Fed up of not being able to eat everything!

[AntoinetteNoCake]

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable in being pissed off about this. I’m coeliac, intolerant to all animal products so inadvertently vegan aswell. I’ve always been quite adamant that my food issues shouldn’t affect others so I always encourage others to eat what they want, will cook stuff I can’t eat, buy treats for others that I can’t eat etc, I’ve been like this for 10+ years so pretty resigned to it and typically don’t begrudge anyone anything, just because I can’t enjoy it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. My issue is that I think I’ve been so ‘oh it’s ok, I didn’t want anything anyway’ that people just don’t make any effort to include me, it’s all ‘oh you can’t have this can you’. Holiday last week with partner of 1 year, he ate whatever he wanted cakes ice creams burgers whatever, ok fair enough, I encourage others to not go without. There was very little I could eat. But back at his, he made a meal, basically pie, potatoes and salad for him and his son, and gave me potatoes and salad. It sounds petty to get upset about this but I feel so consistently left out when we’re out and he’s stuffing his face and I’m sat there with a glass of water, but then when we’re in an environment (i.e. home) where a really nice meal could be made for me, he didn’t bother. Im genuinely not sure if I’m overreacting and I think it’s just a build up of always being left out when with a bit more effort I could be included.

sorry for the long and boring post!! 🤣

Coeliac is basically an allergy and when someone with severe nut allergy is on the plane then the rest of the passengers are warned not to open/eat anything with nuts. Maybe sometimes you have to stand up a bit more for yourself.
Also if you keep telling your partner that its not a big deal - well he has no real reasons not to trust you?... Say it is bothering you, say you want to be included more. I doubt he will dismiss it.

I can't believe that you can eat heavily processed Gluten/dairy and meat subs and not react to them - they're full of crap!

Personally, I wouldn't feed them to my children (or eat them myself) so I think you just need to make sure that you always bring something with you.

Did they realise when you were sitting at the table not eating much?

I wouldn’t invite them again.

What a smug post.

So OP has to cater to others but they don’t need to cater to her?

Fuck that.

And why assume she is eating substitutes and not home made food?

YANBU. People get funny about dietary requirements, and get weirdly defensive about "not having to accommodate other peoples' preferences". I think your approach has been great! Yet I don't see why those closest to you can't make more of an effort to make you feel included, just like you've made the effort to not be a barrier to them enjoying the foods they want to eat. Especially since your dietary requirements aren't through choice but medical necessity.

@underneaththeash yes I do mildly react to most heavily processed stuff so I don’t tend to eat that type of thing. That being said, if someone gets me something that’s heavily processed but is GF and vegan, yes I’m gonna eat it! I typically eat an incredibly clean diet, people joke about how brilliant my insides must be!

This is so snide and rude. What's the need to deride gluten-free alternatives?! Do you know how much people who have to eat them would rather be able to eat a delicious freshly baked fluffy loaf of bread, and at half the cost? And your advice doesn't even bear any relevance to the question. OP has actually been doing exactly that for a decade, providing for herself and not blocking anyone else from eating what they want. You just couldn't wait to get in a jab about "processed food".

Not unreasonable at all OP. I wouldn't expect people to go all-out for every meal or to limit themselves when ordering food in restaurants etc, but it's hardly a hardship to have a few gluten free/vegan sausages/ pies/ curries/ bakes or whatever in the freezer for when you come around. There are so many options out there now! Every supermarket has its own 'free from' or plant based ranges.

Tbh it all sounds very complicated what you can and cannot eat vs. Someone who can eat anything.

Maybe you can meet your partner halfway and suggest restaurants that would meet your dietary needs and provide some recipes that he could cook suitable for your requirements.

Surely a husband should take interest in this though? Presumably they're aware of what OP usually eats or could ask.

It sounds like you've been a bit of a martyr for 10 years, that now people just assume that you're not that bothered/don't want anything anyway, because that's what you've been saying all this time.

I don't think others are unreasonable in not being aware that you've suddenly DO care, unless you use your words and tell them.

Remember: The only person who cares about you as much as you do, is you.

It doesn't take a genius level of cookery to think, when making a pie, oh I could put a pepper in there too stuffed with some tomatoes/olives/mushrooms/vegetables/whatever, or make a small tray of roasted vegetables.

If OP were my partner, I'd make sure I always had a few things she could eat in the cupboard/freezer. You can freeze lactose-free cheese, stuffed peppers, all sorts of things.

Yours, low FODMAP nerd.

What a terrible way of looking at things.

@AntoinetteNoCake I'm a wife and a mother. It's not quite the same - but I don't serve up dinners that my family don't like because I love them. Sometimes I might do an alternative - e.g. I did chicken for the child that doesn't like salmon the other day - but I try and feed my family with foods they'll like and enjoy. If any of them had intolerances or were coeliac or whatever, I'd cater to them within the confines of those issues.

If he does normally take you into consideration I'd probably give this one a pass. But if it's a pattern, definitely bring it up.

The difficulty is that you have all the suitable ingredients in your house but others don't and probably don't want to stock up on specialist ingredients. Not eating any animal products and being gluten free would be quite problematic for most people to cater for without a fair amount of research. I have friends/family who are GF or coeliac, friends who are vegan, family who are dairy intolerant (one of them can't have eggs either). I go to great lengths to cater for them but it often causes quite a lot of thinking. But I have time to research and buy different ingredients - many don't. As one gf friend lives fairly local I keep GF pasta in stock now. In fact I've just bought a pack of GF sausages for the freezer.

Perhaps you could put together a list of meals that you can eat which are made with standard (non specialist) ingredients and give it to your DP and any other close friends/family who may be catering for you.

@tattygrl well said (as I scan the menu in a local eatery looking for gf food as I'm coeliac). I would give my left arm to eat a soft fluffy 'muggle' loaf without harming myself.

I rarely struggle to find things to eat as I can leave things on the plate but know what you mean about having a list of food youcan't have. Nut (but not all) an awful lot of raw fruit and veg. I can eat roasted peanuts but not raw and because they are a legume I am also now allergic to anything with a high amount of pea protein - usually not an issue as I just avoid processed vegan or vegetarian products but now pea protein is creeping into a lot of food, like soya which I am also allergic to in large enough amounts.

I long to be able to snack on a lovely crunchy raw apple or some sugar snap peas!

Would a recipe book to look through work? Come up with some vegan meals you can all eat and then they can add a side of meat or dairy to it if they prefer?

YANBU to be upset.
YABU that you haven't been vocal about it.
You absolutely shouldn't cook meals you can't eat, unless the other person also has special dietary requirements and not just taste preference. Same with restaurants.
Research restaurants in your are where you can eat and suggest those when eating out with people.

Sit your partner down and tell them you'd like to introduce foods that will be more inclusive. If you've been bending for him all the time, he probably doesn't even know what you can eat and he thinks potatoes and salad are enough.

YANBU. My husband is coeliac and I regularly bake gf cakes and ensure he has plenty of his treats in the house and he always has a nutritious main meal. He is not great with food planning and prep, I am so I sort all this out for him which he appreciates. I feel so sorry for anyone who can’t tolerate certain foods and make every effort to ensure they are catered for, it’s called consideration. Not everyone is understanding, sympathetic or considerate. That’s all it comes down to really!