DP says I'm not adulting enough

[NotAdulting]

NC for this. Leaving out pronouns as I don't want mine or DP's gender to influence opinion over division of responsibilities. DP and I are early 30s, been married since our mid 20s, and have one DC. I am a stay at home parent, DP works full time.

We've just had a bust up because DP wants me to text the neighbours about a minor issue over a fence. I have neighbours number, but will obviously pass it on happily. I don't want to do it, because DP has had all the contact with contractors who were involved with the issue, and so knows what they want to say.

The argument has become that DP didn't want to be the one in contact with contractors, and is fed up of always having to do the "adult" things, for which they give examples mostly of talking to people who come to the house for eg appliance repair, garden work, overseeing the work and making them cups of tea.

Neither of us really like having to do the stuff that feels awkward - we argued a bit over who had to go and chase test results when waiting in hospital with DC. But I did do my fair share of it. I'm not incompetent on my own, and we both do 'grown up' life admin, DP tends to lead on tax and more complicated finance stuff. I often handle insurance, energy, internet. When we had a cleaner the admin for that was mine too. Car and travel we tend to split equally.

So my take on the argument is, I think I've just got a higher tolerance for waiting it out (eg the test results in hospital) so don't like being pressed to go and do something proactively that feels awkward and unnecessary. And so engaging with people around our house like contractors, I'd be more inclined to wait for them to knock on the door and come to me if I'm needed. The other day a workman did come and knock on the door to ask for coffee, I'd been too busy to go out and offer so far, but of course I made him one, had a quick friendly chat, and said to knock again if they needed anything else.

With this thing with the neighbours, I wouldn't feel the need to message at all really; it's something I'd just leave and see how it pans out. I'm not asking DP to always step up and do this stuff, just if they didn't, I would just handle it differently, more passively I guess. DP feels someone's got to do it, so reluctantly does.

Would be good to know others perspectives. AIBU to think I just don't 'adult' in DP's style? Or would you find me infuriating to live with? How do we avoid resentment growing over this?

You don’t have a higher tolerance for these things, you are just happy to leave other people to always deal with things.

grow up and help your partner

How do people live like this?

Pathetic

I’m a bit biased because I have to do all the adulting in our relationship and it’s exhausting.

Your situation does sound different t though, as your DP seems to want you to do things that are perhaps a preference rather than 100% necessary, and I’d feel reluctant to do things just because someone else fancied it.

How much of the necessary stuff do you share? I think that’s an important distinction. I do everything and it drives me insane.

This.

My DH has a "higher tolerance". What that really means is that he knows if he waits it out I will crack and he won't have to bother.

It's nearly ended our relationship quite a few times.

Don't underestimate how bad and taken for granted it feels to be on the other side of this equation.

If you are the one at home, why is it your partner's responsibility to deal with any tradespeople? Do you wait until they have a day off to have a trades person over or do you interrupt their working from home to deal with it?

It's clearly not because you have a higher tolerance for waiting. You just don't want to have to deal with others for whatever reason.

She does appear to do plenty.

Your "higher tolerance" is you waiting until someone else does it for you, and I can see why your DP finds it annoying. We all have to do things we don't particularly want to at times, grow up and do your share. 🤷‍♀️

I'm definitely you in this scenario OP, and have some of the same issues with my DP! I'll happily go chase Drs for test results etc, but reluctant to do things I feel are unnecessary or better suited to him..so for me, if your partner feels so strongly that the neighbours need a text then he can do it.

I don't mind dealing with contractors, but I hate being an unnecessary middle man. If it's something DP knows more about or has more specific questions, he should deal with it. When it's a roofer to fix a dodgy tile causing a leak, no bother I'll sort it. If it's the stone mason and discussing which type of lime mortar etc, DP should do it as he knows more of this stuff.

I do feel sometimes I'm just seen as a life secretary which gets my back up, and why I often tell him to do it himself.

Just curious, when is the last time you dud something like this that made you uncomfortable? It does sound like you are passive and avoidant and you aren't equating like with like in sone of your examples.

Seems to me that the person who feels the job needs to be done, is the person who should do it! If dp feels a text is necessary and you don't, then dp should do it.

I wonder if your DP takes things on because they feel you leave things until they resolve themselves. But in reality nothing would ever get sorted if it were left in your control.

