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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this way about my partner

54 replies

Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:40

To make it as brief (not 😂) as possible, me and my partner are nearly 30 and have been together now for 1.5 years. I live alone in a little house I have bought and have done for 3 years now, and he rents a room from his friend. Works great as we aren’t far from each other but have our own space.

In the past year my partner has lost 2 jobs. Both seem to be because of a clash of personalities, he’s quite head strong and stands up for what he thinks is wrong (not a bad thing in all scenarios) but having been brought up to ensure I can stand on my own two feet I am starting to find it embarrassing now that I am having to explain to people he is out of work again. Hearing more stories from him, it seems like jobs before we met there was always someone he didn’t see eye to eye with, and I’m worried about what this means for me financially as I move into my 30s, can I trust this person in this way.

Last year I fully supported him losing his job and put so much time and effort into building his confidence back up and helping him find a job. Unfortunately this time round I’m currently undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer, with surgery and radiotherapy to go. I’m working full time as I cannot afford to go on sick, and my partner is currently getting 3 months full pay to not work and has only just started to look for jobs 3 weeks into his job loss.

I feel from my end our relationship is really feeling the strain, he’s stayed at mine to try help whilst I’ve felt worse for wear. He was still in work at this point but this entailed him rising last minute on a morning to move from bed to desk, with me rushing about walking the dog etc before I started work, and just generally having someone else to clean and wash clothes for. That was nipped in the bud quite quick, and he has realised this and offers to help out a lot more despite him not staying here.

Personality wise he’s a likeable chatty person, my friends and family like him but have confided in me recently that they have their own concerns too based on what has gone on.

AIBU to feel not attracted to my partner due to the above? I feel like a bit of a fraud as right now from a visual perspective due to my treatment I have lost hair etc, albeit I am trying to look after myself as much as possible. He may feel like that about me and as such do I have room to talk to complain.

I feel like the constant discussions about past arguments at his workplace and the questions over what he’ll do next are tiring me out and I just want some views on whether I should be feeling this way, or am I just being a cow and need to support him again this time round?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 23:22

scoobysnaxx · 17/07/2023 23:20

I feel like you're too independent, strong and mature to put up with someone like this.

I'm so glad you've held your boundaries and are thinking about the future.

I'm only 31 and I respect this so much. A lot of young people don't think this way.

You're also going through too much to put up with things like this.

I think you'll always been the mature responsible one and it wears on you after a while.

The best wishes for the chemo etc! Xx

Thank you that really means a lot. I’m independent and maybe too much to an extent but it means you’ve always got your own back. People who are friends/partners are there to enhance life not make it harder and I feel like it’s just hard going

OP posts:
SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 17/07/2023 23:23

My sister married a guy like this. 15 years, a handful of kids, and a boatload of debt later and she’s miserable and trapped, he’s idle and always right.

Best of luck with your treatment, OP.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/07/2023 23:27
Tired Maggie Simpson GIF by The Simpsons

Get well soon

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2023 23:27

This man is absolutely draped in red flags, op. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and end this relationship now, because it's doomed to fail anyway. You don't need this stress and aggravation.

I hope your treatment goes well. 💐

Tryingtohelp12 · 17/07/2023 23:31

I know someone like this. Jobs last an especially short time when line managed by a female.

in my experience people rarely get fired for no reason (refundable etc aside). Once may be unlucky, twice in a row I’d be asking serious questions. If he was unhappy about something in his work place he should have addressed it appropriately or found a new job. Unemployment/ lack of self sufficiency is really unattractive to me.

EmmasRegurgitatedShrimps · 17/07/2023 23:37

I have a husband like this. Incapable of coping with people at work who have a different outlook. Usually women. You sound brilliant, OP, and I wish you all the best with your health. You don’t need a flibberty manbaby dragging you down and trying to move in with you.

AncientBallerina · 17/07/2023 23:47

The comment about running home to Daddy is just vile. You would be perfectly in the right to live with your parents while undergoing cancer treatment if you parents were able to support you. He’s certainly shown you who is with that comment. He likes the fact that you are strong and brave an therefore he won’t have to look after you. You sound amazing and very mature and sorted. Find a man who deserves you.

