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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cheating partner over the years

48 replies

Babynum1 · 18/07/2023 23:40

This is my first time posting and I don't really know where to start.

I have been with DP for 8 years, we have a beautiful child together and he is overall a good father, just a really shitty partner.
In the beginning of our relationship he would block my number on a Friday and unblock me Sunday morning - massive red flag but I was young and naive at the time and thought I was so in love with this man. Over the course of 5 years I would find frequent messages on his phone to a string of different women asking to go for drinks and sex afterwards etc, when confronted about this he says they were just "friends" and made it out to be in my head, by this point I had had enough and decided to leave. When I left him I remember feeling so free I was in a great place mentally and physically.

After 6 months apart we got back in touch and decided we would meet for a catch up and some drinks we didn't live near to each other so stayed in a hotel somewhere in the middle - this obviously ended in us having sex and rekindling the relationship.
He came to live with me shortly after this but would work away through the week and soon after I became pregnant we were both made up about this.

When I was 4 months pregnant I found he had been seeing a girl while he was working away, I confronted him about this and he to this day says that nothing ever happened and they were just friends, yet messages between her saying how good he looks in his work clothes with hot emojis etc. I felt guilty for wanting to leave so stayed again, stupidly.
fast forward to 8 months pregnant, he goes out with his friends and I don't hear anything from him until 10am the following morning, I look through his phone a few days later and on his internet browser history was a Escort website for the evening he was out. Heartbroken but desperate to make my little family work I stayed.
baby is born happy and healthy and things are great for a few months. He has his work Christmas party and meets and girl, again I find her number in his phone and conversations between them. I left and stayed with my mum for a few weeks.
There was no more incidents and things were good, he missed his family and wanted to move home, so me and baby moved to where he is from.
Recently he went on a trip to Thailand and last night I found a Thai number in his phone the WhatsApp picture was a female. I decided to message them pretending to be him and get confirmation what had happened and I was right, cheated again with a Thai prostitute. Unbelievable.

I'm at the point where I'm just so over it, our relationship has been toxic for a few weeks now lots of nit picking and arguing, I'm so fed up and really feel like he has chipped away at every piece of me over the last 8 years, I am a total shadow of my former self.

I want to leave him, but if I do it would mean me going back home which is a few hours away and I feel so guilty about potentially damaging his and our baby's relationship.

so what would you do?

sorry for the long post I didn't want to drip

OP posts:
joyfulten · 18/07/2023 23:55

You need to put you and baby first, sounds like that means going home. It will be tough at first but then it will get easier and you will feel so much lighter. Sending you strength.

AuntMarch · 18/07/2023 23:57

Go home. It is not your actions damaging their relationship, it is his. He can move closer to you if he wants to minimise that damage.

Also, get tested.

AllAboardTootToot · 18/07/2023 23:58

Quite simply, fuck him! Move home and never, ever get into a relationship with this guy again.

You have been his door mat but you have another life to think about now, that’s not healthy to bring your child up in, Christ it’s not healthy for you.

Leave and never look back. He ruined the relationship with his child, not you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 23:58

Its shocking you've stayed as long as you have, but we'll done for realising this needs to change - it's his behaviors that's causing the break up, not yours. You've given him more than enough issues and you know he isn't going to change his ways.

Go to your mums if it feels like the best place for support with baby (I did after my ex left me while pregnant) and then think longer term about where in the country you want to live after that. Reach out to your friends. You'll feel so different right now but there are many women in similar positions to you. There is a girl I know through wider social circles who made a similar discovery and was scared to leave him due to shame, but all any of us think of what a scumbag her ex is and what a strong and classy woman she is for dealing with her life and kids so well.
Good luck x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 23:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 23:58

Its shocking you've stayed as long as you have, but we'll done for realising this needs to change - it's his behaviors that's causing the break up, not yours. You've given him more than enough issues and you know he isn't going to change his ways.

Go to your mums if it feels like the best place for support with baby (I did after my ex left me while pregnant) and then think longer term about where in the country you want to live after that. Reach out to your friends. You'll feel so different right now but there are many women in similar positions to you. There is a girl I know through wider social circles who made a similar discovery and was scared to leave him due to shame, but all any of us think of what a scumbag her ex is and what a strong and classy woman she is for dealing with her life and kids so well.
Good luck x

More than enough *chances that should say'

kayserah · 18/07/2023 23:59

Hope you can find the strength to leave this man. You say it’s been toxic for a few weeks, it’s been toxic forever. He’s setting such a bad example for your child.

