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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my financial situation secret from best friend

46 replies

Artgalleryloner · 18/07/2023 21:04

I have a best friend of 17 years, she’s been my rock through hard times and I’ve been there for her in the same way. We tell each other everything, there is nothing unsaid between us. She is like family to me.
We met whilst she was doing her degree and I’d just got a job in a grad scheme, when we went out for coffee, lunches etc I’d always get the bill as I knew I had more exposable income than she did on a student loan.
There was a few years in the friendship where we both worked in similar paid jobs and the bills at cafes ect would alternate fairly between us.
Around 7 years ago my friend decided to quit full time work - her out goings are very very few she doesn’t pay rent/mortgage utilities etc. As a result she has lots of free time and lives a relaxing lifestyle, she’s happy I’m genuinely pleased for her and supportive. However I have noticed I am paying for all the trips out again.

I am currently in the process of buying a house outright with no mortgage, and for the first time I feel uneasy about telling her something, AIBU to keep it a secret?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 18/07/2023 21:06

Stop paying for everything, when you plan something just say "do you mind if we spilt the bill for xxxx? I'm buying a house so need to save every penny!"

redskytwonight · 18/07/2023 21:06

Surely you just say you're buying a house and don't go into the exact details of how you can afford it?

And I'd point out that you're doing all the paying these days. If your friend can't afford to pay, maybe you need to start going for walks and chats instead.

WestOfWestminster · 18/07/2023 21:08

Why would how you are financing your house even come up?

Original poster
Artgalleryloner · 18/07/2023 21:13

shes watched me save for years for a deposit - now due to windfall a mortgage is not needed, she asks how the house buying situation is going in a supportive way! We are both open books with each other, will discuss finances with ease

OP posts:
CC4712 · 18/07/2023 21:20

We are both open books with each other, will discuss finances with ease WHY?

Do you not have anything private in your life? Are you both single? Why are your personal finances HER business? Regardless, just say 'todays lunch is your treat as I've paid for all the others' OR 'I'll pay for my own this time' and leave her to pay for her own.

Takenoprisoner · 18/07/2023 21:25

You sound passive in all this. 'I have noticed that I'm paying for all the trips out again.' It doesn't need to be this way. Say you need to budget for new house and will need to do free things. Picnics, walks.

As an aside, I don't share financial information with anyone, and there's no need to except with a partner or husband. Even with the best Will in the world, sometimes resentment can set in where There's disparity.

itsmyp4rty · 18/07/2023 21:27

I would just be completely open about the whole situation with not needing a mortgage. She doesn't have a mortgage to pay either and she's choosing not to work so it's not a reason for you to pay for everything.

How do you end up paying? Surely you must be offering for it to keep happening. I would just stop offering or let her get her coffee first and say you're still trying to decide what you want - giving her time to pay for hers. If a bill comes from a restaurant say 'I'll put in a bit extra as i had an extra drink' so it's obvious you're splitting, or just wait for her to offer.

SummaLuvin · 18/07/2023 21:32

CC4712 · 18/07/2023 21:20

We are both open books with each other, will discuss finances with ease WHY?

Do you not have anything private in your life? Are you both single? Why are your personal finances HER business? Regardless, just say 'todays lunch is your treat as I've paid for all the others' OR 'I'll pay for my own this time' and leave her to pay for her own.

Of course OP doesn’t have to discuss her private life, but many people share personal things with close friends. Not sure why this often befuddles MN.

poetryandwine · 18/07/2023 21:55

I like your user name, OP.

We were lucky enough, for personal reasons, to pay off the mortgage on our first house early and not to need one since then. We tried to stay quiet but did not lie. Some of the reactions were unexpected and not pretty. I think discretion is a good idea.

OsirisservesAnubis · 18/07/2023 22:09

CC4712 · 18/07/2023 21:20

We are both open books with each other, will discuss finances with ease WHY?

