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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this way about my partner

54 replies

Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:40

To make it as brief (not 😂) as possible, me and my partner are nearly 30 and have been together now for 1.5 years. I live alone in a little house I have bought and have done for 3 years now, and he rents a room from his friend. Works great as we aren’t far from each other but have our own space.

In the past year my partner has lost 2 jobs. Both seem to be because of a clash of personalities, he’s quite head strong and stands up for what he thinks is wrong (not a bad thing in all scenarios) but having been brought up to ensure I can stand on my own two feet I am starting to find it embarrassing now that I am having to explain to people he is out of work again. Hearing more stories from him, it seems like jobs before we met there was always someone he didn’t see eye to eye with, and I’m worried about what this means for me financially as I move into my 30s, can I trust this person in this way.

Last year I fully supported him losing his job and put so much time and effort into building his confidence back up and helping him find a job. Unfortunately this time round I’m currently undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer, with surgery and radiotherapy to go. I’m working full time as I cannot afford to go on sick, and my partner is currently getting 3 months full pay to not work and has only just started to look for jobs 3 weeks into his job loss.

I feel from my end our relationship is really feeling the strain, he’s stayed at mine to try help whilst I’ve felt worse for wear. He was still in work at this point but this entailed him rising last minute on a morning to move from bed to desk, with me rushing about walking the dog etc before I started work, and just generally having someone else to clean and wash clothes for. That was nipped in the bud quite quick, and he has realised this and offers to help out a lot more despite him not staying here.

Personality wise he’s a likeable chatty person, my friends and family like him but have confided in me recently that they have their own concerns too based on what has gone on.

AIBU to feel not attracted to my partner due to the above? I feel like a bit of a fraud as right now from a visual perspective due to my treatment I have lost hair etc, albeit I am trying to look after myself as much as possible. He may feel like that about me and as such do I have room to talk to complain.

I feel like the constant discussions about past arguments at his workplace and the questions over what he’ll do next are tiring me out and I just want some views on whether I should be feeling this way, or am I just being a cow and need to support him again this time round?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 17/07/2023 22:47

He doesn’t have to see eye to eye with people at work, however a mature, stable adult would exercise judgement and self control.
His lack of those qualities would indeed be off putting, as would him staying at yours and letting you do the cooking and cleaning.

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:49

You’ve hit it on the spot, it’s the dealing of the problems and who he doesn’t particularly like or get on with, which has landed him in this position twice over. Have to learn to handle things like an adult.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 17/07/2023 22:49

This is him. He will forever be finding fault with work, or colleagues, or his boss. He will always be in a financial hole (or about to be). He is unreliable, untrustworthy, and stressing you out. I would even go as far as to call him argumentative if he doesnt get his own way. Nobody has that many personality clashes to the point of no job.

No amount of taking your dog for a walk or cooking your dinner can make up for unreliability long term. I also suspect he is a future cocklodger who's not quite there.

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:51

Thanks that’s summarised exactly how I feel unfortunately. Luckily I’m head strong enough that when his wages end in September he’s coming nowhere near this house and he can find a job or move back with his parents.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2023 22:51

His is immature and unreliable, no one needs a person like this in their life.
YANBU, he won't add to your life or enhance it so why waste more time on him?

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:53

You’re right, we get on so well too but that is only surface level. The basics need to be there and they aren’t unfortunately.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 17/07/2023 22:57

Luckily you've recognised the problem before it goes too far. Next thing you know, he'd be arguing with you!

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:59

To add to this, tonight on the phone he mentioned that ‘most girls’ in my scenario (e.g a cancer diagnosis) would have gone running back home to Daddy. I obviously cannot do that as I have a home with bills to keep on top of, but if I did what would the issue be? I’m unwell. Not to mention the sexism in the comment too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:00

Haha well yeah this is the issue, if I bring it up I’ll be at fault here

OP posts:
Magpiesalute · 17/07/2023 23:00

i don’t think this man is the one. You need to be able to rely on a partner not worry about them keeping a job. Especially when the focus should be on you. To come and stay and let you walk the dog, clean and cook for him while you’re ill is thoughtless at best!!

