AIBU for wanting more space from in-laws?

[LLL2023]

My in-laws live only a few houses away on the same street which comes with immense benefits, such as shared childcare (any time of day, they're up for it) and household chores, more family bonding, children being way more exposed to their language etc. My in-laws are literally the cutest and most selfless people. They will cook lunch for me every day and also often dinner (completely out of own volition!) if they can see I'm struggling to keep up with time due to the kids, including a 6-month-old. They will also buy nappies, wipes, fruits etc from the shops to help me out. I could go on forever - can't tell you how helpful they are, really. Don't have a bad word to say about them, and my DH is exactly like them. Won the lottery didn't I!

Which is exactly why I feel terrible for feeling like I wish I had more space from them. Them being South Asian and me being European, I just think we're generally raised to be more independent where they're raised to be more communal. And whilst I see more benefit in their way of doing things, I can't shake the feeling of wanting more privacy. The daily knocking on the door and in-and-out of our home at any time just isn't for me, even though I know they ONLY do it to help. For example, one time, I was sat enjoying an evening after kids were asleep and she came and knocked on the window to tell me something when I was sat like an idiot snacking on the couch. And when they come to bring lunch or something, they will sometimes stay and talk for a long time, and sometimes I just need the space. They will bring a bowl of fruits for my stepdaughter every day after school, where I just wish they'd just let me ensure she gets her fruits and take care of it myself.

I feel I have become more lazy and co-dependent, almost feel like I live like a child, knowing they will take care of everything. I really crave space and privacy, and the feeling of just letting the house look rubbish from time to time knowing no one will come and see the mess. Am I making sense at all??

I don't want to come across as unappreciative at all, so I hope that's not the case. But I would love to hear what you guys think. Completely open to hearing any answer, perhaps I'm really the unreasonable one.

Sounds like my worst nightmare, I'll be honest

What do you mean you were sat like an idiot on the couch snacking? What an odd way to phrase it, what was so wrong with her seeing you like that?

As someone with toxic narcissistic insane inlaws who we can't contact or they gaslight and lie constantly so we have zero help with childcare, I'd take the odd too long chat and keep the benefits.

I'd say you're extremely lucky and I think you'd struggle without them tbh. You've become reliant on them and you've let that happen. You've let them bring you lunch and you've taken it. I know you like the idea of privacy but I think you'd miss them.

It’s amazing how much they help, but coming over on a daily basis is a lot.

The thought of either my parents and in-laws coming over daily would stress me out, childcare help or not. Heck, we live hours away for several reasons even though DH entertains the idea of moving closer to his parents but then I remind him he looks forward to them going home when they visit us by day 3/4 and I secretly doubt we would get the childcare help he thinks we would since they rarely if ever offered to do so and ours are 8 and 5, on top of them moaning to him every visit to us about the childcare they do for their own daughter.

It's a tough one. Would you be willing to lose all that support?

Perhaps you could put some small boundaries in e.g. sometimes just tell them you are really tired and need to take a rest rather than chat.

Your feelings are understandable but I wouldn't burn your bridges.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're not saying that their approach to family life is wrong, you're just noting that you struggle with it because it's not how you were brought up. And you're not wrong for that, in the same way that they're not wrong! It's just a culture clash.

I'd be looking to compromise. Have a conversation with them about things that are important to you (like doing the fruit for your stepdaughter). Major on the things that they do that you love. Make it clear that you're not asking for everything to change but that you'd like your family life to be more balanced between both cultural approaches. I can't see how anyone reasonable would have a problem with that, they can't expect their culture to be the only one that has a bearing on a family of two cultural backgrounds. Aside from anything else, that would be rude!

Truly appreciate everyone’s replies so far, thank you!!

Yes, it really is in-and-our or the house multiple times a day (only to help with things) and I should really clarify I’ve tried to tell them I’ll handle things myself MANY, many, many times, for example that they really should not worry about bringing lunch etc, but they think I’m just saying it to be nice where the reality is I really do mean it and am just wayyy to awkward to clarify why I’d prefer doing things myself. Especially as I wouldn’t risk burning the bridge, as some of you pointed out.