Do you not have anything private in your life? Are you both single? Why are your personal finances HER business? Regardless, just say 'todays lunch is your treat as I've paid for all the others' OR 'I'll pay for my own this time' and leave her to pay for her own.

Why should she have to keep it a secret?

I've a few friends I discuss this sort of info with, and they with me. DH also has some trusted friends he'll discuss it with.

I don't understand why talking finances with good friends is so frowned upon on Mumsnet.

Iloveacurry · 18/07/2023 22:15

How can she afford not to work, and not have many bills, rent, etc?

Thecarlady · 18/07/2023 22:20

How does the you paying for everything happen?
does she just sit there not getting any money out etc?

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/07/2023 22:25

Iloveacurry · 18/07/2023 22:15

How can she afford not to work, and not have many bills, rent, etc?

Because the Op pays for her social life!

Codlingmoths · 18/07/2023 22:29

You aren’t open books with each other, because she assumes she can choose not to work and still go out with you because you will just pay for both of you, while it’s annoying you. Why does she think this is ok?

Endlesssummer2022 · 18/07/2023 22:30

There’s no need to tell her this. No good will come if it.

Abouttimemum · 18/07/2023 22:37

Next time you’re out just suggest splitting the bill, no drama. No clue how you’d fall into playing for everything all the time anyway!

Abouttimemum · 18/07/2023 22:37

*paying!

UsingChangeofName · 18/07/2023 22:38

I'm confused as to why you are paying for her.

If she is in a financially sound position to the extent that she is choosing not to work, then she can afford to either buy her own things, or to take turns with you to treat each other.

I don't see that as connected with you buying a house, or how you are buying a house. It is just a normal dynamic in a friendship.

Whether you want to tell her about how you are financing your house or not has nothing to do with her scrounging off you every time you go out. I wouldn't, but I think personal finance is just that - personal - and I wouldn't tell anyone else that level of detail, and I wouldn't ask anyone else either., but if you are the sort of person who wants to, I still don't see why you are buying her lunches.

drpet49 · 18/07/2023 22:39

CC4712 · 18/07/2023 21:20

We are both open books with each other, will discuss finances with ease WHY?

Do you not have anything private in your life? Are you both single? Why are your personal finances HER business? Regardless, just say 'todays lunch is your treat as I've paid for all the others' OR 'I'll pay for my own this time' and leave her to pay for her own.

Eh? Finances isn’t a dirty little secret that should be hidden from the world. What a bizarre viewpoint.

plasticwallet · 18/07/2023 22:41

Is it because you don't want to say you have no mortgage? I don't really understand, do you think she will be upset?

plasticwallet · 18/07/2023 22:42

Of course OP doesn’t have to discuss her private life, but many people share personal things with close friends. Not sure why this often befuddles MN.

It's one of those only on MNs things

Noicant · 18/07/2023 22:44

A good friend wouldn’t just let you pay.

clairea123 · 18/07/2023 22:44

There’s two separate issues here that don’t need to be interlinked

  1. you’re not happy paying for lunches/socialising all the time anymore. Stop paying and as pp suggests, just pay for yourself each and every time. So when the bill comes and it’s £50- say I’ll pop £25 on my card and you pay the rest. No issue and I’m sure there’s other people in your life you have this arrangement with. You don’t need a confrontation or a big conversation about it.
  2. the mortgage/ house- up to you really whether you tell her. When you unconnect the two things it’s simpler to then tell or not tell depending on your friendship- especially as it wouldn’t effect you paying or not.
MichelleScarn · 18/07/2023 22:45

Around 7 years ago my friend decided to quit full time work - her out goings are very very few she doesn’t pay rent/mortgage utilities etc. As a result she has lots of free time and lives a relaxing lifestyle,
As per pp she sounds the wealthy one!

Noicant · 18/07/2023 22:46

Btw it’s irrelevant if you paid off your mortgage or not. I have friends who are millionaires, I’d be mortified at not paying my own way, I have never expected them to pay for me.

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