I’m sorry you’re going through so much and hope you make a speedy recovery.

Hawkins0001 · 17/07/2023 23:01

I know a person that's like this the problem is not everyone has his perspective which I think frustrates him more, plus he sometimes tries to act as boss when he's not the boss. Etc

PurpleButterflyWings · 17/07/2023 23:01

BIN HIM. I cannot tolerate bone idle men and especially men who CBA to work and stick with a job... That would not be for me ... Especially as most men are lazy around the house and never lift a finger to help, OR with the kids... Like fuck am I having a man stuck at home a lot, and sitting on his arse all day watching TV.

I don't ask or expect much of a man - but he has to have a job and he has to work. Unless there's some kind of illness or disability there's absolutely no way I'm tolerating a man that doesn't work. Get out of my life and get out of my face if you can't be bothered to work ... I can't stand feckless men like this.

A woman I know is in her early 40s and has got four kids between 10 and 21 .. her husband is in his late 40s - and in the 11 or 12 years I have known her, I don't think I've known him keep a job for more than 6 to 7 months ... (Has 5-7 month gaps in between,) where he 'travels with mates' starts new businesses and 'ventures,' and does 'projects.'

According to someone who knows them really well - they are something like £80K in debt because he just keeps borrowing and borrowing money - because he doesn't earn any money half the time. They keep robbing Peter to pay Paul and there's no security at all ... I really could not be doing with a man like that and would have got rid years ago. He has one project after another and has started 3 or 4 very unsuccessful businesses, where they have lost 1000s and 1000s!

He spent £7,000 on an old motorbike last year to 'do up,' and £5,000 on an old car, and spent months on end 'doing them up...'

As I say, I would have binned him years ago. I don't know how his wife sleeps at night with the debt they are in, and a feckless manboy for a husband. In typical fashion he does fuck-all around the house.

JudgeAnderson · 17/07/2023 23:01

You sound like a very sensible and self-sufficient person and he will probably be a liability long-term.
I'm sorry you're not well, wishing you all the best through your treatment.

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:02

Magpiesalute · 17/07/2023 23:00

i don’t think this man is the one. You need to be able to rely on a partner not worry about them keeping a job. Especially when the focus should be on you. To come and stay and let you walk the dog, clean and cook for him while you’re ill is thoughtless at best!!

I’m sorry you’re going through so much and hope you make a speedy recovery.

Thanks that means a lot ❤️ you are right, if it was the other way round then I’d be doing a look more and ensuring I’m keeping my job in the event my partner got into financial issues through being unwell in the short term.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 17/07/2023 23:04

My DH is like this. Don’t marry him.

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:05

Gowlett · 17/07/2023 23:04

My DH is like this. Don’t marry him.

Appreciate the bluntness, needs it saying this way sometimes. I hope you’re managing, it’s draining

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2023 23:06

First of all op I hope your treatment goes well and I wish you a speedy recovery. Hope you're not feeling too poorly on the meantime.

I know someone like this. Wherever he's gone in life - school, work, hobbies etc - he's always left because of some falling out or other. Never his fault. Never stuck at anything. Upshot is he's lost his house. In a bedding aged 50. I don't like the sound of your fella either.

Grumpigal · 17/07/2023 23:09

I know a man (he’s a friend) who truly is a great friend and deep down a great person but my god, if there is a drama to be found he will find it. The amount of jobs he’s lost / left due to “conflict of personalities” is too high to count. Recently he also lost a major contract and is now engaged in a legal case, not completely due to his behaviour but it’s definitely a massive contributing factor to why he fell out with this client.

I adore him as a friend but absolutely would never go near this type of person for a relationship. The instability and the consent need for picking up, dusting off and rebuilding would totally do my head in.

And furthermore it’s super unattractive that people like this have such little insight to themselves. They can’t seem to grasp that the common denominator in every situation- is THEM!