Could you ask your DH for help on how best to approach this? And get some backing from him? Because I'd feel exactly the same and you, both the appreciation and the need for more privacy and control over my own life! They sound lovely but I completely get that you want your life to be your life. I'd be the same.

@tattygrl Thanks for such a lovely reply. I actually did talk to him where he continuously pointed out they're only doing it to help. He didn't say it in a rude way at all, I think it's just hard for him to understand as he's brought up around the same values, which has ultimately shaped him to be the man I adore. It's a really tricky one (for me at least, I'm sure some of you mommas out there would be way better at having a conversation like this than me).

You feel like you should be grateful and feel very lucky but the current situation is not working for you so every now and again it all boils up. You then feel like an ungrateful cow and how others would be so envious of your position, so you brush off those feelings and get on with life again. Every few months this cycle of emotions repeats?? Is this you OP? Many south Asian women are in this position.
DH loves the arrangement, his wife and kids and parents are around him and looked after- perfect life for him! Let me also guess he doesn’t want to change this arrangement as he wouldn’t want to hurt his parents feelings but also he’s so grateful to them as both your lives are this great because of them??

OP, this scenario is the only one where I’d advise this. there is nothing that you can do without causing massive hurt or disruption to DH and his family. You either change your mindset to truly like this situation or you cause ruckus to change things. I have first hand experience of these situations. DH should be speaking to his parents to put any boundaries in place. Sorry OP but DH is tied to his parents and he will do everything so they don’t get upset.

I think you’re so lucky and it must be great for your kids. Studies have shown that good relationships with grandparents can contribute to better mental health. I always wished I had a bigger family which I could be closer too.

I suggest if you want your own space just say nicely that on X day don’t bother bringing stuff round cause you have something planned. Let them know a week in advance. Or get a weekend away with the hubby.

It might be annoying but then doing everything on your own would be v hard too. No perfect solution.

It is understandable you feel the way you do.

I wanted to suggest finding some boundaries that don't offend but give you a sense of more space... like if you were "resting" in your bedroom (or had a "headache") when they popped in to drop off lunch they could just head back out again without needing to chat? Could your DH explain this may sometimes be the case? You might want to have some strategy that you can use in case of emergencies so you can retain some sense of control over your personal space!

Yoi could also develope some strategies for wrapping up conversations a bit earlier, like finding a way you do it that is clear, helps you feel you can be assertive, but is still warm and polite.

As your children grow older they will have their own interactions with grandparents and can absorb some of the social interactions which may give your more space. If the grandparents are keen to take children out/ at their home maybe you will end up getting more time to yourself than you would if you didn't have them in your lives??

You've given such a nice idea of how it can be so great to have this close family, but also challenging. I kind of want to know how things work out for you and your family over the years...! Good luck.

I think I would hate this but I kind of feel like it's what you signed up for so it's really really tricky. How did you end up living so close?

@Fretfulmum Very interesting comment! "You then feel like an ungrateful cow and how others would be so envious of your position, so you brush off those feelings and get on with life again." This is DEFINITELY me. Interestingly, I know DH would back me and be happy to tell his parents if I was uncomfortable with anything, but I'm so worried of hurting their feelings and potentially changing the dynamics between him and his parents. I also know DH doesn't truly understand me, and like you say, very much loves the arrangement! I appreciate your comment, thank you.

@Commentsonly Definitely also always longed for a bigger family myself, hence why I was so happy to learn of the constant intergenerational learning and bonding in DH's family. Great advice, thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

@P1ckledonionz Thank you so much for taking the time to really think this through, I will definitely take this advice and develop some strategies. Thing is, I take care of our baby during the day (meaning I am "out" and playing with baby), so would have to be creative in finding a reason haha

@Sugargliderwombat I appreciate you bringing this up. Upon deciding on moving in together, I had a chat with DH on what the familial dynamics would really look like "in action", living this close, and it was never like this. He explained they're very happy to help but we'll still feel like our own family duo. And I guess he didn't lie, that just meant very different things to each of us!