If they left more for you to sort, nothing would ever cagey completed or resolved.

my ex DP would always say he wasn’t as bothered as me to have a tidy house, or something fixed or something sorted. He’s still remind me that shit needed to be done though.

I genuinely don’t believe that people don’t see this stuff- more that it’s a game of chicken with some people prepared to break first. It’s not about adulting- I just got sick of my partner playing the child

Your partner works and you're a SAHP. Unless your child is under a year old and/or has complex needs, surely you have a lot more time to deal with most things and are more likely to be at home to deal with tradespeople etc.

On the matter of the fence, just go and knock on the door and talk to them. Will probably be quicker than having to explain the issue in a text.

At different points I have been the SAHP (maternity leave) and so has my partner (furloughed). Whoever was at home did nearly 100% of the life admin and all the difficult stuff (I wouldn't class bills, energy, insurance as difficult). Sorry OP!

If DP doesn't want to make cups of tea then tell him to stop fucking offering - honestly I can't stand people who do stuff and then are all martyrish about it.

DP knows about the fence so why would you be the one to message the neighbours - he sounds weak and pathetic to me. If he wants it sorted then why doesn't he do it?

I'm with you OP.

You would drive me nuts OP. It would have been over a long time ago.

Sounds like neither of you feel like you're fully capable adults and DP is angry at you for it because he can see his own failings reflected in you. It's easier than being angry with himself.

You wrote about not wanting to do things that feel awkward... Non of what you describe is awkward, it's just interacting with people in ways that they would expect because of their job. I'd have a think why you think this is a problem for you. Is it a authority thing/power imbalance? The dr/tradespeople know more about the thing in question than you do?

I think lots of younger adults are faking it till they make it in this regard. In the absence of you having any mental health issues contributing to this, you really both need to pull your weight. Non of these jobs take any time to sort

The other day a workman did come and knock on the door to ask for coffee, I'd been too busy to go out and offer so far, but of course I made him one, had a quick friendly chat, and said to knock again if they needed anything else.

I'd be fairly mortified if a workman had to come to ask for a drink - I would automatically offer one at reasonable intervals. You're a SAHP, how busy can you be that you can't spend 5 minutes making a coffee for someone?

DP is right. Step up.

Not enough info to judge properly. On the fence issue, yes it’d be more efficient if your DP did that because they know more. On the hospital test results, that sounds more urgent but I can see that if you were content to wait and they were not, then from your POV it made sense for them to do it.

However, as PPs say, it’s very wearing to be the person always responsible for tricky shit and difficult conversations. And YABVU not to proactively make the tradespeople a cuppa. Small things can mean a lot!

And the clue is in the pronoun you accidentally used – coupled with "weak" which people often use for men, almost never for women. If you thought DP was a woman, I'm certain your answer would be different.

The thing is, though, the tradesman might have had to work up his courage to knock on your door too. It may have been uncomfortable for you to approach him, but definitely still easier than for him to approach you in your bedroom or whatever in your own house!

And all those other times, DH has had to work up the courage.

All this is to say, if you don't work up the nerve, someone else has to. Some people are more patient than others (I'm not fussed about sorting things quickly tbh) but if 2 of you really played a waiting game, you'd realise all these little unresolved things build up to make your life shit. I speak from experience.

Eg "[the fence is] something I'd just leave and see how it pans out" – do you expect the fence to regenerate like skin? Or for your neighbour to contact you first? If there's a pattern of your neighbour always contacting you first, or even resenting you in silence while waiting for you to contact them, won't this built up hostility affect your life?

Another immediate example that has happened to me quite often – not asking after tests at hospital, sitting and waiting and wondering whether they've forgotten you for hours, by the time you ask the person in charge has gone home or they never even realised something had to be done or etc, and it's too late now! If it involves your DC that's even worse

Sorry realised I wasn't clear - on the tradesman, what I mean is some would be too uncomfortable to come requesting a drink from you in your room, many would be thirsty and tired by that point and some would just never ask while being parched. So sometimes stepping up is about being considerate even if uncomfortable (trust me, I get it) for us.

This, so rude.
I wouldn't be able to live with someone that leaves things to the point you desire to so YABU imo.

You both seem to find interactions with other people awkward so you avoid doing it and your partner steps up but resents having to be the one that does it. I think you both need to work on overcoming this reluctance and then agree who is taking responsibility for which projects.