Houseguests

[stillthinking22]

I am organising my DD's 4th birthday party. Due to Covid (and while we could still get away with it) we have only had small family gatherings for DD's birthday to date. However this year we are doing a proper party in a village hall with bouncy castle etc. The party starts at 10.30 and we will have an hour to set up including preparing all the food etc. It is also a 15min drive away and we only have one car

To get to my AIBU, my DH has invited my FIL to stay for the weekend of the party. I find organising this sort of thing stressful and I know the bulk of it will fall on me and DH will end up entertaining FIL rather than helping. To add to this we will need to give FIL our bedroom and I know getting everyone up and out and organising the party in the morning will just be a nightmare. FIL is notorious for being slow. When I said couldn't FIL come the following weekend where we could properly entertain him DH exploded and said he didn't know how many kids parties FIL would have left (he is quite old).

So AIBU? Should I just not mention it again and hope for the best or try and persuade DH otherwise?

Probably be an arsehole, lose his shit, say it's happening anyway (what he said when I raised concerns) or cancel the party

Behaviour of the last four years would say yes. Looking at family history, episodes of depression, total lack of empathy - everything has fallen into place. He recently left me after a general anaesthetic and a leg op to put our child to bed - went off in a sulk because I needed help. Sorry to drip feed but this is what I mean when I say he has form!

I think you're being overly anxious to be honest. Let the FIL come. Your DH can look after him. It's only a kids party. Just relax and let them run riot!

meh. You knew this was coming, so now you have to make a decision and ride out whatever storm comes.

But the n-word? that needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Otherwise it's meaningless and often used to paint awkward stubbon mean people in a worse light (that they don't need)

posted too early. Quite frankly? you should have left after the leg thing. Leave now.

I think your dh should have spoken with you about inviting FIL and it's something you should have decided together.

That said, because of where we live, we almost always have someone to stay on the weekend of a birthday party as otherwise would not be possible for them to attend. I enthusiastically hate house guests under any and all circumstances. But I do accept that it's just one of those things that are somewhat necessary when you have extended family who want to be involved in your dc's life. I have no family myself, so what relationships we have with dh's family are important to our dc. It's annoying having them there, but it's not significantly harder because of them. They largely need to sort themselves as we are focussed on the party and supervising a million children. Like it or lump it.

Preparing food for a children's party is really no big deal. It's just some crisps/biscuits, cucumber sticks, sandwiches/cold pizza/sausage rolls, plus cake. All of which can be prepared the day before or store bought. It doesn't even need to be on the table at the start of the party as otherwise, it will just be eaten before they sit down for food.

Broader issues in your relationship are another thing entirely, but it's totally doable to sort a children's party at a hall with a house guest in tow, even a particularly lazy one.

The leg op was 6 weeks ago which was when it all fell into place. I'd always made excuses for his behaviour before then but the way he treated me when I really needed him was inexcusable.

So I'm still deciding what to do - for the time being sitting tight and organising my ducks

I’m a complete stranger and don’t know any of you. But my two cents are that an elderly grandfather would probably be quite excited about being invited to a grandchild’s big party. So it wouldn’t be kind to exclude him.

Your DH not pulling his weight is a separate issue. He needs to pull his weight. And as others have said, there must be ways to get FIL moving more quickly. Can any other relatives be there to help? Could he be put in charge of something to motivate him to get up earlier?

@stillthinking22 you mentioned giving up your bedroom, where will you and 'D'H be sleeping? I take it you don't have a spare bedroom?

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I seem to have derailed my own thread so I will leave for now and attempt to talk calmly to DH one more time about my concerns and if he still wants him there I will suck it up and put the both of them to work!

Yes - because of FILs mobility it's better for him to have our room and bathroom

OP, given that you probably don’t have time to leave your DH or effectively adjust his behaviour and usefulness before the party, I suggest you prioritise whatever will make the party successful for your D.C.

Rope in your Mum to help, if she will actually be helpful. Ask her to meet you at the venue and help set up, occupy your Dc while you set up.

