Cheating partner over the years

[Babynum1]

This is my first time posting and I don't really know where to start.

I have been with DP for 8 years, we have a beautiful child together and he is overall a good father, just a really shitty partner.
In the beginning of our relationship he would block my number on a Friday and unblock me Sunday morning - massive red flag but I was young and naive at the time and thought I was so in love with this man. Over the course of 5 years I would find frequent messages on his phone to a string of different women asking to go for drinks and sex afterwards etc, when confronted about this he says they were just "friends" and made it out to be in my head, by this point I had had enough and decided to leave. When I left him I remember feeling so free I was in a great place mentally and physically.

After 6 months apart we got back in touch and decided we would meet for a catch up and some drinks we didn't live near to each other so stayed in a hotel somewhere in the middle - this obviously ended in us having sex and rekindling the relationship.
He came to live with me shortly after this but would work away through the week and soon after I became pregnant we were both made up about this.

When I was 4 months pregnant I found he had been seeing a girl while he was working away, I confronted him about this and he to this day says that nothing ever happened and they were just friends, yet messages between her saying how good he looks in his work clothes with hot emojis etc. I felt guilty for wanting to leave so stayed again, stupidly.
fast forward to 8 months pregnant, he goes out with his friends and I don't hear anything from him until 10am the following morning, I look through his phone a few days later and on his internet browser history was a Escort website for the evening he was out. Heartbroken but desperate to make my little family work I stayed.
baby is born happy and healthy and things are great for a few months. He has his work Christmas party and meets and girl, again I find her number in his phone and conversations between them. I left and stayed with my mum for a few weeks.
There was no more incidents and things were good, he missed his family and wanted to move home, so me and baby moved to where he is from.
Recently he went on a trip to Thailand and last night I found a Thai number in his phone the WhatsApp picture was a female. I decided to message them pretending to be him and get confirmation what had happened and I was right, cheated again with a Thai prostitute. Unbelievable.

I'm at the point where I'm just so over it, our relationship has been toxic for a few weeks now lots of nit picking and arguing, I'm so fed up and really feel like he has chipped away at every piece of me over the last 8 years, I am a total shadow of my former self.

I want to leave him, but if I do it would mean me going back home which is a few hours away and I feel so guilty about potentially damaging his and our baby's relationship.

so what would you do?

sorry for the long post I didn't want to drip

I’m glad you have woken up to the fact that you need to leave.

Focus on the logistics of getting you and your child out for now.

When you get out get some counselling and try to work out why your self esteem is so low that you think you deserve this kind of behaviour. Nothing about this is good. You should have called time on this years ago but what’s done is done. You now know which is great. Good luck.

I agree! Bloody hell

Your son will grow up thinking it’s normal and will be just like his dad.

Leave. You shouldn’t have had a baby with a guy like that but that part is done now. Raise your standards and do better. Love isn’t a good enough reason to live a shit life.

I have a friend whos mum stayed with a cheating husband (my friends dad) after cheating so that the family wasnt broken up. My friend resented their mum for this decision, hated their dad for the obvious cheating and has never had a relationship as an adult because of the mess they witnessed growing up. So please don't always assume that staying is for the best

When I left him I remember feeling so free I was in a great place mentally and physically

Remember this? You need to split up. He will never change his cheating ways. Because he feels entitled to do whatever he wants. He only thinks of himself.

Be brave and you will find a whole new happy life away from this awful man.

This ^^

put yourself and your baby first NOW while you still have a baby, because as soon as they’re school age it will be so much harder as they will have friendships etc. Take it from someone who knows.

Have a think about your own self-esteem. What has happened that would make you think that being with someone like this is ok? Why do you deserve to be treated so poorly? It's really sad.

The most confusing part of this post is when you describe this man's more recent cheating as unbelievable, when it seems very predictable. Please choose yourself and leave him - you deserve happiness and he doesn't offer that.

I’m so glad you know you need to leave. This is horrendous behaviour from him and he has no respect for you. I can’t believe you’ve tolerated it for so long. Men like this never change their ways.

You need to think about yourself and your son. He’s so little he won’t have any memory of this, you can start afresh and move on with your life.

Reach out to people who care about you for support. This just sounds such a sad life. This pathetic man doesn’t like or respect you at all. Get away while you can. There are positive stories here of people doing that and changing their lives for the better.

How worried has he been about damaging his relationship with his child?

You can either leave, and have to deal with any stress of uprooting your lives. Or you can stay, and have to accept that your partner will always cheat on you and show you no respect. If you're going to stay you can't delude yourself that this idiot man loves you.

If I was you I would leave. Yes, it will be hard and stressful and your child.might feel unsettled for a while. But then your child won't have to spend rest of their childhood watching their mother be treated like dirt. The last thing you want is your child growing up thinking that they way your partner treats you is acceptable.

I'm sorry you are going through this. 😞

The only thing you need to be careful about is that you can't just move your child away without his agreement or the court deciding. I hope you can agree something calmly as this is no kind of life.

Could just be the? You've spent all your energy and time focusing on the child, and he feels neglected, therefore. he's around.

A good father creates a happy and stable home with his childs mother, which does not leave room for hook ups at Xmas parties, affairs and paying sex workers.

He is the absolute antithesis of a good dad, believe me. Do your son a favour and show him what stability is......that is you calm, collected and not living in wait for the next bombshell.

Are you dead from the neck up?!

He was cheating from day one, way before the baby, to the point where they split up as a result.

God forbid a man simply be a cheating lying arsehole who tries to stick his dick into a woman at the first chance he gets.....oh no! It must be the womans fault for neglecting the poor wee lamb.

For fucks sake! I cannot believe that there are still women who pedal this narrative of the poor man cant help himself, you must have neglected him. Oh and the old bullshit trope of "a happy man never strays". Someone really did a number on you didnt they?!

I know it’s natural to blame ourselves but you have nothing to feel bad about.
He has lost his son not you taking him away .

If you were my Dd I would want you home ASAP!
You need support and to be as far away from
him as possible .
He seems to have loads of time and money . So…. You will see how much he cares about his child when you move away . Wether he makes the effort or not . Don’t be guilt tripped this scum bag won’t change .

If you haven't already, you need to get a full std screening including HIV.

There are issues with Thai sex workers and hiv. They are also issues with super strains of other STDs that don't respond well to antibiotics. Nowhere is good but it's one of the worst places for these issues, probably due to being a developing, impoverished country with lack of money for hiv prevention and treatment medication etc.

On the main topic, good fathers don't risk their child's mother's mental and physical health. They don't repeatedly make her upset and distressed and affect her ability to be the main carer for her child as a happy, stable, confident person.

He is really not your partner. That bit is a figment if your imagination.

You, however, are very much his bangmaid.

My exh was like this. Cheated constantly. 21 years of it. Left him March 2021, he had a new gf April, he coerced me, financially abused, mentally abused me.
gaslight and lied to everyone, even after we split.

he will never stop. From experience. Good dad or not. Get out now.
i ended up with complex ptsd, trauma therapy and meds I still struggle.

pop me a message if you want ❤️

you can do this x

My friends exh said she didn’t pay him enough attention so he left her.

their baby has Down’s syndrome…

entitled or what

He is not a good father. That’s one of the first untruths you need to get your head around to make this easier. Good fathers do not treat their children’s mothers worse than dirt. Protect your daughter from having anymore exposure to this scum bag than strictly necessary and get out of there. You and he are modelling relationships for her and all she will learn is that it’s acceptable for men to mistreat her.