DP says I'm not adulting enough

[NotAdulting]

NC for this. Leaving out pronouns as I don't want mine or DP's gender to influence opinion over division of responsibilities. DP and I are early 30s, been married since our mid 20s, and have one DC. I am a stay at home parent, DP works full time.

We've just had a bust up because DP wants me to text the neighbours about a minor issue over a fence. I have neighbours number, but will obviously pass it on happily. I don't want to do it, because DP has had all the contact with contractors who were involved with the issue, and so knows what they want to say.

The argument has become that DP didn't want to be the one in contact with contractors, and is fed up of always having to do the "adult" things, for which they give examples mostly of talking to people who come to the house for eg appliance repair, garden work, overseeing the work and making them cups of tea.

Neither of us really like having to do the stuff that feels awkward - we argued a bit over who had to go and chase test results when waiting in hospital with DC. But I did do my fair share of it. I'm not incompetent on my own, and we both do 'grown up' life admin, DP tends to lead on tax and more complicated finance stuff. I often handle insurance, energy, internet. When we had a cleaner the admin for that was mine too. Car and travel we tend to split equally.

So my take on the argument is, I think I've just got a higher tolerance for waiting it out (eg the test results in hospital) so don't like being pressed to go and do something proactively that feels awkward and unnecessary. And so engaging with people around our house like contractors, I'd be more inclined to wait for them to knock on the door and come to me if I'm needed. The other day a workman did come and knock on the door to ask for coffee, I'd been too busy to go out and offer so far, but of course I made him one, had a quick friendly chat, and said to knock again if they needed anything else.

With this thing with the neighbours, I wouldn't feel the need to message at all really; it's something I'd just leave and see how it pans out. I'm not asking DP to always step up and do this stuff, just if they didn't, I would just handle it differently, more passively I guess. DP feels someone's got to do it, so reluctantly does.

Would be good to know others perspectives. AIBU to think I just don't 'adult' in DP's style? Or would you find me infuriating to live with? How do we avoid resentment growing over this?

‘A higher tolerance for waiting things out’ is such a wanky way of saying basically you can’t be arsed so wait for someone else to sort / ask / deliver for you. Your DP is right you need to adult more.

You sound a bit like my DH and honestly, I find it quite irritating. Our car failed its MOT and he called a place re the part required who said they’d get back to him. That was a week ago and I asked him yesterday if he’d chased up - no, was the reply, because he’s sure they’ll call when they’ve got it. This passive attitude works for him, but in the meantime we’ve got a car out of action and I’d like him to be doing his damnedest to get it sorted.

i am more of a ‘driver’ (no pun intended!) than DH, but my drive helps both of us - in this instance, it will (probably) get the car sorted quicker. His passivity negatively impacts both of us. I think you should listen to your DP; they’re asking you to be a more equal partner.

Air head.
Hope these are all the problems you ever have!

we argued a bit over who had to go and chase test results when waiting in hospital with DC.

THIS is ridiculous.. no matter who does the life admin, and who is the default 'sorter out' it's pathetic to actually waste time arguing about this rather then one of you just go and sort it out. You both sound very passive, and don't seem to work very effectively as a 'team'.

Ime absolutely nothing gets done if you are passive (especially at the moment it seems!). Maybe try to work on being less passive, so you can get stuff done in your life which needs doing, and it's less of a big deal. I think a lot of people feel shy when they are younger (say in their teens), but the more responsibility you get, the less time there is for it!

dp is in construction but when we have tradies at home I’m most often at home, either on maternity leave with a non sleeping baby and other children, or wfh, so neither leave me any free time, but because I’m at home I deal with them unless I crack it and say I can’t do this bit you have to contact them. Since he knows exactly what’s going on and I haven’t a clue. I’d be so unimpressed by you and arguing over getting test results for your child is pathetic.

You just don't want to do it so you're waiting it out until your partner does it. How shitty of you. Your partner is right, you're trying to procrastinate yourself out of adulting.

I couldn't deal with that myself, you'd have been dumped long ago.

All these instances strike me as incredibly juvenile
Basically you both know what needs doing SAHP has more time in working hours to make phone calls etc but you are making excuses for your inaction