Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long Distance relationship

45 replies

Deepdene160971 · 18/07/2023 12:05

Hi all
I have been in a 3 year long distance relationship with a man who lives in the US. He is still living with his partner out there, and she is going through some big issues with her family and it's causing her MH issues, so he has said he will stay out there with her until it's resolved (hopefully by next Spring/summer) and then he will return permanently to UK. I should mention that he still lives with partner, no kids and she owns the house they live in, she is unaware of us and he is still sleeping with her though he says it's very infrequent and relationship is failing.
He is due to come over end August for a visit, I haven't seen him for 6months. It's his birthday on 1st Sept and I had made a lot of plans (concert tickets, nice restaurant, night in Edinburgh). He was aware that I had made these arrangements some months ago. He has now told me he has booked flight for 3 days after his birthday. When I challenged him, he said that flights were £300 cheaper, ( I checked and they're about £100 cheaper - whilst he is not rich, that kind of money is not an issue),then said it was because of work (he told me last week that dates hadn't been agreed with his work so he was just going to book flights anyway as they were dragging their heels confirming what dates he could have off). None of it adds up. I have told him how upset I am that I will have to cancel all birthday plans just because of 3 day delay and he doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset/angry. Is he really serious about us or, as a lot of my friends have implied - does he just want a base back in the UK (I own my own home and have a well-paid job, he plans to go back to being a driving instructor) AIBU to challenge and question his priorities?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 18/07/2023 12:07

I think you need to end it. No way is it healthy to have a relationship with a bloke who's still living and sleeping with their partner.

Tiredjoanna · 18/07/2023 12:08

Yanbu at all. Sounds to me like he's not even bothered tbh. He's having his cake and eating it isn't he. Highly suspicious of the fact he's with his supposed ex and not told about you. Sorry but I wouldn't be too invested if I was you. Sorry

Whadda · 18/07/2023 12:10

Sounds like you’re being taken for a mug, unfortunately.

How many times have you met this man in person?

mindutopia · 18/07/2023 12:11

He isn't serious about you because he is still in a relationship with his current partner who he lives with and is having sex with, and he is just hoping for another booty call when he's travelling. I was in a long distance relationship UK-US with dh when we were dating and it was nothing like this. This isn't a relationship.

Mercurial123 · 18/07/2023 12:11

Sounds like you're the other woman. He's playing you. Get rid and find someone who treats you with respect.

crumpet · 18/07/2023 12:12

You’re the other woman, and not the priority in his life. Accept that and be careful about the expenditure, bookings and other commitments you make, as none of them will be secure.

bibbityboppityboo · 18/07/2023 12:13

He's still living and sleeping with his partner in the house she owns, before he relocates and does the same with you?!

That's honestly horrific - how is it a 3 year LDR when he's in more than one relationship? Sounds like you're the OW in a convenient location.

HermioneWeasley · 18/07/2023 12:15

He is absolutely taking the piss out of you and not even hiding it. You’re a fool. Dump him

MatildaTheCat · 18/07/2023 12:15

Listen to your friends.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/07/2023 12:16

He’s not serious about you if he’s sleeping with someone else, someone he lives with and hasn’t told about you.

UndercoverCop · 18/07/2023 12:17

You're a long term mistress, nothing more. He has one woman in the US who houses him and has sex with him and he has you in the UK for similar when he's away from home.
Surely you recognise you deserve more than that and if he can chat on his current partner for three years he will do that to you too if he ever does even leave her, which I find doubtful

MrsRachelDanvers · 18/07/2023 12:18

So you’re cross he’s changed his flight but not that he has a partner to whom he’s lying I assume? And has been for 3 years? Is this who you want?

Newyearnewmeow · 18/07/2023 12:19

Talk about gullible!!
Have a word with yourself OP.
It’s crazy you have been taken in with such utter bullshit.

Merryoldgoat · 18/07/2023 12:19

You aren’t in a LDR - you are the other woman.

Wake the fuck up.

LateAF · 18/07/2023 12:23

You're not in a relationship with him - he's cheating on his partner with you and you're letting it happen. Get some self respect and end things.

almostoverthehill · 18/07/2023 12:23

Merryoldgoat · 18/07/2023 12:19

You aren’t in a LDR - you are the other woman.

Wake the fuck up.

My sentiments entirely

AutisticLegoLover · 18/07/2023 12:24

I thought this must be a joke but sadly I don't think it is. OP what are earth are you thinking? You are worth more than this.

Clarinet1 · 18/07/2023 12:26

Sorry, another vote for LTB. How many men say they will ditch the first woman “When the time is right” but it never is?

Humidititties · 18/07/2023 12:28

You're not in an LDR, you've been someone's bit on the side for 3 years! I feel sorry for his poor partner, stuck with that scumbag in her house whilst he shagging about with you. Don't you feel any guilt?

He's never going to leave her for you, you know that right?

itsmylife7 · 18/07/2023 12:28

Really ? 🙄

WaltzingWaters · 18/07/2023 12:29

Oh dear god. Wake up. It’s not a long distance relationship. You’re his other woman when he’s in the uk.
He’s still sleeping with his partner who he lives with and hasn’t told her about you. That’s all you need to know and the rest is just excuses.
Stop wasting your time and money on him and move onto someone who is available, deserves you, and puts you first. But first maybe a bit of therapy to work on your self esteem.

RoomOfRequirement · 18/07/2023 12:29

Have some self respect. He's in a relationship and you're acting stupid af.

Avastmehearties · 18/07/2023 12:31

What the bloody hell are you playing at? He has a partner and is wasting your time whilst making a fool of you. Find a proper relationship.

QueenConsort · 18/07/2023 12:32

Is this a wind up

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 12:34

You are wasting your life