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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Houseguests

49 replies

stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 13:53

I am organising my DD's 4th birthday party. Due to Covid (and while we could still get away with it) we have only had small family gatherings for DD's birthday to date. However this year we are doing a proper party in a village hall with bouncy castle etc. The party starts at 10.30 and we will have an hour to set up including preparing all the food etc. It is also a 15min drive away and we only have one car

To get to my AIBU, my DH has invited my FIL to stay for the weekend of the party. I find organising this sort of thing stressful and I know the bulk of it will fall on me and DH will end up entertaining FIL rather than helping. To add to this we will need to give FIL our bedroom and I know getting everyone up and out and organising the party in the morning will just be a nightmare. FIL is notorious for being slow. When I said couldn't FIL come the following weekend where we could properly entertain him DH exploded and said he didn't know how many kids parties FIL would have left (he is quite old).

So AIBU? Should I just not mention it again and hope for the best or try and persuade DH otherwise?

OP posts:
Coolhwip · 18/07/2023 14:05

YANBU. I would cancel the party and go away for the weekend.

Its the only way DH will learn you mean business.

Workawayxx · 18/07/2023 14:08

I think YANBU but I also don't think your DH is BU wanting his Dad there. Can you sit DH down and calmly let him know your concerns about everything being left to you and how stressful that will be and that the timescale you have to do things is already pretty stretched. Then ask him to make a plan with you to mitigate the concerns?

For example, you could prepare food at home early that morning, keep food simple, get FIL a taxi/lift to be there for 10.30 so that you and DH can get there early. Also share jobs out so DH knows exactly what is his responsibility and he can't shirk it on the basis of entertaining FIL. Can FIL make tea/coffee for parents or be given other small tasks? Let him know it's an "all hands on deck" situation! He might enjoy being kept busy rather than feeling like a spare part.

Pkhsvd · 18/07/2023 14:09

Hmm I get your point but if DH suggested my mum doenst come to our DDs party because it isn’t convenient I’d be annoyed.
I instead would put your worries to your DH and divide the jobs up so your DH knows what he is responsible for. Leave your fil to sort himself out the morning of the party and suggest a taxi so he can arrive for when it starts

heldinadream · 18/07/2023 14:10

What is FIL and DD's relationship like? Will she be pleased he's there for her party, and will he be glad to be going to her party? If the answer to both of these is yes I think suck it up. But DH has to muck in!

Karrpt · 18/07/2023 14:13

He exploded? That doesn't sound great but I don't see why FIL shouldn't come.

Just divide the jobs up between you and DH and tell his dad what time you're leaving.

Alibaba87 · 18/07/2023 14:13

Suck it up but make sure husband knows you will absolutely need to prepare together. FIL is old enough to entertain himself for a bit surely.

rookiemere · 18/07/2023 14:19

Why does he need to come to a children's party? Are your DPs coming?
It makes no sense, it will be hideous noisy cacophony for duration of party. If he's genuinely so old he doesn't have many parties left in him, it will be unpleasantly loud. Better having a family birthday tea the following weekend.

Hufflepods · 18/07/2023 14:25

rookiemere · 18/07/2023 14:19

Why does he need to come to a children's party? Are your DPs coming?
It makes no sense, it will be hideous noisy cacophony for duration of party. If he's genuinely so old he doesn't have many parties left in him, it will be unpleasantly loud. Better having a family birthday tea the following weekend.

I never understand comments like this, a grandfather going to his GC's birthday party is hardly a weird thing to do.

2bazookas · 18/07/2023 14:36

Rope FIL in for party prep duty as soon as he arrives. He can help you set up then stay for the party; he'll probably love it. DC will love showing off her Grandad.

Original poster
stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 14:43

Thanks for all the replies and helpful advise so far!

I feel very conflicted, on the one hand I feel mean for excluding FIL and obviously would like him to be at the party. On the other, I feel annoyed DH invited him to stay without consulting me first and then lost it when I suggested maybe it would be stressful and not that enjoyable for him. When I said I needed him to help he said couldn't my mum do it. (My mum lives nearby and is much younger than FIL who lives 3 hours away. I wouldn't want her staying that weekend either!!) DH has form for disappearing when I need him around to help and FIL thinks the sun shines out of his butt so will make passive aggressive comments if I call our DH for being useless.

