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Original poster

Be so upset about not having another child

39 replies

SiberFox · 18/07/2023 18:02

I had my baby a few months ago. This is the best thing that’s happened to me. It’s a rainbow baby and I feel so grateful and blessed to have them. There was a time I considered myself child free, and gosh I could have missed out on this. Now however instead of fully enjoying my baby, I have many moments of sadness that I will not be having another. Various reasons but the main one is my husband already has another adult child and does not want another; there are some health troubles too. I completely understand him - he already agreed to this baby even when he wasn’t super keen before (as I didn’t want kids when we got married) and I realise I’m incredibly lucky. I love him and we are happy together, it’s not about resenting him or anything. But I am so sad watching my girl grow so fast and knowing it’s my one and last time, and watching my friends have their second babies and knowing it will never be me; never another pregnancy, never another newborn and so on. I really don’t want to be like this. I don’t know if it’s hormones raging. If you have an only child, please can you share how that feels? I guess I just want to know that I’ll be okay with an only and my child will be happy too. I am content most of the time and very happy but this is spoiling the early days with my precious baby. I need to get a grip!!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 18/07/2023 18:04

You’d feel the same about the next one. You always feel sad about them growing up, no matter how many you have.

Whataretheodds · 18/07/2023 18:07

Now however instead of fully enjoying my baby, I have many moments of sadness that I will not be having another.

Focus on your baby. Drink in every moment. Brains can't handle negative instruction "don't think about sheep"just makes you think of sheep. So just focus on soaking up every moment of this one, be grateful that you're not dividing your time or money or effort between her and a new pregnancy or baby. Recognise she's part of a wider family. That in time, this will give you choices about time and money to benefit her, you, your husband.

Notintobs · 18/07/2023 18:11

You only just had a baby, like another poster mentioned, just focus on you and your baby and know that you are doing a brilliant job just by looking at your baby thrive every single day

ATeamsvan · 18/07/2023 18:11

How old are you? It could come down to a whether you would like a second child more than you'd like to stay in the relationship. I do think it is sad to be forced I to this position, when it's not what you want, but it's not something that can be compromised over really. I agree to enjoy every moment for now - maybe a serious talk with your dh at some point further down the line.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 18/07/2023 18:17

I think our hormones often trick us into wanting to keep on having babies. I felt a. It like this even after my second.

it does pass, there’s no way on earth I’d be going for another one now. Try and relax and enjoy your little one. Also only children are far more common than they used to be so they’ll probably have friends in the same position. Lots of play dates and they’ll be absolutely fine.

marshmallowfinder · 18/07/2023 18:18

Environmentally, it's absolutely the right thing too. Focus on all the positives OP. One is great.

atolly · 18/07/2023 18:20

marshmallowfinder · 18/07/2023 18:18

Environmentally, it's absolutely the right thing too. Focus on all the positives OP. One is great.

This is true

SallyWD · 18/07/2023 18:22

I felt the same after having two but I really believe it's hormones. Now I'm 48 and my oestrogen levels are plummeting all my broodiness has gone out the window! I'm sorry you feel sad. Try and make the most of every moment.

DustyLee123 · 18/07/2023 18:27

I remember having a rush of hormones in my early 40’s that made me desperate for another. Luckily DH said absolutely not. Now I’m early 50’s I couldn’t imagine having a ten year old.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 18/07/2023 18:31

I went through early menopause and couldn't have any more after dd - felt like the end of the world.
She is 11 now and honestly we have a lovely life. She has loads of mates so os never lonely and has lovely experiences that we wouldn't have been able to afford with another child.

Whatames · 18/07/2023 18:35

I have 4 children who I love so much. No I’m coming to the end of my fertile years I can completely see that the longing for more children is some sort of hormonal rush and it wears off! All the people I know who could only have one and wanted more were devastated in their thirties but once the hormones have died down in their 40s realise like the people say above that they can give their children a beautiful life…plus so many more one child families now that it feels normal. On the other hand I feel like my hormones have worn off and I have 4 children and worry I can’t give them all the time/money they need

FeeFiFoFumble · 18/07/2023 18:38

I feel the same, and I have two kids. I'm really sad that I'll never have another, at the same time as I'm quite excited about getting on with life. I think it's normal to be sad and full of "what ifs", specially when the decision for whatever reason is taken out of your hands.