Nope, absolutely you’re not unreasonable. He sounds immature and lacking in self control, self awareness and discipline. It’s not to say he’s all bad but these are important aspects to one’s character and if he’s are not fully developed then whoever he is with will always end up being the one to pick up the pieces.

Id throw him back, it might help him grow up, but it’s not your job to mentor him. Good luck with your treatment x

Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:09

Hawkins0001 · 17/07/2023 23:01

I know a person that's like this the problem is not everyone has his perspective which I think frustrates him more, plus he sometimes tries to act as boss when he's not the boss. Etc

You’re bang on. He struggles when people can’t see his point of view and it becomes something he can no longer keep level headed about causing issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:12

Yeah this is exactly how I see my future which really worries me! And I agree on the infuriation of it being done right in front of you. I’m just working so hard right now to keep going day by day to keep a roof over my head and I just don’t think he gets it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:14

Grumpigal · 17/07/2023 23:09

I know a man (he’s a friend) who truly is a great friend and deep down a great person but my god, if there is a drama to be found he will find it. The amount of jobs he’s lost / left due to “conflict of personalities” is too high to count. Recently he also lost a major contract and is now engaged in a legal case, not completely due to his behaviour but it’s definitely a massive contributing factor to why he fell out with this client.

I adore him as a friend but absolutely would never go near this type of person for a relationship. The instability and the consent need for picking up, dusting off and rebuilding would totally do my head in.

And furthermore it’s super unattractive that people like this have such little insight to themselves. They can’t seem to grasp that the common denominator in every situation- is THEM!

Nope, absolutely you’re not unreasonable. He sounds immature and lacking in self control, self awareness and discipline. It’s not to say he’s all bad but these are important aspects to one’s character and if he’s are not fully developed then whoever he is with will always end up being the one to pick up the pieces.

Id throw him back, it might help him grow up, but it’s not your job to mentor him. Good luck with your treatment x

Thank you this is exactly it. Each time it happens it’s not his fault but he seems to be the common denominator. His parents get dragged in, I get dragged in and right now I just can’t do it again.

Thanks for your well wishes, I am getting there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:16

BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2023 23:06

First of all op I hope your treatment goes well and I wish you a speedy recovery. Hope you're not feeling too poorly on the meantime.

I know someone like this. Wherever he's gone in life - school, work, hobbies etc - he's always left because of some falling out or other. Never his fault. Never stuck at anything. Upshot is he's lost his house. In a bedding aged 50. I don't like the sound of your fella either.

Thank you, taking it day by day but generally keeping active and stuff is making me feel okay!

I agree with you he’ll be like this for the rest of his life for as long as he doesn’t realise that he is the main problem

OP posts:
Hawkins0001 · 17/07/2023 23:17

Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:09

You’re bang on. He struggles when people can’t see his point of view and it becomes something he can no longer keep level headed about causing issues.

Show quote history

The person then would try to argue they are right and the other person is wrong, and the issues are not so much that they are right it's more how they are with regards to their behavior trying to convince others and getting stroppy because they know they are right but they cannot or don't seem to convince others in a police and professional way.

scoobysnaxx · 17/07/2023 23:20

I feel like you're too independent, strong and mature to put up with someone like this.

I'm so glad you've held your boundaries and are thinking about the future.

I'm only 31 and I respect this so much. A lot of young people don't think this way.

You're also going through too much to put up with things like this.

I think you'll always been the mature responsible one and it wears on you after a while.

The best wishes for the chemo etc! Xx

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/07/2023 23:21

You have two problems really. One is that his outspokenness is causing him to lose jobs. It's not a stretch to think that that outspokenness will lead him to lose relationships and friendships. He is acting like a teenage boy.

The second problem is the way he treated you and your home when he stayed with you when you were desperately in need of help. This shows you that he is not reliable, not caring, and actually absolutely bloody selfish

There are people who it can be fun to sit with in the pub. That does not make them suitable as a partner.