Every other night?!?!

[sandysunsets]

So I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. His daughter was a couple of months off turning 2 when we got together.
Pretty much since then we have shared custody with his ex, 50:50. When I say 50:50 I mean every other night.
The benefit (imo, the only benefit) is that she sees everyone, everyday, which is lovely. But surely it can’t be any good for her?
I have battled against this day on day off for years now, to no avail.
For reference, she’s doing well in school. She is quite emotionally sensitive, and up and down should we say. She has asked multiple times in the past to spend X amount of days here and X amount of days there. But it has fallen on deaf ears.
I adore her, and it would be awful not seeing her everyday, but I just don’t see how this is good for her.
SO, am I being unreasonable? Is it actually not that bad?? I’ve just never come across anyone that does this every other night.

I agree with you and mainly because she has asked to stop the daily switch herself. Why do her parents not want to change?

@Aprilx as far as I can tell from many previous discussions it’s some stubbornness and a slightly selfish point of view. In regards to it not being fair or being too long in between visits

I think I agree with you, especially now she's getting a bit older. I'm sure she has two sets of everything so at the moment it's relatively easy, but keeping track of things must be so difficult for her, as she get's older this is only going to get harder. Teenagers have a hard enough job keeping track of all their homework, clubs, equipment that they need when it's all in one place. I can't imagine trying to manage that spread across two houses.

I think a better solution needs to be found now that has the potential to be workable for the long term. Good luck though.

@loubielou31 thank you. It already can get messy as the other side aren’t quite as organised, so random PE days and own clothes days thrown in, the school shoes seem to disappear on a regular basis🤦🏼‍♀️ I agree with high school, life gets crazy enough!

We did every other day for five years, it was extra stressful IMO and I don't think DSD enjoyed it either. There was medical equipment that needed transporting between two homes as well so we ended up running 2 cars as I drive for work. We could not appeal to ex's better nature as she was DETERMINED she wanted everything 50/50 regardless of the child's needs or requests.

That sounds like a nightmare for the poor child. Constant chopping and changing! I agree, a few days here, then a few days there, would be much more settled.

@AceofPentacles thank you for sharing. Oh gosh, that does sound extra stressful!

@Qbish thats all I’ve ever suggested, just a few days, so she can be more settled. Apparently, (no matter how hard I worked/mapped it out) it would never have worked so that it was ‘fair on the weekends’ according to her Mum.

If she was happy with it, then I'd say it was fine, but if she's now eight (if I've got that right?) and she's actually asking if you can do things differently, then yes, I would agree it's probably a bit much for her to essentially be swapping homes every day. I think the ideal outcome for 50-50 custody should be that the child feels like both parents' houses are their own home, but I suspect if she's spending alternate nights rather than a few nights at a time, then however much she loves both sets of parents, she perhaps feels like neither place is really her home as that continuity isn't really there? Maybe your DP and her mum need to have a proper chat with her about exactly how she feels and what she would prefer - I'm sure an arrangement could be found that suits you all. You are right that it's lovely that she sees everyone, every day, but although that was probably perfect when she was very little, maybe it feels chaotic to her now that she's bit older.

@ManateeFair yeah you got it right. Thank you for your views. I think I’ll have to suggest a sit down again, fingers crossed this one actually goes ahead! Like you say, she’s getting older now, so I do wonder at what age will they start to listen?

So the mum doesn't want to parent her child for both Friday night and Saturday night, every other week?!

This arrangement sounds awful

Now would be a good time to set a new routine. Once she goes to secondary she will need different things for each day and it’s easier if they swap houses less often

That poor child

Fuck that, that was my childhood from 9+ until 15 when I decided enough was enough and put my foot down.
Living out of a bag is shit.

The current arrangement suits the parents, not the child. Please listen to her. It took me and my siblings years to figure out how to say something without hurting anyone's feelings

This. It really is shit to never be 'home' for any length of time. It's like making your child backpack for their entire childhood.

@Qbish you got it!

@12345c thats terrible. Thank you for sharing. I’ve tried and tried, and I won’t stop. I was hoping for advice/different approaches, and experiences if there are any. So thank you for your first hand views on it

I know a family who do every other week so changeover on Sunday.

It works well for them and the kids can make plans properly with friends too.

Poor girl. This is all about the parents and nothing to do with her and her needs. No wonder she is struggling emotionally as neither parent will put her first.

What does her Mum actually want to achieve - more time with her or less? Saturday nights free?

This sounds like a lot of stress and hassle even as an adult. Surely alternate weeks would be better.

Jesus. Her parents are selfish pricks.

In hindsight, I can see why my parents split the childcare the way they did. But I spent hours travelling to and fro, a solid week in one place then the other at the other parents would've worked so much better.
I was a child- just learning how to manage my own time- on top of being in one town one evening then another by morning

This arrangement sounds incredibly disruptive for anyone. It's like being at uni and going home for the weekend to visit the parents, you need to prepare your bag, make sure you don't forget anything important, you can't finish certain tasks so those have to be postponed till you're back. By saturday I'd already be thinking about my trip back so I can see a small child being anxious about living like this. There isn't a "safe place". She never settles because the next day she'll be off.
I think the mother just wants to make sure you and the ex can't ever be alone for along but I'm a cold bitch at heart.