Have everything ready the night before. Trays of food, or however you are doing it. Go for the easiest option for everything.

Be friendly and welcoming to FIL, don’t stress at DH because it won’t make him any more cooperative. Just say “obviously we will have a really tight timetable so I am leaving in the car dead on 5 to 9. And do it, calmly. If they have to walk or get a taxi or miss it, so be it.

IF there is any chance of help say ‘oh FIL how lovely to have you here, Dd will love to play with you / blow up balloons while I set up’. Or ask DH what things he would like to do.

Bedding etc: just sort your or. Stuff out and say “FIL’s clean bedding is on the landing”. Etc.

But basically, make lists, take the easiest option, plan to be able to do the party without help. It can be done, honestly.

Then congratulate yourself on how well you did it all and think about the longer term.

Realistically OP, are you going to end up doing the shebang yourself, regardless of any attempt to get DH to help?

If yes, there's no point stressing about it, you need to mitigate instead.

Can your DM (and DF?) help you? Can they pick you up in the morning and you and they (and potentially DD) go to the hall and get set up. Or even stay at Grandma's the night before if it means you get a better sleep and can pack her car up in the evening.

DH and his DF can come at whatever point they're ready, they're then not making things harder by dithering about or kicking off.

Then once the party is out of the way reevaluate your life and decide whether you're leaving him or not.

@TheModHatter @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut

Thank you - really great advice

Oh, and in case this is easier - I did pack lunch bags for DDs last party. I couldn't be doing with trays of stuff and trying to fit a buffet in the car.

I got a load of coloured paper bags from amazon and put in a 1/2 sandwich (ham or cheese), pack of pom bears, frube, apple or satsuma, mini pack of haribo, mini pack of iced gems, a couple of glow sticks and a little toy. Didn't do party bags at the end, as they had the toys and sweets already.

Yes!! This is a great idea 🙏

Is it known that FIL really wants to come to the party? Plenty of grandfathers (especially older ones) might prefer to come for a relaxing weekend than have to sit in a hall full of over-excited children.

Agree about organising him a lift or a taxi so he can get up at his leisure.

I suspect he would probably enjoy the latter more. He would be too polite to say so though. He definitely wouldn't be offended if we said it would be better for him to stay another weekend.

But he’s not the one who decides on this

you’re the one who has done all the party legwork, just tell him you’re not giving up your bed for anyone and the party is on and you expect him and his dad to pitch in.

stay calm, be firm

So don't give up your bedroom or do the extra work then?

Why can't your FiL use a different room and why can't your husband use a washing machine?

"Didn't say "total" but ok"

Sorry, mixed 2 of your posts up but if he's a narcissist (probably isn't) then you need to leave. You should also leave if he's just a self important twat with anger issues (probably is).

However, you can't leave by the time if the party so definitely do the lunch bags pp suggested. Also get everything in bags ready to go, clothes laid out ready before FIL gets there and fully expect to be left to set up while your dick of a husband goes back for his dad.

Get some music on and let the kids charge around the hall while you set it up. Take 2 big jugs and fill one with blackcurrant juice and one with orange. Parents will then see to their own kids drinks. Put a massive kitchen roll out too and they'll see to any spillages

As an aside, can PPs stop using 'the n word' to refer to narcissism please? It's not a slur

Ah, with the extra info then definitely don't bash your head against a brick wall trying to cajole or force your H into doing things. As others have said, do whatever it takes to make the party happen and accept it'll probably be all on you - the resentment at hoping for help will make things harder. Get a takeaway on the Saturday night so you aren't cooking and plan something simple for breakfast on Sunday. Whatever it takes to minimise the burden on you. And after the party, get on with lining those ducks up.

You've had some genius hacks about making the party easier - almost wish DS was that age again so I could do the party bag come party snack. I think if there is any way at all you and DD can get a lift with your DPs rather than going in same car as H that will take a lot of the pressure off.
Could you leave bed changing with your H , tell him he can sort out FIL as you are sorting party, or is that more trouble than it's worth ?