PimpMyFridge · 17/07/2023 23:47

You are wise to be careful which horse you hitch your wagon to. This horse will take you off a cliff as he can't steer a safe path and avoid conflict/handle differences at work without clashing, even when it's his livelihood at stake!
It's not uncool/unromantic or mean to think practically and pragmatically over life affecting choices such as 'will this man child be the death of my sanity?'. .
It is not possible for the quality of your life to exceed the quality of your partner without serious compensatory input from you, and it is far far easier to drag someone down than to haul someone up, so rare is the person who manages to carry someone without significant personal cost emotionally or financially!
Some people just don't have the depth of character or life skills to make good partners with whom you share financial responsibility etc... Those people are great for other things but not a joint life.

pastypirate · 18/07/2023 00:00

What it boils down to is this man cannot work as part of a team. Working is being part of a team usually, a relationship is a team. He fundamentally can't do it.

Also he sounds very hard work.

And you can't be too independent. That's literally the basic expectation of an adult!

If a man tells you that you are too independent run a mile.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/07/2023 00:04

Get rid of him. Immediately.

Sending positive vibes for your healing.

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 02:50

Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:51

Thanks that’s summarised exactly how I feel unfortunately. Luckily I’m head strong enough that when his wages end in September he’s coming nowhere near this house and he can find a job or move back with his parents.

Thank goodness you're not going to let this person lean any more on you - keep him away with the longest bargepole you can find. Raise the drawbridge!

He's already shown he can't be trusted with his own life and you don't need him causing chaos in yours. He actively treated you badly by not looking after you when you are so ill - especially leaving you to walk the dog! You don't need irresponsible takers in your life at any time, let alone when your health is so compromised.

You sound as though you have your life planned well - if you can cut him out.

Take care OP - wishing you the best. 🌹

PimpMyFridge · 18/07/2023 06:43

pastypirate · 18/07/2023 00:00

What it boils down to is this man cannot work as part of a team. Working is being part of a team usually, a relationship is a team. He fundamentally can't do it.

Also he sounds very hard work.

And you can't be too independent. That's literally the basic expectation of an adult!

If a man tells you that you are too independent run a mile.

Absolutely.

Quite apart from any financial implications, his approach to conflict resolution is obviously awful to have had to leave more than one job because of it.
He will bring that lack of skill into the relationship if it were to get closer/more serious, you'd be trying to manage that problem whenever any of life's inevitable points of contention arose... so there just isn't a future where you would discuss things as adults and not have him blow up or take massive offence or whatever his style is.
Who can be bothered with that when there are men who are quite capable of discussing issues sensibly you could team up with instead.

HermeticDawn · 18/07/2023 07:01

pastypirate · 18/07/2023 00:00

What it boils down to is this man cannot work as part of a team. Working is being part of a team usually, a relationship is a team. He fundamentally can't do it.

Also he sounds very hard work.

And you can't be too independent. That's literally the basic expectation of an adult!

If a man tells you that you are too independent run a mile.

This.

Also, his remark about ‘most girls’ with cancer ‘running home to Daddy’ is both misogynistic and weirdly wrong — ‘most people’ don’t do anything of the kind, and it’s significant that he seems to see something so ordinary as unusual.

Best wishes for your recovery, OP. I would view ending this as a key element in putting yourself in the best place for feeling better as you deal with treatment.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 18/07/2023 07:05

Well he sounds like a loser, and you sound like a winner. And the comment about running home to daddy is just awful. Dump him, you can do loads better than this.

Jk987 · 18/07/2023 07:59

Your health and recovery is number 1 priority right now. Have you had any paid sick leave? You deserve to.

You have no obligations to your boyfriend and if you don't feel it's right, it's reason enough to end it.

Original poster
Yorkyh · 18/07/2023 14:46

Yes quite glad I am coming to realise this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 18/07/2023 14:49

PimpMyFridge · 18/07/2023 06:43

Absolutely.

Quite apart from any financial implications, his approach to conflict resolution is obviously awful to have had to leave more than one job because of it.
He will bring that lack of skill into the relationship if it were to get closer/more serious, you'd be trying to manage that problem whenever any of life's inevitable points of contention arose... so there just isn't a future where you would discuss things as adults and not have him blow up or take massive offence or whatever his style is.
Who can be bothered with that when there are men who are quite capable of discussing issues sensibly you could team up with instead.

Show quote history

I know, I think this is my main concern. Anything in future he does not quite like the sound of will blow up and effects us both as it is far beyond the usual expected reaction for things. It gives me anxiety thinking I will probably have to do this time and time again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 18/07/2023 14:49

Jk987 · 18/07/2023 07:59

Your health and recovery is number 1 priority right now. Have you had any paid sick leave? You deserve to.

You have no obligations to your boyfriend and if you don't feel it's right, it's reason enough to end it.

Unfortunately only statutory sick pay, but it does keep me in a routine and makes the days pass. Thank you for your well wishes :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 18/07/2023 14:51

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 18/07/2023 07:05

Well he sounds like a loser, and you sound like a winner. And the comment about running home to daddy is just awful. Dump him, you can do loads better than this.