Morewineplease10 · 19/07/2023 00:06

Yep, echo PP. Toxic from the get go because HE is toxic.

You owe it to yourself and your baby to get the hell out ASAP.

Original poster
Babynum1 · 19/07/2023 00:14

Thank you for you're replies, it's comforting to have your support.

My feelings for him have changed over the years as you would expect given the circumstances. When I saw it the last time I wasn't even particularly bothered and I think that speaks volumes doesn't it, I have no feeling towards him anymore I'm just trying to suss out the dynamic of how I'm going to make everything work moving forward.

OP posts:
easilydistracted1 · 19/07/2023 00:28

I'm a little confused about whether you have had the baby or not. If you haven't go home now as it saves future conflict about whether you've moved away with the baby without warning. If you have had baby then discuss with him amicably about moving home. Is he definitely interested in being a father? He seems to be living like he's single and you deserve better as does your child

MissedItByThisMuch · 19/07/2023 00:36

Go home, get away from this arsehole, and never go back to him. And get yourself some counselling to address your poor self esteem and lack of boundaries. This man doesn’t care about anyone but himself, that will not make him a good father - do your baby and yourself a favour and away from him.

Original poster
Babynum1 · 19/07/2023 00:36

@easilydistracted1 yes have had the baby he is almost 2 and is very aware of everything. Baby's dad is very hands on with him and baby is obsessed with him, Dad can't leave the room for a minute without tears and tantrums. He has unfortunately always lived a single life while I work, run the house and provide childcare. I'm lucky with my job I'm able to compress my hours into 2/3 days a week. Our child goes to nursery which he has recently settled into and enjoys going. I'm just so stressed about uprooting mine and my sons life.

OP posts:
MissedItByThisMuch · 19/07/2023 00:37

*get away from him

Original poster
Babynum1 · 19/07/2023 00:39

I was never the type to let a man walk all over me, it's just been such a long drawn out process. I was so confident once upon a time, it makes me so sad that I have allowed this to happen.

OP posts:
ThankTwixItsFriday · 19/07/2023 00:39

I’d move and leave it up to him to work out the logistics of how he can still see the baby. He hasn’t considered you or your baby throughout, so you owe the arsehole nothing. I can’t imagine how he can be a good dad when he is finding the time to hook up with all of these random women. He sounds a dreadful role model.

toffeeappleglow · 19/07/2023 00:44

Your partner doesn't care enough about your child to be decent to that child's mother. Don't let your child grow up with this disgusting creature as an example. Get away from him as soon as possible.

CallieQ · 19/07/2023 00:46

This man is never going to change, he has treated you so badly. Leave him now

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/07/2023 00:47

Are you kidding?! You really want this human excrement influencing your child and inflicting his misogyny on him or her???

What did I just read?! Read it again yourself and it will become very clear.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2023 00:50

Get yourself STD tested.

Leave this sorry excuse for a man.

Move back to your mother.

If he's the great father you think he is, he'll make the effort to see the baby.

If not, you're both well shot.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2023 00:52

The LO will settle in a new nursery and get used to not having his pathetic father there on a daily basis.

At 2, babies are very flexible.

thebestyoucanhopefor · 19/07/2023 05:32

You will damage your child if you don't leave!

Don't bring your child up in an unhappy Horne!

Murdoch1949 · 19/07/2023 06:34

You must go home, divorce your husband and begin to rebuild your life. You have wasted several years with him. He has put your sexual health at risk by sleeping around and using sex workers. You must protect yourself and you must provide a safe and secure home for your child. This man is not going to change. When, when you leave he will promise you the earth - I'll change, you can check my phone, I won't play away - all lies. Please, please leave him. You deserve much better.

CrispsnDips · 19/07/2023 06:39

Your circumstances sound exactly like mine…I went back home to my mum’s with my six year old daughter and then met a man who was totally committted. That was 26 years ago…

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/07/2023 06:39

This has got to be a wind up. Nobody is this much of a mug.

CrispsnDips · 19/07/2023 07:43

My ex and the father of my oldest daughter is now 60 and still ‘plays the field’ when he can, despite having a long term partner…some people won’t change…

Takenoprisoner · 19/07/2023 08:13

I'm so glad you've decided to leave op. Do you have family and friends to support emotionally and with logistics of moving, finding a place?

I'm so sorry this man has treated you so so badly. He doesn't even bother to hide his cheating anymore. He's been putting your health at risk with his cheating for years. I would class that as abuse. Get an STI.

Your baby will be fine, especially when you're back on your feet and getting your life back. How old are you?

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