For those asking how relationship is with DD and FIL - she loves him, although I really think her birthday party should be about having fun with her fiends on the bouncy castle and she would benefit more from 1:1 time with him another time.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 18/07/2023 14:45

gently, OP, it is your husband's father and he wants his own child to have his grandfather there for the birthday. And for his own father to see his grandchild. Birthdays are special for some.

Where you are not being U is in not wanting to be lumped with all the running around. So, you need to be clear about what it is you want your DH to do and when.

Drummend01 · 18/07/2023 14:45

You’re not being unreasonable for feeling stressed but neither is DH (apart from ‘exploding’) for wanting his FIL to be part of the celebrations.

Youre assuming he will entertain FIL and not help but why let that happen. I’d sit DH down with a list of jobs that need to be done ahead of the party and on the day of the party and divide them up between you. Then focus on your stuff and let DH and FIL sort the other bits.

Brefugee · 18/07/2023 14:46

but if you do ban your FIL to be fair you have to ban your own parents too.

Original poster
stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 14:49

I'm more than happy for FIL to come to the party! I just don't want him to stay that weekend - or have to give up my bedroom for him, do a whole load or extra laundry, cooking, cleaning, bed changing etc on top of organising a birthday party.

OP posts:
Original poster
stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 14:50

Drummend01 · 18/07/2023 14:45

You’re not being unreasonable for feeling stressed but neither is DH (apart from ‘exploding’) for wanting his FIL to be part of the celebrations.

Youre assuming he will entertain FIL and not help but why let that happen. I’d sit DH down with a list of jobs that need to be done ahead of the party and on the day of the party and divide them up between you. Then focus on your stuff and let DH and FIL sort the other bits.

Unfortunately my DH is a narcissist who won't be told what to do... but maybe that's one for another thread.

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 18/07/2023 14:53

stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 14:50

Unfortunately my DH is a narcissist who won't be told what to do... but maybe that's one for another thread.

Show quote history

Sorry to be blunt but why are you with him? Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship

Original poster
stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 14:54

Believe me, I've been questioning that a lot recently. The total lack of empathy is why I'm not happy about this situation!

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 18/07/2023 14:57

It's not very fair to exclude grandpa from the birthday.

I think YABU.

Divide the jobs up in advance so DH knows what he's doing.

BodegaSushi · 18/07/2023 14:58

Unfortunately my DH is a narcissist who won't be told what to do

Who you saw fit to marry and father children with. I despair.

Karrpt · 18/07/2023 15:00

What? You're living with a "total narcissist"? With your 4 year old daughter?

Why?

Coolhwip · 18/07/2023 15:00

I would move the party to your mum’s and exclude DH from it entirely.

Fight fire with fire.

Original poster
stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 15:02

BodegaSushi · 18/07/2023 14:58

Unfortunately my DH is a narcissist who won't be told what to do

Who you saw fit to marry and father children with. I despair.

Well it's not that black and white is it? People often change a fair bit once they have kids and any cracks which appeared small suddenly become large. I didn't have a functional upbringing or a healthy relationship model so no, perhaps I haven't chosen the best life partner.

I am obviously diagnosing here, but I believe he is a covert narcissist. It became apparent as soon as we had a child he wasn't the father I though he would be, despite seeming like he would be before the fact. From the many, many threads on mumsnet like this I know I'm not alone!

OP posts:
Original poster
stillthinking22 · 18/07/2023 15:03

Karrpt · 18/07/2023 15:00

What? You're living with a "total narcissist"? With your 4 year old daughter?

Why?

Didn't say "total" but ok

OP posts:
coconutpie · 18/07/2023 15:04

OK OP, what would happen if you told DH that you will not give up your bedroom for FIL? And he cannot stay that weekend? You both live in the house so you both have a say. If you refuse, what is he going to do?

Brefugee · 18/07/2023 15:04

you're also drip-feeding.

Look you either have the party or not, you either have FIL to stay or not. It is all up to you. But you need to make decisions that are for the benefit of your child long term.

Sorry to be blunt but there's a lot going on here. (and flinging the n-word around is such a MN thing when OP isn't getting their way. Are you really sure?)