Enjoy your little one :)

Mammyloveswine · 18/07/2023 18:39

I was desperate for a third after having my second!! The urge was ridiculous!!

However now i wouldn't contemplate a third at all!!

Hormones are super powerful!

Focus on and enjoy your little girl! Then make a decision in a year or so.

Your husband must be older if he's got adult children?

Tangledbaby · 18/07/2023 18:40

Following as pregnant with second and already wanting a third!! It’s crazy as I’ve always said only 2! Now for some reason I’ve not even had my second and I want more!

Original poster
SiberFox · 18/07/2023 20:34

DustyLee123 · 18/07/2023 18:04

You’d feel the same about the next one. You always feel sad about them growing up, no matter how many you have.

It’s comforting to know that mums of multiples feel this way too, thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
SiberFox · 18/07/2023 20:38

@Whataretheodds good reminder. I think I’m trying too hard to push away the sad thoughts and then it gets too much and I end up obsessing/crying. They shouldn’t get in the way of me and baby, I will absolutely regret it if I look back and realise I spent so much time being miserable for no good reason

OP posts:
Motherofkittens28 · 18/07/2023 20:44

I felt exactly the same. My son is 15 months and we won't be having another and I've been desperately sad about the fact I won't have another newborn, won't be pregnant again. However, I know all our reasons for only having one make total sense and I don't think I could actually manage another really.

Original poster
SiberFox · 18/07/2023 20:45

ATeamsvan · 18/07/2023 18:11

How old are you? It could come down to a whether you would like a second child more than you'd like to stay in the relationship. I do think it is sad to be forced I to this position, when it's not what you want, but it's not something that can be compromised over really. I agree to enjoy every moment for now - maybe a serious talk with your dh at some point further down the line.

Our age is one of the reasons not to have another, I’m 37 and husband is in his mid forties. Main thing though is that DH had his first child very young and the child is actually looking to start their family young too, so my DH will likely be a granddad soon as well as being a dad once again. I’m very happy we do have our little one together and he’s a wonderful father, but he will certainly have no more and I get it.

OP posts:
Gloschick · 18/07/2023 20:46

I had 2, classic 2 years apart. After I had my second, I was envious of those that still just had 1. They were able to 100% focus on that one child, but they also seemed to be able to hold on to more of their adult lifestyle. They were more mobile / flexible with just having one.

You have the advantage of knowing this is already agreed, so you can soak up every moment as opposed to eg someone who gets caught up in unsuccessful fertility treatment in the years after giving birth, before eventually coming to terms with just having one.

Notintobs · 18/07/2023 20:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
SiberFox · 18/07/2023 20:49

It’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone in feeling the power of hormones 😅, thank you everyone for your comments. Late 30s so the brain is probably screaming now or never x

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Sweetlily99 · 18/07/2023 20:49

Enjoy your baby.

The lady in this novel had 4 but your one and her last are just as precious. X

"but the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after - oh, that's love by a different name. She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. So instead you rock by the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks. She's the one you can't put down"

Original poster
SiberFox · 18/07/2023 20:55

Motherofkittens28 · 18/07/2023 20:44

I felt exactly the same. My son is 15 months and we won't be having another and I've been desperately sad about the fact I won't have another newborn, won't be pregnant again. However, I know all our reasons for only having one make total sense and I don't think I could actually manage another really.

When my more rational self takes over, I see many benefits of having an only - i am very introverted, need time on my own, have many interests etc so having one child is great in terms of getting that back a bit sooner. I’m not a big loud family type. Sorry you’re feeling this too x

OP posts:
bitnervousaboutthis · 18/07/2023 20:57

marshmallowfinder · 18/07/2023 18:18

Environmentally, it's absolutely the right thing too. Focus on all the positives OP. One is great.

Whether or not the OP has more than one child will make zero difference to the environment. People shouldn't be shamed into not living the lives they want while certain countries contribute so much to global warming

Original poster
SiberFox · 18/07/2023 20:58

Great points @Gloschick. I know I should be very grateful and i am most of the time. One dear friend is suffering miscarriages just like I did, but no baby yet, another one is probably going to be childless because her husband will not agree even to one, yet another friend is going through painful fertility treatment. I am so lucky on all counts. x

OP posts: