and how his life might change?

RedJools · 25/02/2008 20:40

I don't think YABU at all!! It sounds like he is behaving a bit oddly! Why does he suddenly want to attend this church? Is it something he used to do but hasn't for a while, or is it a completely random thing? I kind of understand about the thai boxing- I encouraged dh to get a motorbike when i was pregnant with dd1- he was glum like "oh well, can't do that now" and I didn't want him to associate the baby with the end of the things he wanted IYSWIM. Is this your first baby? I think it can be quite a scary prospect for guys, more than they admit, which might explain why he's trying to be "young" again, what with blonde/ building himself up. I would be tempted to reassure him that he can still have his hobbies, and you don't really care if he wants to look like he-man. But the blond has to go.

beaniesteve · 25/02/2008 20:41

Is he religious? Why a russian orthodox church?

Why were you reading his emails?

Still - I think it's a bit weird he's mailing another woman but would you be as pissed off if she was a dowdy brunette rather than a pretty blonde girl?

Not sure about the thai boxing thing, will he be away long? Is it his first child? Maybe he just feels more relaxed about having a baby?

lizandlulu · 25/02/2008 20:42

i think ratbunny has hit it on the head. i think most men feel like this, just others show it more.

maybe going with him to the boxing wouldnt be as bad as you think. at 3 weeks, you will probably feel as if you have been a mother forever!
although i can see how him going to training or whatever would piss me off!

Kimi · 25/02/2008 20:45

YANBU he is being an arsehole!

WallOfSilence · 25/02/2008 20:45

Um..he changed his email password so you couldn't read them anymore.... why were you sneaking & reading them in the first place!

He shouldn't be chasing a blonde though!!

GerrardWinstanley · 25/02/2008 20:45

have you thought that maybe he has already started taking that whey powder stuff again? Just wondering..........

lizandlulu · 25/02/2008 20:47

if jenniejennie was suspicious then i think she shoud have checked his emails, i would have done too, especially if confronting him would have been unpredictable, surely if he has nothing to hide, whats the problem?

Divastrop · 25/02/2008 20:51

why do you have to go with him to church?if you arent religious then whats the point in you going?

as for the boxing thing,fair enough,you said you didnt know,which was an honest answer.you dont know how you are going to feel after you have the baby,so you cant really let him know untill then.

as for the blonde thingy,i think you should tell him that is 100% unacceptable.

YANBU.unreasonable is when you tell your oh he isn't 'allowed' to interact with any women atall,or even watch a film that may have boobies in.that is what i was like when i was pregnant with my dd3(just to give you some perpective)

beaniesteve · 25/02/2008 20:51

I would never read my boyfriend's emails or try to go onto his facebook account etc.

...and I wouldn't expect him to read mine!

IamTheSpeedingHam · 25/02/2008 20:51

so the guy who is internet fucking thehot blonde wants to go to an orthodox church? he does know that just becuase its harder to understand he wont get into heven doesn't he?

tell him he can go wherever he likes your nothis keeper or his siamese twin.

you are his life partner and mother of his child and by virtue of these positions in his life you expect to beteated with more dignity.

tell him as long as he can work ( presumably) train for a fight and change nappies and help around the house - you have no problem.

he sounds like he is 10 years old

Divastrop · 25/02/2008 20:53

email checking is one of the 7 deadly sins of MN

Original poster

jenniejennie · 25/02/2008 20:53

He seems to like to do hobbies which might get him attention (one of four boys always fighting for mums attention) he often gets new hobbies, goes full steam into them then thinks of something new to get obsessed with. He gets angry when I say that it is his craze of the week and tells me he is serious.

Re checking his emails I just happened to look at the computer one night when he was on facebook and noticed he was having a conversation backwards and forwards with this girl. Made me a bit jittery so I logged on later to read it. Thing is I then asked him whether he had put any kisses in his message and he said no (lie no 1) he also sent me a random message which he said "oh sorry that was meant for random male friend" (lie no 2)when i logged on he had also sent message to her, not a boy. The messages werent bad apart from that it just made me uncomfortable, especially as he had told me a couple of small fibs. I calmly had a conversation about how it was making me feel and tried calmly to tell him how he could reassure me. Then he promptly changed his password - dont blame him but since then I have been more jittery and my mind is going overboard thinking what on earth they are talking about that he needed to change password.

I have tried telling him that im not trying to stop him going to church or thai boxing. As he works shifts though we dont get many evenings and weekends together so its hard when we do get one and he decides to go out for one of his hobbies. I really dont moan though. But I am quite agressive sometimes so my communication skills arent always the best.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 25/02/2008 20:54

Go with him. tell him if he wants to go to church then you think you should do it together as a family.

VictorianSqualor · 25/02/2008 20:56

Facebook isn't allowed at church so he will have to do one of the other.
They correctly disallow worshipping or canoodling with the Devil.

lizandlulu · 25/02/2008 20:58

jenniejennie, you have my sympathy. my dh is the same when it comes to hobbies.
tomorrow he is starting the gym, so NEEDS fancy jogging bottoms, last month he atrted to go shooting so needed all the camoflage gear, before that it was fishing so neede 5 rods.

we both do banger racing and whe i was pregnant i had to give up, but he didnt stop, slow down, or spend anymore time at home, and it does piss you off and make you feel as if they dont want to be a family

dizzydixies · 25/02/2008 20:58

I poosted on this in your thread in pg and am very pleased everyone else thinks he is being an arse too - too tired to type it all out again but you're welcome to read my opinion over there

lizandlulu · 25/02/2008 21:01

have read it dizzy, well said

Original poster

jenniejennie · 25/02/2008 21:02

beaniesteve I went with him to the church last weekend, it is a church started for polish people and 1/3 of service is in russian, 1/3 in polish and 1/3 in english. The service lasts three hours but the incense made me feel so ill after an hour that we left. But he doesnt just want to go to church, it has to be this particular church.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 25/02/2008 21:05

lizanslulu thank you was worried had offended op but no response, was relieved to find it on here too

jenniejennie - am sorry to ask again but whats the russian link? do you speak russian?

Original poster

jenniejennie · 25/02/2008 21:10

dizzy - just read your other message, thanks for that, I moved the message cos I thought it was in the wrong place!

No we dont bldy speak russian! Or Polish! Apparently he thinks the language doesnt matter. Its a spiritual thing. He is dissolutioned with the Church of England as they have lost their way and are all wishy washy, he wants an extreme church. I cant explain it, he keeps telling I dont understand.

Fishing was craze of the week at christmas, jogging was last summer until he hurt his knee. Going to the gym has come round before and looks like it is coming back. Most of the time I find it funny but he lost his temper with me finding it funny so I have nowher to go now!!

OP posts:

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