Every other night?!?!

[sandysunsets]

So I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. His daughter was a couple of months off turning 2 when we got together.
Pretty much since then we have shared custody with his ex, 50:50. When I say 50:50 I mean every other night.
The benefit (imo, the only benefit) is that she sees everyone, everyday, which is lovely. But surely it can’t be any good for her?
I have battled against this day on day off for years now, to no avail.
For reference, she’s doing well in school. She is quite emotionally sensitive, and up and down should we say. She has asked multiple times in the past to spend X amount of days here and X amount of days there. But it has fallen on deaf ears.
I adore her, and it would be awful not seeing her everyday, but I just don’t see how this is good for her.
SO, am I being unreasonable? Is it actually not that bad?? I’ve just never come across anyone that does this every other night.

It shouldn’t be about what the parents want it should be child focused she’s already voiced her want to change it and she should be listened too.
you sound like a great step parent the only adult who’s actually listening to the child

My partner and his ex has done every other week with change over Friday for a few years. Worked really well.

When me and eXH split our arrangement was that DS spent Monday and tuesday at one house and Wednesday and Thursday at the other. And whoever’s house he was at on Thursday, he spent the weekend at the other house. He actually preferred it like that at the time and was adamant he didn’t want to do one week at each house.

This way seems crazy. So this child never spends a whole weekend anywhere? What about holidays?

This seems totally wrong and not in synch with the best interests of the child. I'd go back to court for 50/50 in consecutive days or agree to split weekends or whatever. I've seen enough kids confused and upset at school because they can't keep track of where they are going and don't feel at home anywhere.

That poor child. She won't know whether she's coming or going.

At least she has you to advocate for her. You sound like a lovely step mum.Have you tried talking to school and asking if they can help in any way?

Why are her parents not listening to her?

Every other day sounds really unsettling for the child, and much more in the parents’ interests than hers.

50:50 seems to work best with teenagers, who can then do one week on, one week off sort of thing, rather than young kids. At 8, you’d probably do 4 days and 3 days but even then they do need to be mindful that it’s unsettling

I wouldn't like that as an adult let alone as a child. And she has said she doesn't like it so it needs to change. Even something as simple/ basic as leaving your book at mums house but tonight staying with dad and you can't read your book would be annoying.

I also agree with the above, she might not feel connected/ settled to either house

@Sarvanga38 i wouldn’t say more time at all, but also wouldn’t agree to less time. And yes, having Saturday or Friday free

Poor girl, her parents need to listen to her. She’s asked for a few days at each house and it’s important they listen.

I do know someone that had this arrangement but even when they split, they both lived in a small village and the children could walk from one parents house to the other in a few minutes. It worked for them, but importantly, the children wanted it.

It must be a nightmare for her to remember everything she needs to do her homework and have the right books for the following day!

Thank you everyone for sharing your views and experiences 🤍

I think 50 50 can work for some families, but I suspect it often meets the parents' needs more than the children's needs

It sounds as if both parents are selfish and immature and have not put the best interests of the child ahead of whatever silly priorities they have.

My god she's not a relay baton! Ffs. Imagine NEVER EVER being able to spend an entire day without leaving the house - Never.
Also, never having one main base as your home. We all need a main base. This child is essentially a guest in her own parent's homes. This is emotional neglect.

Wouldnt a week in each be more sensible, like Friday to Friday with mum then Friday to Friday with dad type thing?

Sounds like a bonkers arrangement. Poor kid mustn't know whether she's coming or going.

How far apart are the two homes?

I completely agree with you OP, this sounds like a nightmare for the child, the constant back and forth.

Something like doing a whole week at mums, then coming to yours after school on Monday, spend the week with you and then back to mums the following Monday.

Could you try mediation OP to get some help in finding a solution that works for everyone?

What happens at Christmas,Easter new year her birthday
what it falls that the same parent has Christmas twice in a row …or birthday falls on dads day twice in a row .
or does that not happen
just thinking if the parents are able to show flexibly in this situation,it have some hope for negotiations

What happens when she is I’ll ,surely a poorly child in bed doesn’t get made to move homes

Could she write down what she would like? Maybe even how the current arrangement makes her feel. You may feel you can't interfere but she needs someone to advocate for her, are there grandparents who might help to? There will be advantages to everyone of having several days at a time in one house

In Sweden, it is more or less standard to go 50/50 when divorcing, with most parents opting for a week on/week off. With young children, usually up to 5/6, it is recognised that a week is a long time without seeing a parent (and especially in a new breakup) so many do 2-2-3, like I think I saw someone else here suggest. Maybe suggest that for now so she at least gets a little longer in each home and then can look to move to every other week in a year or so?