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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long Distance relationship

45 replies

Deepdene160971 · 18/07/2023 12:05

Hi all
I have been in a 3 year long distance relationship with a man who lives in the US. He is still living with his partner out there, and she is going through some big issues with her family and it's causing her MH issues, so he has said he will stay out there with her until it's resolved (hopefully by next Spring/summer) and then he will return permanently to UK. I should mention that he still lives with partner, no kids and she owns the house they live in, she is unaware of us and he is still sleeping with her though he says it's very infrequent and relationship is failing.
He is due to come over end August for a visit, I haven't seen him for 6months. It's his birthday on 1st Sept and I had made a lot of plans (concert tickets, nice restaurant, night in Edinburgh). He was aware that I had made these arrangements some months ago. He has now told me he has booked flight for 3 days after his birthday. When I challenged him, he said that flights were £300 cheaper, ( I checked and they're about £100 cheaper - whilst he is not rich, that kind of money is not an issue),then said it was because of work (he told me last week that dates hadn't been agreed with his work so he was just going to book flights anyway as they were dragging their heels confirming what dates he could have off). None of it adds up. I have told him how upset I am that I will have to cancel all birthday plans just because of 3 day delay and he doesn't seem to understand why I'm upset/angry. Is he really serious about us or, as a lot of my friends have implied - does he just want a base back in the UK (I own my own home and have a well-paid job, he plans to go back to being a driving instructor) AIBU to challenge and question his priorities?

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 18/07/2023 12:34

Love this isn’t a LDR or any kind of relationship. I’m sorry but your friends are spot on. He’s using you and you can do much better than this. He clearly wants to spend his birthday with his actual partner and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. Take this opportunity to move on.Flowers

Toohotto · 18/07/2023 12:41

Dump him. You're a shag & a base when he comes to the UK. Does he visit other areas in the UK/other countries? I bet he's got a girl in every port. Sorry, but you're being taken for mug, stop spending him too!

something2say · 18/07/2023 12:55

I'd say the reason he changed the flights is that she wants to spend his birthday with him.

Snd he has lied to you about the £300 - probably even knowing you could look it up and find out.

I would ditch this guy and start again.

10HailMarys · 18/07/2023 12:55

He has no intention of leaving his partner and you are not having a ‘relationship’. He’s stringing you along.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/07/2023 13:00

You're very naive and not very nice. You've been shagging a man who is already in a relationship. Wake up, grow up and fish your morals out of the sewer they are currently lurking in. Oh, and get an sti check, because you won't be the only one he's cheated with.

Mercurial123 · 18/07/2023 13:02

CalistoNoSolo · 18/07/2023 13:00

You're very naive and not very nice. You've been shagging a man who is already in a relationship. Wake up, grow up and fish your morals out of the sewer they are currently lurking in. Oh, and get an sti check, because you won't be the only one he's cheated with.

I never understand why the person who is cheating isn't called out. He's the one that's "not very nice".

Tresto · 18/07/2023 13:05

The question you really should be asking is ‘why am I prepared to waste my one and only life being a married mans hidden secret?’

Why are you attracted to this man?
He is a proven liar, he cheats and sneaks around behind the back of someone he once loved (and probably still loves - hence he won’t leave). He lies to her , why do you think he isn’t lying to you? Least he hides it from her, you have full knowledge of his ability to deceive!

He will be away with his wife on his birthday. He’s lying of course about the flights (again you have evidence of this as they were only £100 more).

If you want to see where his loyalty really lies give his wife all the evidence of the affair. See how quick he changes his tune about leaving her. Check she is in a fault state so she gets to keep her house and if so send her the evidence so he can be the free man he is so desperate to be- she deserves agency and to know the man she married is a liar and then you guys can have your Happily ever after.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/07/2023 13:09

Mercurial123 · 18/07/2023 13:02

I never understand why the person who is cheating isn't called out. He's the one that's "not very nice".

Show quote history

He's clearly a grade a bastard, but OP knows full well that he is in a relationship with another woman and despite this is still happy to shag him whenever he's in town. She's no better imo.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 18/07/2023 13:16

You're not in a relationship with this man. He's having an affair and you're the other woman.

You must know this surely?

Original poster
Deepdene160971 · 18/07/2023 13:32

I met him whilst he was working over here , he is a friend of a friend. He has been over here on work contracts for 3 months at a time, on about 4 occasions. But was made redundant at begining of year which is why not seen him for a while

OP posts:
carrot87 · 18/07/2023 13:38

Just sounds like you're his uk bit of fanny for a few months a year then he goes home to his wife. I don't know why you would even entertain it when you could meet someone who's not married and still shagging his wife. 🤢

Pollywoddles · 18/07/2023 13:40

I stopped reading, you’re the other woman, cop yourself on.

Humidititties · 18/07/2023 13:42

CalistoNoSolo · 18/07/2023 13:09

He's clearly a grade a bastard, but OP knows full well that he is in a relationship with another woman and despite this is still happy to shag him whenever he's in town. She's no better imo.

Show quote history

Agree with this 100%. He's a total scumbag, OP knowing he's still living with and shagging his partner, who is suffering with mental health issues, IMO makes her just as bad

dikwad · 18/07/2023 13:43

I'm not usually one to come across belittling of anyones circumstances regarding relationships of ANY kind or set up but..... come on love. You're not in a relationship with this man. He's using you for when he's over here, he's got no intention of leaving his wife and is feeding you some absolute bullshit and you're accepting it.

Siezethefish · 18/07/2023 13:52

Deepdene160971 · 18/07/2023 13:32

I met him whilst he was working over here , he is a friend of a friend. He has been over here on work contracts for 3 months at a time, on about 4 occasions. But was made redundant at begining of year which is why not seen him for a while

So is he staying with you for free? Convenient for him?

SamW98 · 18/07/2023 13:55

mindutopia · 18/07/2023 12:11

He isn't serious about you because he is still in a relationship with his current partner who he lives with and is having sex with, and he is just hoping for another booty call when he's travelling. I was in a long distance relationship UK-US with dh when we were dating and it was nothing like this. This isn't a relationship.

💯 agree. You might be in a relationship with him OP but he’s not in one with you.

You’re his convenience shag when he’s in the UK - surely you already know this?

NotARockstar · 18/07/2023 13:58

Bloody hell. Get some self respect woman!

Block. Delete. Move on.

NursePeach90 · 18/07/2023 14:04

I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm going to echo what the others are saying. He's treating you like a mug, and you're letting him. He says they're not sleeping together often and the relationship is failing? Bollocks! He is just saying what you want to hear. Please please PLEASE tell him to sling his hook and find someone that deserves you, as you seem so kind and thoughtful as you arranged all that for him. He's a leach!

PrideNails · 18/07/2023 14:22

You're not in a LDR, you're a bit on the side when he's in the UK.

Josell12345 · 19/08/2023 08:38

Its that old story. Sure you know it already but if you havent had the penny drop yet it will soon. Been there and got the tshirt. Dont even need to read what most will have posted. Dump and run, hes taking the u know what..

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