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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my son keep his bedroom door open if he has girls in

71 replies

Annaishere · 17/07/2023 15:13

He’s 16. Im not sure if I should do this or randomly check on them. He’s in a new relationship and wants to have her round soon (would be first time he’s had a girlfriend home)

OP posts:
onefinemess · 17/07/2023 15:18

Seems a bit silly, but, your house, your rules.

sweatynoob · 17/07/2023 15:18

You need to decide what your rules are and stick to them. Personally I wouldn’t have an issue with my 16 year old bringing home his girlfriend who is also 16 and closing the door but I would expect honesty and for them to not be advertising what they are up to however I’m aware others aren’t approving of this so you have to set and decide your own rules.

Curtains70 · 17/07/2023 15:26

Why do you want to do this? Is it to prevent them having sex?

You're probably fighting a losing battle there. Much better to have a grown up conversation with him around safe sex, consent etc.

You also need to have a think about your own boundaries. Do you not want them to have sex under your roof? That's your perogative but won't necessarily stop them having sex.

Original poster
Annaishere · 17/07/2023 15:47

Yes I just don’t want him to rush anything and she seems to be a little more experienced than him. I do talk to him about these things but he doesn’t seem to understand that intense feelings for someone doesn’t make a solid relationship

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 17/07/2023 16:15

Yes I would tell him to leave the door open at that age but I'm in Ireland and age of consent is 17.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 17/07/2023 16:17

Personally I’d leave them to it at 16, after a talk about being careful and ensuring they had contraception (preferably more than one method!).

Ponderingwindow · 17/07/2023 16:22

We have a perfectly good second living room in our house. That is where mixed sex teenage socializing happens. Dc’s bedroom is small anyway.

Bobbybobbins · 17/07/2023 16:36

I wouldn't bother with door open at 16 but would for a younger teen.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/07/2023 16:36

I do talk to him about these things but he doesn’t seem to understand that intense feelings for someone doesn’t make a solid relationship

He’s 16 so of course will have intense feelings and believe that’s a solid relationship- he can’t learn from experience he doesn’t have yet. You won’t be able to stop him having sex if that’s what he chooses to do - you may put a boundary in place for your own home (and it’s perfectly reasonable for you to do that) but if they’re ready to be sexually active it’ll happen at some point somewhere.

rwalker · 17/07/2023 16:39

Don’t embarrass yourself or him
there both 16 and f they want to an open door with not stop them having sex they’ll just do it elsewhere

takealettermsjones · 17/07/2023 16:43

Off topic but how on earth do you know the girlfriend is more experienced?

Mangogogogo · 17/07/2023 16:46

My mam did this… so we would have sex at his instead.

you’d be better off talking about safe sex instead

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/07/2023 16:55

I'd leave them to it. They're 16, if they want to have sex then they're going to have sex, no matter what rules you put in place. I'd rather they do it in their own bed than in the park or a car etc

Thunderisntnicebythebeach · 17/07/2023 17:08

Leave some condoms out. He will be too cringed to dtd!!.. Seriously he is 16. Suggest the door stays open until he is certain it is a worthwhile relationship.. Even when my adult ds still lived at home we had a no causal lasses round rule. He was happy with that. So much so he was nearly bloody 25 when he left!

Dominoeffecter · 17/07/2023 17:11

How does she seem more experienced

DaaamnYoullDo · 17/07/2023 17:15

I always find it hard to understand why parents think they have the right to prevent their kids from having sex when it's legal.
Talk to him about consent, both sided, and contraception. Provide contraception. Teach him about respecting other people's bodies and boundaries by not exerting control over his body.

lieselotte · 17/07/2023 17:16

My parents did this - and my boyfriend's parents wouldn't even let us go upstairs! We were 17 at the time.

Unlike most MNers I don't agree that they will do it elsewhere if you make it hard at home. Some will, some won't. I didn't. Boyfriend above eventually did with someone else on the beach but was nearly 18 by then.

Just because 16 is legal, doesn't make it sensible.

Contraception is essential but not absolutely foolproof. I also think as the mother of the boy you need to take more care. If the girl's parents let them do it at her home, that's on them. If anything happens she will be the one literally holding the baby or having to have a termination - not your son.

lieselotte · 17/07/2023 17:17

I always find it hard to understand why parents think they have the right to prevent their kids from having sex when it's legal

Parents prevent their kids from doing lots of things that are legal.

Original poster
Annaishere · 17/07/2023 17:19

I think she’s more experienced because she initiated more full on type of kissing, and etc, which my son hasn’t done before he met her ( a few weeks)

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 17:20

Yes I would 100% have this rule in my house.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 17/07/2023 17:24

Are they both 16 op?

If she is younger, he MUST leave the door open. It's not worth any potential accusations.

If they are both 16 I love the idea of him. Leaving the door open until he is sure it's a longer - term thing. Really good way to teach him self respect, boundaries and taking his time.

Gnittensmum · 17/07/2023 17:25

Give the poor guy some space!! If they’re going to have sex, wouldn’t you rather it was at home than in a car/park etc. Sex at 16 is legal and normal. Treat it otherwise and it can become a lifetime of issues and therapists fees.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 17/07/2023 17:25

Annaishere · 17/07/2023 17:19

I think she’s more experienced because she initiated more full on type of kissing, and etc, which my son hasn’t done before he met her ( a few weeks)

This has no bearing on anything.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 17/07/2023 17:26

They're 16, it's legal, and its his home, i think you would be unreasonable.
I really don't understand this "no sex under my roof" mentality, they're over the age of consent, so why shouldn't they be "allowed" to have legal sex in their own room of their own home?!

Original poster
Annaishere · 17/07/2023 17:29

lieselotte · 17/07/2023 17:16

My parents did this - and my boyfriend's parents wouldn't even let us go upstairs! We were 17 at the time.

Unlike most MNers I don't agree that they will do it elsewhere if you make it hard at home. Some will, some won't. I didn't. Boyfriend above eventually did with someone else on the beach but was nearly 18 by then.

Just because 16 is legal, doesn't make it sensible.

Contraception is essential but not absolutely foolproof. I also think as the mother of the boy you need to take more care. If the girl's parents let them do it at her home, that's on them. If anything happens she will be the one literally holding the baby or having to have a termination - not your son.

This is what I’m thinking. Even if they did it elsewhere it would lessen the chance as every time it happened they could mess up or contraception could fail. I was pregnant at 17 to a complete bastard of a boyfriend who was older than me and I have always wondered how my mother allowed it to happen.

@Mommasgotabrandnewbag yes they’re the same age. I can agree with your thinking that putting a boundary in place could transfer onto him maintaining boundaries and respect early on in the relationship

OP posts: