Fed up of not being able to eat everything!

[AntoinetteNoCake]

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable in being pissed off about this. I’m coeliac, intolerant to all animal products so inadvertently vegan aswell. I’ve always been quite adamant that my food issues shouldn’t affect others so I always encourage others to eat what they want, will cook stuff I can’t eat, buy treats for others that I can’t eat etc, I’ve been like this for 10+ years so pretty resigned to it and typically don’t begrudge anyone anything, just because I can’t enjoy it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. My issue is that I think I’ve been so ‘oh it’s ok, I didn’t want anything anyway’ that people just don’t make any effort to include me, it’s all ‘oh you can’t have this can you’. Holiday last week with partner of 1 year, he ate whatever he wanted cakes ice creams burgers whatever, ok fair enough, I encourage others to not go without. There was very little I could eat. But back at his, he made a meal, basically pie, potatoes and salad for him and his son, and gave me potatoes and salad. It sounds petty to get upset about this but I feel so consistently left out when we’re out and he’s stuffing his face and I’m sat there with a glass of water, but then when we’re in an environment (i.e. home) where a really nice meal could be made for me, he didn’t bother. Im genuinely not sure if I’m overreacting and I think it’s just a build up of always being left out when with a bit more effort I could be included.

sorry for the long and boring post!! 🤣

YABU. Understand you feel neglected but other people rarely give any of us the attention we feel we deserve. Take care of yourself and your own needs first as nobody else will. And no, they can't share because they like the look of your meal better than theirs, they can get their own.

I totally get you. I have IBS and it’s quicker to list what I can eat than what I can’t.

Your partner needs to make more of an effort to provide food you can eat. It takes barely any effort to throw a veggie option in the oven at the same time. It’s really rude to just disk you up potatoes and salad. My DH goes the extra mile making sure there’s stuff I can eat.

I don't think yabu. I have gallstones so can't eat lots of things at the moment, I don't expect anyone to go without because I can't have it but at home DH has helped adapt our meals so I can eat mostly the same things. I don't think your DP is being malicious but definitely thoughtless and I completely understand your frustration and upset. I'd talk to him and tell him you feel hurt and left out, his reaction would depend on how I'd feel about him going forward I think. I'm sorry it's hard though.

YANBU. You sound like you are really considerate of others and cook stuff for them that you can't have yourself, so it's hurtful and a bit rude when that kindness and consideration isn't reciprocated.

I hear you OP I'm the same. Unable to eat anything I like or that is nice, my diet gets ever smaller, and going away from home is hell. Fed to the back teeth of family meals where I'm not included or provided for because it's complicated and everyone else can enjoy the cake/ice cream/whatever, and I have to bring my own food or eat afterwards when I get home. Going abroad with a friend next year and the biggest stress by far is trying not to being an annoying PITA either not being able to eat with them or having to constantly ask for food to be adapted.

It is a total pig of a problem to have to live with.

YABU. Sort your own food out, surely that’s easiest? It’s not others fault you have preferences

YANBU! WTAF? Potatoes and salad? I have the opoosite problem with my husband - he's so used to gluten free ranges being limited, that if he sees anything "treaty" that's gluten free, he will buy it for me. I keep having to tell him that I don't need so many treats!

I do sympathise though - gluten free and vegan is seriously tough. Lots of choices for one or the other, not so many for both.

LOL! Clearly someone that has read the OP 😅 Oh how to be in complete ignorant bliss of food intolerances. Lucky bloody you! 😅

YANBU OP. No advice, just solidarity 💐

How exactly does your animal food intolerance manifest?

I work in the field and usually it’s not the animal products that cause the problems, they just seem to make it worse.

Unless you’ve been bitten by a lone star tick.

Thanks for your responses! I’m glad to see that I’m not necessarily just being mardy about it! There’s definitely no malice, more just not thinking. @longwayoff I feel you hit the nail on the head when you said I need to look after myself first. I need to do that rather than inadvertently martyring myself like I appear to have done!

Some people have ridiculously low standards. You are not being unreasonable when you provide and cook food for others that you can't eat yourself so they don't go without and yet people who care about you can't be bothered to make an effort for you now and again and make sure you have something decent to eat.

I'd personally start doing meals I could eat and others can add their own stuff if they want.

He was thoughtless. I would tell him how you feel.

I think it might be really hard for him to think what to replace the pie with (and he might not have had anything suitable in after a holiday). Here a conversation might have been a good idea. 'I see you're making pie, perhaps I could have .... instead' maybe have some boys in the freezer you could add to such meals. If you've always said don't worry, I'm not hungry etc it's hard to know that's not actually true

YANBU

He's rude and thoughtless to not make a proper meal for you in that circumstance.

Having an auto immune disease is not a preference. 🙄

You need to talk to him about it.

Say how you felt when he and DS sat down to a hearty meal while giving you potato and salad.

Give him ideas for substituting the meat part of a meal.

It's not good enough.

It is vanishingly rare for someone to be allergic to all animal products - red meat, poultry, fish, shellfish, dairy, eggs etc. Are you possibly limiting yourself unecessarily? I only ask because it really is incredibly rare and you may well be able to eat a wider range of foods than you think.

In the situation you describe he was thoughtless, but presumably focussed on catering for his son first.

Could you buy some coeliac-friendly pies, bread, pasta etc and leave some at his house, or give him a specific list of brands which are gluten-free?

If he won’t cook you a proper coeliac meal then
you don’t cook him a proper non-coeliac meal.

Next time he’s over, make yourself a lovely meal and serve him potatoes and salad. His reaction will be very telling.

If people won’t make an effort for you then don’t make an effort for them.

And choose restaurants that cater to you well.

I have spoken to him about it and he said that he’ll make more effort. He has cooked me some nice stuff in the past, it’s definitely not that he just disregards me 100% of the time. To be honest I think it’s more the fact that I’ve watched everyone eat loads of nice stuff on holiday for a week whilst I’ve just sat there and it’s clearly uncharacteristically got to me. Also at work people are always getting nice food and they just say ‘you can’t have this’. So I think the pie was the last straw!! I’m incredibly grateful when anyone does get me something though. I think people just presume I don’t mind or just choose not to have anything! But I get that if I act like I don’t mind people are obviously gonna think that!

@Flickersy @LMNT I’m allergic to lactose, intolerant of eggs (sickness, itching etc) any meat or fish triggers horrific migraines. So not allergies as such apart from the lactose. To be fair the gastroenterologist I saw said he’s never heard anything like it so I get it’s not the norm! He also said that my lactose allergy could be underpinning the rest but I’m strictly dairy free and still react to the other stuff. My body is a PITA!!

I feel you OP.

In my extended family we take turns to host Christmas dinner. I always make sure everyone is completely catered for, has multiple options and it's as inclusive as possible.

I'm a vegetarian. They've known that for twenty years.

I went to my uncles last year and everyone tucked into a Noah's Ark level feast (two of every animal!) while I literally had bread rolls. Even the potatoes were cooked in duck fat. Both desserts had gelatine in them.

Really annoyed me after all the effort I had gone to for them over the years, that they couldn't even have a salad without meat in it for me, let alone a proper main option.

It's rude.

YANBU Nephew is coeliac and vegetarian. When he comes to visit, we all mostly eat gluten free and vegetarian. Life's too short to risk cross contamination. The one time we had bread for lunch, he had his own pot of margarine for spreading (to avoid cross contamination) and his gf bread was on the other side of the kitchen. I asked him to serve himself to cheese, salad etc first, again to avoid cross contamination. Absolutely no hassle, everyone happy and no stress.

Yanbu and your dp was insensitive. It could be he has no idea how to cook something suitable from scratch so you could guide him towards cook from frozen options he can have in for such eventualities. My dd is vegetarian and I wouldn't dream of just serving potatoes (she won't eat salad!)

As to your intolerances, have you seen a specialist food clinic more recently, things have moved on in understanding from just 10 years ago. There's lactose free dairy products widely available for starters, and your intolerance of meat might be something you can overcome under medical supervision if you want to that is. You'll need to push for referral but if your restrictions are making you fed up it's worth pursuing to see if they can help you now. Allergies even have been successfully treated, my friends dd overcame her severe nut allergy.

YANBU, that sounds so so hard. I can't imagine ever serving someone salad and potatoes as a meal! Maybe you need a bit of a reset - be less serving to others and buy/make yummy things you can eat so that you don't feel like you're missing out so much. They can join in with eating what you're having or they can make/buy their own. Or cook things that work for you and they can shove a chicken breast or sausage on top if they wish.

My best friend is vegan and came to stay for the weekend and I made only food she could eat to make sure she felt welcome (I think DP snuck a bit of feta on his salad though!). I also ate vegan when I went to stay with her.

Plain rude. Whenever I host I always cater for everyone. I have vegan friends, gluten free friends.

I always buy an alternative for them and use separate trays etc to avoid cross contamination.

My daughter has an allergy so I'm maybe slightly more aware but I would hate for someone to come round and me not be able to give them anything. Its just common courtesy, but these days I think the art of common courtesy has left us, people only focus on themselves in every aspect of life but that's a post for another day!!