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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my financial situation secret from best friend

46 replies

Artgalleryloner · 18/07/2023 21:04

I have a best friend of 17 years, she’s been my rock through hard times and I’ve been there for her in the same way. We tell each other everything, there is nothing unsaid between us. She is like family to me.
We met whilst she was doing her degree and I’d just got a job in a grad scheme, when we went out for coffee, lunches etc I’d always get the bill as I knew I had more exposable income than she did on a student loan.
There was a few years in the friendship where we both worked in similar paid jobs and the bills at cafes ect would alternate fairly between us.
Around 7 years ago my friend decided to quit full time work - her out goings are very very few she doesn’t pay rent/mortgage utilities etc. As a result she has lots of free time and lives a relaxing lifestyle, she’s happy I’m genuinely pleased for her and supportive. However I have noticed I am paying for all the trips out again.

I am currently in the process of buying a house outright with no mortgage, and for the first time I feel uneasy about telling her something, AIBU to keep it a secret?

OP posts:

ikno · 18/07/2023 22:46

I don’t understand how you’re close enough to tell her about your finances, but simultaneously not close enough to her to ask her to split the bill

Rosefer · 18/07/2023 22:46

Holiday on friday- my childs passport is expired … UK passport . Any suggestions? Will call passport office tomorrow

Rosefer · 18/07/2023 22:47

Oops

Endlesssummer2022 · 18/07/2023 22:48

ikno · 18/07/2023 22:46

I don’t understand how you’re close enough to tell her about your finances, but simultaneously not close enough to her to ask her to split the bill

This.

Original poster

Artgalleryloner · 18/07/2023 22:52

Iloveacurry · 18/07/2023 22:15

How can she afford not to work, and not have many bills, rent, etc?

Can’t really give the details as it’s too outing, but the important bits are she’s rent/mortgage free and has no utilities, she also has no dependants. The money she earns working a few hours a week is just for some food and fun

OP posts:

Original poster

Artgalleryloner · 18/07/2023 22:54

Thecarlady · 18/07/2023 22:20

How does the you paying for everything happen?
does she just sit there not getting any money out etc?

Yes kind of, she has less money than me. We’re really close so I don’t mind paying more but would be nice for her to offer now and again.

OP posts:

ThereIsThat · 18/07/2023 22:56

You sound so passive. Why would you let this get to a point where you feel the need to make a MN thread about it. Why would sit there and pay when you don't want too and to keep doing it is daft.

Why do you think you keep paying? Are you afraid that she will think you are mean or do you think she won't want to hang out with you?

Im fairly sure I'm usually the most well off out of my friendship group but it's never crossed my mind that I should be paying for them! I like to think they value my friendship not my money

Original poster

Artgalleryloner · 18/07/2023 22:57

plasticwallet · 18/07/2023 22:41

Is it because you don't want to say you have no mortgage? I don't really understand, do you think she will be upset?

Partly, home ownership probably won’t be possible for her.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 18/07/2023 22:58

Definitely do not tell her, there is a reason why you feel you don’t want to tell her. It’s not that you are being secretive, some things are just private and this is one of them.

Starlightstarbright2 · 18/07/2023 23:04

You are very open with each other yet you haven’t discussed why she isn’t paying her share of the bills ?

UsingChangeofName · 18/07/2023 23:07

Yes kind of, she has less money than me. We’re really close so I don’t mind paying more but would be nice for her to offer now and again.

Well yes. She has less money than you because she has chosen to give up work, or to only work a few hours.
If you chose to give up work, you'd have less money than here
as to why you think this means you should pay for her.

If I stop work tomorrow, I am choosing to have less disposable income. That doesn't mean I would expect any of my friends to pay for me when we go out because they have decided to carry on working. What an odd way of thinking.
I will only give up working when I have enough money to fund the lifestyle I choose to live. I know people that earn a lot more than me, but I don't expect them to pay for me when we go out. That's just weird.

Nsky62 · 18/07/2023 23:15

Pay every other time or split, the fair way

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/07/2023 23:29

Is she living with a parent without paying any rent or bills? The thing is that if you pay more that should come from you not because it's what she's decided. It leads to a very unequal relationship in my opinion.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/07/2023 23:43

I think next time you meet, before you order tell her you'll each pay for your own
If you don't speak up it becomes her expectation that you'll keep paying Personally I can't imagine just sitting there waiting for my friend to pay
The financial situations of you both are irrelevant really and I wouldn't feel I needed to explain

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 19/07/2023 01:17

Tricky, you've walked into this with your eyes wide open. You knew what she was like before, and you've let it happen again. She works enough hours to do what she wants to do. Are outings with you not important enough for her to do the work to earn the money to do to? Or is she fully confident in you being willing to carry her financially? Honestly, neither option casts her in a good light.

LoikeanOverner · 19/07/2023 01:24

You are insane sharing financial information with anyone ever.
I paid my mortgage off a long time ago in my mid thirties and told no one not even my Mum or siblings.

Your friend sounds like a parasite.

Nevenka · 19/07/2023 01:34

Erm, so you pay in order to have her company. Now what does that remind me of

ThinWomansBrain · 19/07/2023 01:36

How you're financing the house purchase is nothing to do with it; even if she is aware of that, just say that you're not prepared to pay for all your meals/trips out etc.

I have some friends that I've supported more if they've been having a tough time financially, or a gap between jobs - and that's reciprocal on occasions, but you paying for everything all the time because she chooses not to work - no way, pull her up on it.

ikno · 19/07/2023 01:39

Nevenka · 19/07/2023 01:34

Erm, so you pay in order to have her company. Now what does that remind me of

up until I was 21 I used to pay for one of my friends for everything because although we were both students, I had more disposable income as I also had a job. It really did feel like I was paying for her company and bankrolling her life! It got to the point where she wouldn’t even bring money out with her which was the final straw.

Newestname002 · 19/07/2023 01:45

I think you do need to tell her that, now you're in the process of buying your own home, money will be a bit tighter than usual and so you'll need to reduce your social spending accordingly, and that means you will both need to pay for your own meals, drinks, events, etc so you can budget properly. There's nothing stopping her working more to acquire more money rather than allowing you to pay for her.

If you have a decent amount of your windfall after your purchase, maybe consider putting as much as sensible into long term savings, including topping up your pension. There is no need to tell her you are doing this - it's private information you need share with nobody other than your bank/investment advisor. 🌹

Pawpatrolsucks · 19/07/2023 01:48

Split the bill when you go out. But as for disclosing your financial situation I would keep it to yourself. Your friends don’t need to know that sort of personal stuff. Money can come between people, so it’s best to keep that information private.

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