I know, the comment has really irked me. I brought it up briefly this afternoon and mentioned I need a good chat with him later and apparently I have misunderstood what he means. I don't think you can mean anything other than just being simply sexist and rude to someone who currently is working to support themselves through this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 18/07/2023 14:52

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 02:50

Thank goodness you're not going to let this person lean any more on you - keep him away with the longest bargepole you can find. Raise the drawbridge!

He's already shown he can't be trusted with his own life and you don't need him causing chaos in yours. He actively treated you badly by not looking after you when you are so ill - especially leaving you to walk the dog! You don't need irresponsible takers in your life at any time, let alone when your health is so compromised.

You sound as though you have your life planned well - if you can cut him out.

Take care OP - wishing you the best. 🌹

Show quote history

I know, it is worrying when they can only just get themselves up on a morning and not step in to help when it is needed! Thank you for your wishes :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkyh · 18/07/2023 14:53

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 17/07/2023 23:23

My sister married a guy like this. 15 years, a handful of kids, and a boatload of debt later and she’s miserable and trapped, he’s idle and always right.

Best of luck with your treatment, OP.

Exactly, and if outsiders are seeing red flags then so should I. Thank you :)

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 18/07/2023 14:58

Yorkyh · 17/07/2023 22:59

To add to this, tonight on the phone he mentioned that ‘most girls’ in my scenario (e.g a cancer diagnosis) would have gone running back home to Daddy. I obviously cannot do that as I have a home with bills to keep on top of, but if I did what would the issue be? I’m unwell. Not to mention the sexism in the comment too!

You have only been with this man for a year and a half, and it can take a while to see what someone is really like. You've definitely reached that point with him now, and what he's really like is a complete pain in the arse.

His comment about 'running back home to daddy' is horrible in its own right, but the fact that he constantly falls out with people at work is a massive red flag. He is one of those people who will always say that it was someone else's fault that he had to leave, without considering that it's actually him who is the common denominator in all these situations and therefore it is likely to him, not his colleagues in every job he's ever had, who is the problem.

He will never change and he will constantly put you under stress. Please do end this relationship and focus on yourself and your health as you go through your treatment and emerge fit and well again at the other end. All the best to you.

Emmylou22 · 18/07/2023 15:28

It sounds like you're worrying about offering him loads of support when really it should be the other way round. You're going through a life-changing traumatic time and you need bucketloads of support from your partner. I'm going through the same as you (chemo for breast cancer, awaiting surgery and radiotherapy). It's bloody hard! I admire you for working throughout. I'm lucky to get full sick pay so I'm only working about 40% of the time. I can't imagine how exhausted you are.

Overall it sounds like he's not as grown up and responsible as you! His situation is through his own doing (honestly, none of the people I know continuously get sacked from jobs. Though I did have an ex this kept 'happening to'.). You're undergoing debilitating treatment for a serious medical condition. You seem to have your head screwed on. You might not make any major decisions about your future with him at this time. But just don't let him become an additional burden you don't need.

WisherWood · 18/07/2023 16:17

apparently I have misunderstood what he means

Right. So it's your fault. All this miscommunication he keeps having couldn't possibly be his fault, could it?

Honestly the more you say the worse he gets. I'd bin him off for using your illness as an excuse to stay with you and then creating extra work for you. Who does that? Only a self-centred lazy fucker.

Original poster
Yorkyh · 31/07/2023 15:26

Emmylou22 · 18/07/2023 15:28

It sounds like you're worrying about offering him loads of support when really it should be the other way round. You're going through a life-changing traumatic time and you need bucketloads of support from your partner. I'm going through the same as you (chemo for breast cancer, awaiting surgery and radiotherapy). It's bloody hard! I admire you for working throughout. I'm lucky to get full sick pay so I'm only working about 40% of the time. I can't imagine how exhausted you are.

Overall it sounds like he's not as grown up and responsible as you! His situation is through his own doing (honestly, none of the people I know continuously get sacked from jobs. Though I did have an ex this kept 'happening to'.). You're undergoing debilitating treatment for a serious medical condition. You seem to have your head screwed on. You might not make any major decisions about your future with him at this time. But just don't let him become an additional burden you don't need.

I agree on all your points. We had a discussion of which he blamed my mood on the medication... this is still ongoing.

Anyway I just came on here after a break to say all the best with your treatment too. It is so hard and a change of chemo unfortunately knocked me for 6 last week!

All the best xxx

OP posts: