AIBU for wanting more space from in-laws?

[LLL2023]

My in-laws live only a few houses away on the same street which comes with immense benefits, such as shared childcare (any time of day, they're up for it) and household chores, more family bonding, children being way more exposed to their language etc. My in-laws are literally the cutest and most selfless people. They will cook lunch for me every day and also often dinner (completely out of own volition!) if they can see I'm struggling to keep up with time due to the kids, including a 6-month-old. They will also buy nappies, wipes, fruits etc from the shops to help me out. I could go on forever - can't tell you how helpful they are, really. Don't have a bad word to say about them, and my DH is exactly like them. Won the lottery didn't I!

Which is exactly why I feel terrible for feeling like I wish I had more space from them. Them being South Asian and me being European, I just think we're generally raised to be more independent where they're raised to be more communal. And whilst I see more benefit in their way of doing things, I can't shake the feeling of wanting more privacy. The daily knocking on the door and in-and-out of our home at any time just isn't for me, even though I know they ONLY do it to help. For example, one time, I was sat enjoying an evening after kids were asleep and she came and knocked on the window to tell me something when I was sat like an idiot snacking on the couch. And when they come to bring lunch or something, they will sometimes stay and talk for a long time, and sometimes I just need the space. They will bring a bowl of fruits for my stepdaughter every day after school, where I just wish they'd just let me ensure she gets her fruits and take care of it myself.

I feel I have become more lazy and co-dependent, almost feel like I live like a child, knowing they will take care of everything. I really crave space and privacy, and the feeling of just letting the house look rubbish from time to time knowing no one will come and see the mess. Am I making sense at all??

I don't want to come across as unappreciative at all, so I hope that's not the case. But I would love to hear what you guys think. Completely open to hearing any answer, perhaps I'm really the unreasonable one.

You should have set your boundaries out from the beginning. Instead you've over relied on them. Most people despite having a 6 month old are capable of cooking their own meals especially if you are a sahm. It just seems like they are good enough to be childcare on tap and cook meals for you but when they want something in return such as chats then you aren't up for it. Do you ever cook and take it over to theirs, even if it's just lunch or a dessert? Yanbu to want your own space but south asian parents will take offence at you stopping them coming after a certain time each day. For now I'd ask them not to knock on when your youngest goes to sleep even if you say you are going to use that as a chance to nap yourself. I'd ask your dh to talk to them but don't be surprised if they are hurt or no longer drop everything to do your childcare.

@Sceptre86 Thanks for your comment! I totally understand how it comes across that way. I would, however, disagree that I've over-relied on them as I've told them multiple times to please just relax, live their best lives and not to worry about me or the children, however, they take this as me just being nice instead of there being any truth to it, and then they bring it all anyways. This makes me think they really want to be involved, and I don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm definitely capable of doing everything myself (have pretty much done so my entire life) and was entirely used to doing that at the beginning of moving in with no problem, bar the normal chaos of living with children ofc. It's a dynamic that's built over time (especially after having our most recent baby), and whilst I am utterly grateful, I find I miss privacy, hence this post. Appreciate your input.

@LLL2023 it's a tough one. I lived with my inlaws for 4 years and they out of the goodness of their hearts were the type of grandparents to want to completely take over. They did similar woth my sil but she grew up in Pakistan and 3xpected that level of input, I'm british asian and didn't.I had to set my boundaries from the outset because I'm the type that likes doing stuff for myself, similar to you. They were hurt initially but I was able to explain that I didn't want to put them out, felt my kids were my responsibility as a parent and if anything they should just be having fun with them. My lovely fil would hold my eldest so I could run the hoover around and that in itself was a big help. It helped that I was able to speak to them myself and not go through my dh. They valued that. Not sure if you feel comfortable or are able to do so?

@Sceptre86 Oh, and yes, I bake with the children every week and we bring it to them as a means of showing appreciation, to answer your question. Also completely renovated and redecorated their kitchen whilst they went away for a week, and make special efforts for them on Father's Day and Mother's Day etc. Just putting this out there to say I do try to show my appreciation through actions whenever possible.

Would still love to hear from more people, perhaps anyone has been in a similar situation?

As another poster has said OP, you can appreciate your DH's feelings on this because of his cultural background, but he does not appear to appreciate yours even though it seems this was discussed between you beforehand. He has moved the goalposts that were agreed to in order to placate his parents and fit in with their expectations.

But the fact is they are now living in a different culture here in the UK from the one they grew up in. You however are in your own culture, so the adaptions of expectations have to be at least 50-50. You have made every accommodation so far, but what have they done to meet your expectations that are different from theirs, even though they are living in your culture? Time to be a bit firmer with your DH for whom this is the life of riley, and exert some expectations of your own concerning privacy and time on your own and with your own smaller family. You could maybe start by you or DH saying to them something like - LLL has things she wants to do in the mornings, so if you come round, come in the afternoon. Or LLL wants some time on her own with the baby, its lovely to see you but maybe every day is too much etc. etc. They need to be aware that they too should be culturally adaptable.