^ I meant family UNIT, not duo.
For example, bringing out the pool in the garden for the kids on a hot Summer day, they're ALWAYS(!!!) there where sometimes I wish it'd just be us, but I can't bring myself to ask for this

I think it's just hard for him to understand as he's brought up around the same values

You can understand his position though, so why can't he understand yours?

@Commentsonly I think you’re so lucky and it must be great for your kids. Studies have shown that good relationships with grandparents can contribute to better mental health. I always wished I had a bigger family which I could be closer too.

Can't the kids have a good relationship with their grandparents in any way other than this, though?

This is quite enmeshed and unhealthy. You need more space to grow as a family and also to grow into your own roles as mother and father to your children. I don't think you can do this fully whilst the 'matriarch and patriarch of the family' ie, in laws are quite so involved.

It’s a big a cultural difference, you husband needs to work harder to understand your culture and be willing to compromise more.

Repeatedly saying “ but they only what to help “ isn’t being understanding and compromising. It’s just something that you already know that doesn’t solve the issue. He might as well say “ Shut up I don’t care about your feelings “.

You need to agree on some actions that HE can take to help restore a balance between your two different backgrounds.

He also needs to accept that the current arrangements affect you much more than him ( I’m assuming that you are a SAHM with a baby while he is working outside the home full time - sorry if this isn’t correct ).

Its his job to fix this so his wife is happy.

You realise you're more lucky than unlucky, and you'll have known what you were getting into becoming a part of this family. No doubt you realise any boundaries you set have the potential to cause offence, so you've just got to take it slowly, assert your position once in a while,don't feel bad about it, and cherish in the meantime the warmth and help you get from your in-laws. Nothing unhealthy here.

I like pickledonionz aproach of finding a way to politely wedge some privacy into your life. Maybe start with a block of time? Like, working with your husband, designate 7 pm to 7 am as nuclear family time? Put phones on quiet. Put sign on front and back door (“No knocking we’re knackered.”) etc…

I wouldn’t lie. There is nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a little privacy. But this is going to be a slow process of retraining them. You want to be firm, calm, generous and organized in doing it because you love them and the relationship. So just be upbeat about it “Oh MIL! You know how I am! I love my alone time between 8-11!” Or “MIL, how lovely you bought fruit! I already shopped and we are all squared away!”

But the husband would also have known what he was getting into, ie marrying a woman from a culture and upbringing where this sort of intergenerational living wasn't the norm. There has to be compromise that works for both. It's not good enough saying, well you knew what you were getting into.

I am so appreciative of all comments, thank you. Without adding more and more information (making it confusing for everyone), I just want to address the notion of me 'knowing what I was getting myself into' - DH owned this lovely house and we had talks beforehand on what our life would look like here, before deciding on moving in together. And I did state my need for boundaries, to which he agreed. This dynamic has increasingly developed over time and, due to the helpful nature of it, as well as cultural norms, doesn't seem intrusive to DH (he works from home 3 days a week and I am a SAHM atm). So despite completely understanding where you're coming from (and perhaps I was naive?), I'd argue I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

@LLL2023
Just because DH and in laws have the best intentions and are lovely, doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. Why are you so worried about hurting their feelings when they are hurting you daily ? I’m not suggesting you go and hurt their feelings, but DH can put gentle boundaries in place. “Sorry mum and dad, do you mind not coming around after 7pm from now on, so @LLL2023 and I can spend some quality time together” or “we’d like to focus on our bonds with DC so will be spending Saturdays together alone, have a great day”

The important bit is that it comes from DH.

@Fretfulmum Incredible advice, and inoffensive as well, I'd hope! Thank you!